Scent of wood

Bismillah..

Do you know..there's a box in the depth of a corner?

sitting there hunched, staring at the red curtain

as if looking at a theatre

sitting on that table, reading at surah Al-Ahzab

sea just outside the window

and the pledge

the pledge that I made under that wide umbrella

was that real?

the hard wood under my fingers

the soggy shoes treading the floody path

the starry skies, the brightest I've ever seen

yes, it's real

I figured so

*tears*

that the promise is true

remains true although I'd shut my eyes

- - -

there's a memory there
struck closer to me than all the conversations
the tears, the smiles shared
the heart that resolves on past & present issues

its the quiet
the quiet dance around each chairs/tables
every steps treading down freshly-mown grasses and paved walks
the quiet moment we'd shared by heart settling on singular page
or the understanding of every word
and the kind gestures

- - -

I need no words to explain who I am
what I love
what I can't
can you understand that?

- - -

Symptom of old??

Bismillah..

Am officially an oldie.

I missed walkmans, good-old-fashion books sitting on library shelves, statics of radios

Nah..i'm just rambling

just got back from the wild and swarmed with e-mails, facebook messages, ecetra ecetra ecetra

A wee tad bit daunting..

somehow..ma, bah.. now I understand your feelings handling us young uns ;D

whatever tide (changes) that comes at you

begin where You are

where I am?

where these pages takes me

where I stopped

where I moved on :)

please..take your time :D

- - -

this fool

Bismillah..

why am I reluctant?

I'm happier when I can't see

I'm happier when I don't have to bother

I hate that this weakness is used against me

and why am I a fool to keep falling for it?

- - -


there is life
there is goodbyes
there is youth
there is age


Nevertheless, life is a changing entity
if follows the ever changing shadows
wherever you stand, no matter how rooted you are to that place
the light would still keep on changing
between light and darkness
morning and night


..and so we also have to come in terms with sad goodbyes.
I feel old, sometimes, because upon seeing new faces to cherish, I foresee the parting from it. School is a sad place, no? ...and they're only kindergartners.
My loves, would you still remember me?


Just had their convocation (Kg 3) few days back. Somehow the physical aspect of it is already an auto maton, while to register the thought and felt of that night, I'm still waiting for it to catch up. Busy? Yes. Convocation, camping, cleaning campaign and barbeque. Am loving the seemingly-endless chase of this, as if to squeeze every precious moment you can have with them kids. It's just a few days but Ya Allah, It's a lot. It's a lot.


As to preserve their memory, I'll narrate some.


24.11.2011 (Thursday)
KG 3 Convocation Night


That morning, we had the perfect rehearsal. We've been having them for every single day as of the beginning of the week, so most of my kids memorized the words by heart. What's endearing is..when their big brothers/sisters (Elementary & K3) performed, they did their own part by singing along. A heartfelt one at that, with Tausyeh and Nasyid. Them belting out. *laugh* and I found myself looking at them rather the ones performing infront, smiling like a silly fool would. Because their voices were louder, carried away by the song (about iman and akhlak), singing earnestly.. And at the end of every performance, they would sincerely clap and holler as to support their bros/sis.
Simply put: The perfect audience. :D


That night, the event went quickly. As I was the discipline leader, I handled the back view rather than the front. Unexpectedly, I ended up babysitting the K1 and K2, spoon-feeding them their late-dinner. I was stuck wondering, how in the world I end up becoming their personal butler, cutting their chicken into edible tiny pieces, and spoon-feeding (Yes, SPOON-FEEDING) them.
In the end, Ammar wanted to eat for himself. He made his point loud and clear, and as persistent as a 4-year-old could possibly manage. Though later, I caught him sharing and offering to feed Wardi (his best friend). Ya Allah, do you realize how unbelievably cute that was?? XD The same with the girls. What a picture they make! Of all the chaos of parents, teachers and performers..here they are, not a care of the world, eating and sharing as if they're in a picnic between friends. A bunch of 4/5-year-olds... *shakes head* When its time to collect their styrofoams, I was genuinely surprised on how they ate them BONE-CLEAN.


In the end, the K3 and Year 6 had their photo-sessions on stage.
I didn't. I couldn't..
I don't have the heart to.
Syafiqah beckons on me to take  a picture with her, (this year is her last and everytime her mother mentions her absenteeism in the last days of school due to her adapting to her government pre-school class at the moment, I wanted to cry, Especially on hearing that she still looks forward to coming to school, even though its only two days left) with Safwan, Surah and Sarah ( HA! 4 S! ]. Later, they went onstage to take another picture.
*sigh* I envy their obliviously happy state.


on a last note, the Nasyid:

DI SINI KAMI BERKUMPUL-Aeman

Di sini kami berkumpul
Sama dalam pengajian
Kami belajar membaca menulis
Semoga Allah berkati


Ilmu itu jadi cahaya
Menerangi hati yang buta
Mesti dicari walau di mana
Kuatkan azam berusaha


Iman pula penting sekali
Pengubat jiwa penawar duka
Membina rohani akhlak mulia
Mari kita suburkannya


Sopan santun budi pekerti
Ibu dan ayah ditaati
Guru di sekolah mesti dihormati
Jadikanlah pakaian diri


Anak yang soleh jiwanya besar
Menjauhi perkara mungkar
Berjuang berkorban walaupun sukar
Demi agama sanggup bersabar


Album : Permata Ayah Bonda
Artis : Aeman
Lagu : Copyright Control (Hijjaz Records Publishing)
Lirik : Copyright Control (Hijjaz Records Publishing)
Hakcipta : Hijjaz Records Sdn. Bhd. 


- - -


26.11.2011 (Saturday)
Kids Camping @ A's backyard (Tutong Beach)


We (me and my 3 girls) arrived at sunset. Orange shadows played against the edge of sea. Twas' the sound of waves that greet us first: loud, deep growl. We made our way through litter of leaves crunching beneath our shoes soles, directed by that sound.
It was high tide.

Entered the shadowy compound, they just finished their maghrib prayer. So we took off, performed ablution by the waterpipe in the enclosed compound near A's house. Performed our Maghrib prayer and we cooked our late dinner. Had a night of reflection for the kids that night, though I doubt it really achieves the purpose. O young hearts, often I fear for you. We ate marshmallows by the barbeque grilled, my girls tentative at first but splurge later on with 5 marshmallows/stick. They slept under tents that night, a sweltering hot at that.

I slept under the sky, stars barely discernible due to the incoming drizzle.
Woke up to it and rushed in half-awake state to open another tent for the belongings. Barely awake still for the Subuh prayer. Whilst the kids were preparing, K motioned to me alone. A questioning look, and yet match her stride towards the sea. The tide receding fast and we stood there at the meeting-point of land and sea.
K said Iqamat and we performed our Subuh prayer there.
The clean and slightly moisturize sand beneath our hands and forehead.
The world as far as the eyes can see, time seems to move slowly at dusk.
night and day about to meet..
such strange calm..
as if left alone in this world, to confront Your Creator.

"Jadilah kamu bila bersama Allah tidak berhubungan dengan makhluk dan bila bersama dengan makhluk tidak bersama nafsu. Siapa saja yang tidak demekian rupa, mak atentu ia akan selalu diliputi syaitan dan segala urusannya melewati batas."
-Syeikh Abdul Qadir


I think for the first time, I understood what Ihsan is, what taqwa is. Ever since then, when I wanted to pray, these images came. Of wide sandy beach, of dusk silent air..
of facing Allah, alone..

Ihsan (from hadis Arbain) = The feeling that you can see Allah (strong awareness of Allah's presence), and if you cannot see, verily, Allah sees you, always.


Taqwa = at heart, fear of Allah. Do what He tells you to do, avoid what He forbids you. Do not see sin for their size (big or small), but of what they are (sin) equally in magnitude, equal in His contempt and displeasure. 


That morning we went to the meeting point of Tutong River and South China Sea. Swam in both, colder in the former, warmer in the latter. The kids caught 3 live starfishes, their (feet?) moving like soft corals, 1 river crab, 1 blowfish there. Was astounded as they were, watching these creatures up-close for the first time.

We went fishing at the river, a first for many (*ehem* including me ;D ). Caught 5 small fishes, that were to be our lunch that day. We had sweet mangoes in the sea, casually sitting there with big grins on our faces. Later, we swam at the sea...me, finally understanding my dad's protectiveness when I was a child, myself. The kids goad me to enjoy myself (tempted), yet I gave them a warning. I don't mind they surrender their wills to force of nature, but never let them take over you, letting yourself be drifted, be pulled in by the water. As long as they know how to stood their ground, I'm happy. O Allah, I hope it teach them how to face life. To face challenges of the world, and not letting yourself be drifted with the matters of dunia. O Allah, I hope they could stand on their ground, have taqwa in their hearts no matter where they go, no matter how much they've grown. O Allah, let them never forget that.

We parted after lunch, tired to our bones. I hope, wiser than we were yesterday. More thankful to Allah, more appreciative of Allah's creations around, that they might surprise you, might teach you somethings. :)

- - -

white silloute

Bismillah..

 lil' silloute..

suspended between the heaven..

..and the earth.

.

.

.

Who hold thee?

What hold thee?

.

.

.

﴿أَوَلَمْ يَرَوْا إِلَى الطَّيْرِ فَوْقَهُمْ صَــفَّـتٍ وَيَقْبِضْنَ مَا يُمْسِكُهُنَّ إِلاَّ الرَّحْمَـنُ إِنَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ بَصِيرٌ ﴾

Do they not see 

the birds above them,

 spreading their wings out and folding them in 

None holds them up except the Most Gracious (Allah). 

Verily, He is the All-Seer of everything. 

(Al-Mulk, 67:19) 

. . .

Cobwebs of Youth

Bismillah..

I guess it's a first

and am still reeling from the shock of it.

to be scold like that

B came in and apologized

I was confused at first, then she said she's sorry

I received the blow of the blame

and her unable to defend me

unable to speak

when me and A stood as the target of the attacks

It's them. The parents and the complaints.
Saying that we didn't teach, leaving the kids to watch TV.
They had learned, only we changed our tactics..from formal to infromal form of education. That's what our recent preschool education courses were trying to show us. To make their learning more integrated..more fun. The kids must've misunderstood because of the sudden change of tactics..and assume we were just playing all day. The videos..well, I can only say, it's their form of brief reward for their hard work in the early morning and for the year throughout.

But from the parents perspective and her:

Her. Receiving the direct end from it.

The distress, the pressure, the disappointment, she poured back to us and say some hurtful things.

Do you know why I wished to stay for next year? You.

But if you feel that I'm incompetent, then I'll go.

Thank you for the consent, because if it had to be personal, I have dreams to chase

it's my final decision. 

I've been hesitating...but that blow kinds of sealed it.

I..was angry at first.

The complaints understood but unjustly executed.

she could've said it personally and we could've been spared from the humiliation. The unjust of it.

because we sure have something to say.

Yet she wouldn't listen

and then..adding insult to injury?

when you ordered Z to monitor my own class??

Ya Allah, I was furious.

This seething cauldron that is my heart...

Alhamdulillah I could control my self, I held myself in check and took care of my kids

I love them. I love them. I love them.

They must have been startled.

I hid my face from the outpouring tears, barely holding them in check when B came in and hold my hand sympathetically.

I'm almost crazy mad and yet insanely calm, seeing each pieces, angling from different views.
Kindergarten teachers: we are multi-taskers, trying to be creative and yet still dealing with children of low psychomotor skills, short fuse, short attention span, and yet disciplining and loving them all the same.
Parents: they are just the listeners of their child's brief and easily misunderstood interpretation of events.
Kids: Ya Allah, I love them to pieces but how shall I start...
Her: Years and encounters with different people attitudes made her this way. Complaints from the parents are the hardest. Ask any teacher, it's emotionally challenging and negatively/positively-charging. 

Trying to forgive. I understood too well, the anger, the expectations. I might've expect better from her, but judging from recent encounters..her heart. I fear for it. Emotions she could barely control..and that human ego.

On the outside, there is in many ways we are alike.

but inside..I guess my T made me who I am. More perceptive. More accepting. More forgiving of human condition, of human weakness.
Especially after Umrah, seeing the People. I learn this, whatever trouble i encounter from people, it's just the beginning. because there's a whole more people alike out there, so you might as well brace yourself and prepare for it.
 Because when I failed, I failed hard, yet I can reflect upon it, put Allah first as my priority to held my logic at bay, and allow the heart to forgive..to really forgive.

it's...hurting, isn't it? that you can't break free yourself? from your own demons?

I've made my peace a long time ago.

for me to be able to move forward, to be tentative at my footsteps and yet still moving forward, no matter how slow it is.

so no, I'm not mad anymore.

Yet, I'll still go.

I can't deny that it still hurts..but rather..it's better for two person who are alike and yet so different in dealing with her own intrapersonal feelings...to just remains at a distance. Until you can look past yourself. because these problems: parents complaints, administration trouble will always come..but you had to deal with it, with a clear heart.

I'm gonna back off but I just wanna say...

I love you,my sister..

I love you because of Allah SWT 

(because His love is bigger than mine, His Forgiveness is ahead of mine)

Ya Allah...whatever steps, whatever path i took now...I hope it has Your redha.

Even if it means that this (friction of ukhuwwah) is just a beginning of many more to come.

Hold our hearts, Ya Allah..because it wasn't mine to keep.

- - -

My letter to you

Tears flow...for you my dear sister.
I saw yourself tripping, and now..is that..are you playing?
You wished to be saved but did you try to save yourself first??
Is that your heartfelt truth? What you truly want..what you truly believe in?
why do I see it differently?

"Orang-orang yang bertaqwa tidak ada tanggungjawab sedikit pun atas (dosa-dosa) mereka; tetapi (berkewajipan) mengingatkan agar mereka (juga) bertaqwa.

Tinggalkanlah orang-orang yang menjadikan agamanya sebagai permainan dan senda-gurau, dan mereka telah tertipu oleh kehidupan dunia. Peringatkanlah (mereka) dengan Al-Qur'an agar setiap orang tidak terjerumus (ke dalam neraka), kerana perbuatannya sendiri. Tidak ada baginya pelindung dan pemberi syafaat (pertolongan) selain Allah. Dan jika dia hendak menebus dengan segala macam tebusan apa pun, niscaya tidak akan diterima. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang terjerumus (ke dalam neraka), disebabkan perbuatan  mereka sendiri. Mereka mendapat minuman dari air yang mendidih dan azab yang pedih disebabkan kekafiran mereka dahulu.

Katakanlah, "Apakah kita akan memohon kepada sesuatu selain Allah, yang tidak dapat memberi manfaat dan tidak (pula) mendatangkan mudarat kepada kita, dan (apakah) kita akan dikembalikan ke belakang (syirik), setelah Allah memberi petunjuk kepada kita, seperti orang yang disesatkan oleh setan di bumi, dalam keadaan kebingungan." 

Kawan-kawannya mengajaknya ke jalan yang lurus (dengan mengatakan), "Ikutilah kami." 

Katakanlah, "Sesungguhnya petunjuk Allah itulah petunjuk (yang sebenarnya), dan kita diperintahkan agar berserah diri kepada Tuhan seluruh alam, dan agar melaksanakan salat serta bertaqwa kepada-Nya." 

Dan Dialah Tuhan yang kepada-Nya kamu semua akan dihimpun."       

Al-An'am: 69-72

- - -

Umrah

Bismillah..

Had been contemplating how I shall narrate my journey there..and am not quite sure how I can capture those moments. Precious words needed to be spoken..for these..I want to remember, as the heart shall always beheld them, treasure them.

Twas' during the school-term holiday (7th - 19th June).

07: Depart from Brunei at 11.15 am. Arrived at King Abdul Aziz Airport around 4.15pm. Went to Medinah by bus.

"The heart beats, and can't help feeling a bit of a dread. Of not making it..you know, alive. It's almost ridiculous but that's how much surreal it feels for me. I was about to see Baitullah... but what if Allah's destined me to die of plane crash before I could see it? I was awfully aware I was traveling, hence a traveler's words are like doa that Malaikat frequently Amin-kan and it often comes true. So, i was berating myself, do I 'want' to die now? Made that silent prayer..O Allah, if it's my fate that the end of me whilst during this journey, please o please let me 'see' Baitullah with my own two eyes first.

Arriving Jeddah, the first I noticed was the red clouds. Maybe due to the desert dusts. I'm going to see a 'real' desert for the first time! XD It was the outline of hills that first arose out from the dusty fog. The dust-covered white walls of every buildings..I've heard of Jeddah. I wasn't expecting a land so sparse. It was almost maghrib, the sun closer and bigger than I've ever seen it.

Niat Umrah in the bus. Watched Indonesian's version of Rasulullah's history video played there. Stopped by first for Jama' Tahir prayer at the mosque and for some spicy dinner. The building nearby had spotlights on, searching the skies. A desert's lighthouse?*o_O shrug*"

08: Arrived at Royal Dyar Hotel around 1pm. Visited Rasulullah SAW, Abu Bakr and Umar's earthly abode. Supposed to visit Al-Baqi too, but women weren't allowed.

"Woke up to marbled walls like Brunei's The Mall shopping centre. These ones are bigger, marbly-er and were aligned collectively. I was disconcerted..Medinah? 
A white Mosque in the middle of them..Yes, it's Masjid Nabawi.


Barely had sleeping time. Woke up at the first Azan, and walked with heart alighted to Masjid Nabawi. People of different race, colour, language floating by. Fall in love with the woman police in full black hijab at the entrance, directing the way "Ibu..ibu.." . 


Saw our Mutawwif (guide) who led us to Masjid Nabawi. Briefly narrated and explained about Maqam Rasulullah and his two Companions, Roudah, etc. Had a nasty shock of my life. Am still deeply-grieved by it...but I learned. Ya Allah, how much I learned ever since."
 
09: Free slots.

"I expected to fall in love with Medinah. I've just finished reading the whole Sealed Nectar for the second time in the airplane..I cried, feeling the love that Rasulullah SAW has for these Ansar people.  But ever since we went to Roudah, I was tried. The real Roudah (between Maqam Rasulullah SAW and Mimbar) was only the first row, reserved for the women to visit, prayed and made doa.

They pushed. the other race..they pushed, and step over people's head, even when others are in solat, sujud. I felt our Mutawwif's exasperation. we were holding to each other so that the others can pray infont of us. They kept coming and merciless, laughing at our Mutawwif. I was unable to contain myself, the disappointment of my 'Muslimah' sisters and uttered Astaghfirullah loudly. She looked back at me and I held that gaze. We made a wall of three people, protecting with dear life the one praying inside our circle. A Turkey lady watched us with mute amazement. There is much to be learned from different race (Surah Al-Hujurat).

Yet, Allah taught me this one first. See, feel, experience.
You know the where (the places) of the Loved One's struggles but do you know the who he preach these to? 

It's these people who brought their habits and culture into this small world, this Mosque. Their sins, their own ignorance, their own blindness..all from different parts of the world. Here, to cleanse thyself. Wash away prejudice..drank air Zam Zam and prayed always of a clear heart. Then, I see..how language barriers are finally broken down. How one's resolve affect another. How kindness change habits. How convictions turns into positive actions. No matter how different you are, when you're headed for the same goal..Allah's redha, that saff (solat) will be filled. It takes a heart to understand and appreciate kindness of another's. I forgive, Ya Allah. I learned to see beyond their sock-less, non-tertib prayer and see through what matters. The heart, the sincere faith. The niat and Allah will find a way for ALL to be aligned, to be true.

But first..the courage.
I was conflicted. The Saff was a big gap infront of my face, worst than Terawih in Jame' Asr. It was a big wrong. This is Masjid Nabawi and this happens. This is Masjid Nabawi and a lot of people wouldn't get their Pahala Jemaah because there's gaps everwhere, that little bothered to fill. My first intuition was to fill it, but my blood kin..her hands a restraining order. My heart and eyes pleading in silence. O Allah, between a maternal companionship and Ummah obligation, you know what I'll choose. Help me decide. It was Maghrib and an Arab sister insisted on people filling in the saff, because she can't fill all the saff by herself, urging people to do the RIGHT thing, as she does for me when she beckons me to fill than one near her and I took it wthout hesitation. I love you. I LOVE YOU. Thank you. Syukran Jazakillah O sister of mine for doing the right thing and teaching others (including me) to do the same."


10: Jumaat prayer. Tourist trip around Medinah.

"Love his Ummah, then you'll love the places that records their love.


Went to Bukit Uhud. Whilst they were opening their booklets, reciting their doa to Hamzah b Abu Mutallib & the other para syuhada..I remember. Of Nusaibah, of Rasulullah SAW paternal uncle, of the syuhada..I cried, not because of what was lost..but the envy of what they have (Jannah), the doubt (my own Fate)...can I ever see them in Jannah, Ya Allah? will I ever be amongst them, to see, to listen, to talk with these people? The heart yearns..for me to have what they already have..a place beside You, Ya Allah. A place beside You.

The tourist guide is an Indonesian scholar, 9 years in Medinah. It was a bit strange to hear him narrates..what with the seemingly-dramatic pauses. When he explained how he was from Pasentren to University studying all in Arab, it was finally understood why he took time to translate each Arab-Malay. He spoke of the 3 tribe of Jews, their treachery and sentence (Surah Ahzab). Of Khandaq's pit, now a highway that paves the scholars journey. Of places where the verse on two Qiblat (Surah Al-Baqarah) involves. To finally be able to map them...these LIVE words. I was in a bus filled with people from religious departments and backgrounds..and yet i have the faint feeling, there's only two people who actually understood the narration from beginning to end. Such loss..if only they knew."

11: Free slots.

12: Depart to Mekah around 2pm. Checked in to Retaj Hotel Zam Zam Tower around 11pm. around midnight, Tawaf and Saie at Masidilharam.

"We said our goodbyes..praying it's not our last. 
Wear and niat Ihram. Stopped at Quba' Mosque. Trouble there, are problems of deceit, stealing, etc..O heart, sabar~ sabar~


Arrived in Mekah, had a brief drama. The bus driver got lost and was a bit defensive and stubborn. Went to narrow tunnels in a big bus, saw abandoned buses (or they just look the part), police barricades...almost like in an adventure novels/ movies. Finally reached the basement of Retaj Hotel, there's a '-2' on the elevator for a basement, by the way. dumped our things and head out to Masjdlharam at midnight. Had our Tawaf and Saie. Twas' done in much haste and inward glee.


Didn't have a chance to sleep coz' by the time we're over, it's soon to be Subuh prayer. Zoomed to hotel, take ablution and zoomed back to Masjidilharam. Prayer site a mess here, compared to Masjd Nabawi. No sooner we had our TahiyatulMasjid prayer, a syeikh was shoo-ing us. Try asking where the woman side is and he'll looked back, not understanding a word in English. Insert briefly-understood Arab words Nisa (female), Rijal (male) whatever and soon he's demonstarting a hijab place somewhere. okey dokey~ wow, strangely tiring guarding your hijab here. If such exist, it's very minimal."


13: Free slots.

"Spent the day for ihtikaf, because am so tired of shopping. what that Indonesia Ustaz said is true of the tale of 2 Qiblat..the influence. This time, it's Baitul Atiq (Baitullah) vs Bin Dawood (Big Shopping Mall exactly opposite). Frustrated with people's nawaitu, am intent I have this one day. Please..it's my first Umrah, my first beholding Masjidilharam...I wanna be 'here'.

Long story short..Fiqh aulawiyat has it..ibadah has many forms. One that has Allah's redha might not necessary be 'inside' Masjidilharam. Struggling against self and another, I choose Allah's redha..even though that might mean I wouldn't be able to finish khatam Qur'an in His Holy City, Qiamulail in the best part of 2/3rd of the night..My want, You know. My want, You know.


Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart. Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart. Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart."

14: Tourist visit around Mekah and Miqat Umrah at Hudaibiyah.

"Went to Jabal Rahmah - where Adam and Hawa met after being sent down from heaven to earth. where Rasulullah SAW gave his last khutbah on Haji Wida'. The place, in reality filled with camel poop, of cruelty (to me). I pitied the camels, decorated so ridiculously, their mouth covered to hold their despair..theyse are 'entertainment', 'amusement'. So we climbed, my father and I, away from the filth to the peak of Jabal Rahmah. A monument stood erect, it's base decorated with many words of love of whoever, whatever..but the climb down..was full of reflect.

The girls were decapitated, the man swelled with boils, a woman has half her face disfigured probably by acids. Outcasts. Some probably sentence of Hudud, or they did it to themselves because of extremities, or they have no place to go but here. Though, I hate..I hate..what I cannot speak, for I don't know their heart, what their intentions..but indirectly, I was asked of what was mine (intention on being there). They sold things there, too... What does it feel like to came from a world of luxury where in every stalls people cried out, "Lihat..lihat.." and suddenly you're oin this forsaken place, where people did and said the same things..but at intervals on the stone-stairs..you saw these disfigured ones? "Lihat..lihat.." their voices afloat..

"lihat..lihat.." indeed...

don't be fooled. don't be drown by dunia. Always saying I want this, I want that..what of these people? (Surah Ar-Rahman) What nikmat that your Lord gave that you deny? Give thanks for what you have and be content.. for often, we are thankless and forgetful servants.

then we went to Mina, Mudzalifa, Jabal Nur (Hira cave), Ma'la (Maqam of Saddatina Khadijah) - only unnamed stones place upon their graves, Niat Ihram in Hudaibiyah and back to Zam Zam Tower 

Tawaf and Saie Umrah again. A reaaaalllly long one, this time. Observe Asar prayer in the middle of Saie"

15: Free slots.

"Shopping with babah mama, then Qiam at 2am with Ka Milah. Seriously begins to hate shopping. Why are there no stationaries here?? Jubah, emas, Gah!!!

Babah bought a new handphone and asked what's the warranty. The salesperson pointed up (Allah). i love these people, seriously. 

A moment please, for me to describe these people.
The ukhuwwah was unlike any other i've ever seen. There's no doubt they're brothers in faith. Their love of each other, of Rasulullah SAW's sunnah..how they held each others hand. how they greet each other, embrace one another. Trustworthy, honest and vigorous. Everywhere you here murattal, of the recitals' broken voices-of sadness that reminds me of Abu Bakr everytime. In Rasulullah SAW's lifetime, Abu Bakar became Imam for 11 times. There were complaints from the makmum..that they can't hear what he recites..because..his sensitive soul always cries over every single word. That is Abu Bakr infront of His verse..an understanding so astounding, yet heart-breaking.."

16: Free slots.


"it's a Moon eclipse around mdnight. Little understood the announcement (in arabic) and went ahead with their tawaf, saie, etc. The live broadcast recorded every moment. The Imam recited Al-Isra (of Isra' Mikraj) and Al-Mukminun (Allah's promises to Mukmin). He cried again, he repeats the verse over and over again. Allah Most Compassionate."

17: Depart to Jeddah around 2pm.  Checked in at Al-Khayyam Hotel.


18: Checkout by 11am. went to Floating Mosque by the Red Sea. Off to Brunei around 7pm.

"Went to Floating Mosque by The Red Sea. Contrary to popular opinion, the sea's not red. Strangely clear and has a very calming effect.
Went to Patchi chocolate store. 1kg = 160 Riyal.'

19: Arrived around noon.

am not done editing but it has been a long night. soon, insyaAllah. 

Mid-Year Summary

Bismillah..

the stars flicker

it's a wonder to see them up there

you don't know what's gonna happen next

how they flicker are different from satellite (controlled-blinks)

you don't know what to expect

can't always time it and yet there it is

in a rhythm

always

Has been contemplating future

it was at this moment in my life i have to make important decisions

education and career

somehow had been pulled by practicalities

Classes, tutions, meetings, school programs

my schedule planned out

when i haven't work out what my life's going to be

am thirsty for knowledge

so I know..where I am now, is a temporary setup

i'm leaving

to where?

up for me to decide

just fill in the forms, Han

find other places where i can do better than baby-sitting

honest..i was exhausted

because I can't look at them in the eyes anymore

can't pull them close just to hear their heartbeat

had to be hard on them

i hate that

raising a child is hard enough

but 56??

why are they restless, i don't understand

and the guilt of having them endure someone with mood-swings

they deserve better

how? how? how?

work it out, Han

the whispers are there

Listen

- - -

i'm struggling with patience
with anger
  faced the circumstance every day
yet i refuse to sink that low
it isn't genetic
it is myself
i, myself, will be accounted for my own deeds
say whatever i wanted to say? do whatever i want to do?
tempting?
Allah has guide me to be a better person
so i what? U-turn and walk back?? 'cause it's easier??
ridiculous!

jangan manja! *dush!*

- - -

The 'I'

Bismillah..

the sound of dribbling cuts through the night

the sound of swoop as it touches the net

before it fells thud on the linoleum floor

while on a wooden floor

tentative steps moves slick and sure

the air disturbed in a subtle yet precise manner

movement most graceful

both calculated and intuitive

harnessing energy to something of worth

direction over aimless wandering

discipline over recklessness

there's a point in life when breaking a glass vase seems like a great idea

to watch something so fragile to break into million pieces

to see the hurt reflected in each of those pieces

unnamed

yet, an exhale of blessed relief

as if..one's been holding their breath for far too long

one argues with what s/he knows

it's a universal fact

reality has it..the world's a bigger places

a bigger spectrum of eternal wisdom

often..one forget about that

when you're holding on to something with dear life

when challenged, lashing out

because of own dire need to be heard

to blurt out the condemn

because if one had to hold on any longer

...

i'll be sick

truth has it

grown-ups doesn't necessarily know more

themselves capable of making mistake

of inflicting injury rather than cure

you don't choose your gender, skin colour, heritage, bloodline, social standing

but you 'can' choose your own circumstance

"Verily Allah does not change men's condition unless they change their inner self"

[ Ar-Rad, 13: 11 ]

betapa Allah sangat concern dgn tani
sampai DIA tanya, kita liat dalam diri kita kh nda
bukan apa yg org ckp, sekeliling tani, dimana atau dalam keadaan apa tani dilahirkan
tapi the NOW, siapa diri mu?
who do you want to be..

 I want to be ME

i choose who i 'am'
and i choose who i'll become

- - -

tiny hands that says "hi!"

Bismillah..

i know.

I talked about my kids A LOT...but as i went through my past entries..i felt it. 

That feeling: genuine, sentimental and kind, as the day as i've experienced it. I 'want' to preserve it. Their innocence..of small people with BIG heart.

This little one would walked up to me suddenly and hug me, her face looks up from the folds of my baju kurung,.. her eyes partially-seen beneath her tudung, pausing to herself and then said,  

"Tiche, aku nada pensel." - Sarah :: 23.04.2011

"Teacher mau hadiah? Aku balikan untuk teacher aa." - Aqilah :: 02.05.2011

Tears welled up.

i know..my time is short with them.

but Ya Allah, it's so worth it. :')

They fight alot.

Yet..this LOVE grows. 

like a balloon that just rises and rises..

If this is Allah's 1%,

wow..i can't imagine what 99% looks / feels like. :")

- - -

I sure don't miss U :S

Bismillah..

2 words

.

.

Exam Fever.

deeply, i felt that a big plus in my coming-of-age phase is missing OUT of it

Yet, am not entirely uninvolved

a kid said this behind a teacher's back but she heard it, nevertheless

"apa jua..sanang jua jadi cigu ni."

i paled.

have you ever sit in a room with 3 teachers, handling exams for pairs of students because they can't read for themselves? and it's in less than 3 1/2 hours..and just barely finishing.and i'm saying for more than 50 students??

weep 

.

.

buckets

seriously

"sabarlah dalam bersabar"

and it's only day 1

inhale

exhale

inhale

exhale

..and repeat.

- - -

reaL

 Bismillah.. 

"nothing, and everything"

- - -

The Rider

Bismillah..

Dear bike, 

i saw you infront of the store today. If I had $110 then, i'd probably buy you that instant. Its a halfway journey, the last time i rode you. You broke down before I could finish learning. Hearing my best friend talking about her adventures on you, i was green with envy. I want to be able to do that, to ride with my neighbors, getting chased by dogs. Riding through the asphalt walk, the dirt along the mountain side. To breathe in the fresh air, arms widespread..the whole world for my taking.

To feel the strain, the effort of working up against the hill, the sharp, cold pebbles..the joyride waiting just on the other side.

The memories..of 'having' you, through walks of life. As a child with feet barely reaching the ground, to ride to schools, to ride through work, through chores, through leisures..

 I saw a beaten-up bike rode by an elderly on a road, recently. The image forces a quiet contemplation..the loyalty, the determination, the sacrifice.

The loving patience.

Am 23 years old and yet still feels self to be such a child. Impatient, stubborn..still struggling to maintain balance..of handling own life, of understanding the tool, the ride, the destination..

am i sulking because i didn't 'know'?? 

for sure on how to 'live' with the lesson??

if i have a living grandfather, i'd probably be shaken and slap into consciousness..

"wake up child! Don't be lazy! You ain't a young 'un, anymore..your own existence not a joke of the universe. it has meaning! It has value! Up to you to wake up and smell the sweat, blood and tears of the world!"

it's 'your' turn now.

Wake up!

- - -

i don't know
i felt like there's something to say
if its a burden i 'can' feel, i'd probably be able to ride on
but it's like carrying a bag of air
what 'are' you saying??


at what stage a young one knows how the elders may 'not know' what they're saying, themselves
and which is just considered too rude to brought up?


whatever it is..
i have to find it out
or i'll keep on holding this bad disease
 getting sicker and sicker by each passing day


- - -

sealed

Bismillah..

Twas' small, at first

then it grows and grows, bigger than tiny me

i was..being a typical grown-up

ignorant, short-tempered

for a moment, i was tired

with the paperwork, preparation, disciplining

its "I this, I that..I..I..I.." 

it's..

the motherly advice

an educator's patience

 human insight

even a radio morning message

and then, one day

saw a little girl whispering to her friend's ear

a secret

my heart unstrung

they are small

live in moments that is priceless

 they are fast

to made up how the world is magnified to them

of how the rain falls

of how tall trees are, if you just lay down on soft bed of leaves

how the sun peeks out from a cloud

these secrets embodied in something so tiny

so alive!

we tend to see the full picture and be burdened by it

our own weakness

our own lack of courage

i learned something

these kids

they're so small

and yet they are bigger than me

in fighting the constant unknown

in opening their hearts to it

so i begin to listen

and its true

they even share a secret with me too

 - - -

keep holding on

 Bismillah..

Let me have this pain

.

.

.

.

For now, let me have this pain

this little heartbreak

.

.

.

.

Tomorrow i'll wipe these flood of tears and grow

 

and i might dream more

hope more

achieve more

 

"So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief." 

Al-Insyirah, 5-6

Hikmah

Bismillah..

Hikmah..what does it mean?

Berlembut dlm berkata, dlm menasihati, dlm mengingati?

dlm bulan ni sahaja..bertubi2 jawapan yg dtg adalah the opposite.

cara Saiddina Umar mendidik isterinya

cara seorang ibu mendidik anaknya sembahyang

cara seorang guru kini belajar untuk mendidik anak muridnya

dgn tegas, disiplin

di dalamnya sarat dgn kasih sayang

ku impikan seorang yg mampu mendidik ku sebegitu teliti

utk tidak mengambil dunia sebagai perhiasan, pertimbangan

untuk kerap menyedarkan HATI ini, bahwa ia kepunyaan Allah swt

utk tidak dimanjakan dengan keinginan duniawi

tapi sarat dgn kerinduan yg mendalam pd Ilahi

walaupun tegas ajaranmu

walaupun penat ku berdiri

walaupun terlalu hairan ku menanti keputusanmu

harga akhirat

harga akhirat ku mahukan daripada harga dunia

bertegaslah pada dirimu sendri dan pada yg kau sayangi

Andai mahu harga akhirat lebih kuat timbangannya dihati diri ini dan dlm mereka

maka bertegaslah

kasih sayang lahir dari niat

dari akhlak yg tak kenal lelah

biar hari berganti hari, bulan berganti bulan, tahun berganti tahun

kau jgn lemah

dan jgn mengambil jln pertengahan
pertahankan apa nilai islam itu

Ya Allah

titipkanlah kekuatanMu

semai benih kesabaran dan takwa dihati ini

agar aku mampu dipimpin dan memimpin

 - - -

Float

Bismillah..

I floated, from end to end.

Letting go, to be able to trust yourself that much

fighting the waters

always thinking you have to grasp something yourself to make it real

'You' have to think

'You' have to do

sometimes..you just have to let go

and then, we'll know :D

- - -