Umrah

Bismillah..

Had been contemplating how I shall narrate my journey there..and am not quite sure how I can capture those moments. Precious words needed to be spoken..for these..I want to remember, as the heart shall always beheld them, treasure them.

Twas' during the school-term holiday (7th - 19th June).

07: Depart from Brunei at 11.15 am. Arrived at King Abdul Aziz Airport around 4.15pm. Went to Medinah by bus.

"The heart beats, and can't help feeling a bit of a dread. Of not making it..you know, alive. It's almost ridiculous but that's how much surreal it feels for me. I was about to see Baitullah... but what if Allah's destined me to die of plane crash before I could see it? I was awfully aware I was traveling, hence a traveler's words are like doa that Malaikat frequently Amin-kan and it often comes true. So, i was berating myself, do I 'want' to die now? Made that silent prayer..O Allah, if it's my fate that the end of me whilst during this journey, please o please let me 'see' Baitullah with my own two eyes first.

Arriving Jeddah, the first I noticed was the red clouds. Maybe due to the desert dusts. I'm going to see a 'real' desert for the first time! XD It was the outline of hills that first arose out from the dusty fog. The dust-covered white walls of every buildings..I've heard of Jeddah. I wasn't expecting a land so sparse. It was almost maghrib, the sun closer and bigger than I've ever seen it.

Niat Umrah in the bus. Watched Indonesian's version of Rasulullah's history video played there. Stopped by first for Jama' Tahir prayer at the mosque and for some spicy dinner. The building nearby had spotlights on, searching the skies. A desert's lighthouse?*o_O shrug*"

08: Arrived at Royal Dyar Hotel around 1pm. Visited Rasulullah SAW, Abu Bakr and Umar's earthly abode. Supposed to visit Al-Baqi too, but women weren't allowed.

"Woke up to marbled walls like Brunei's The Mall shopping centre. These ones are bigger, marbly-er and were aligned collectively. I was disconcerted..Medinah? 
A white Mosque in the middle of them..Yes, it's Masjid Nabawi.


Barely had sleeping time. Woke up at the first Azan, and walked with heart alighted to Masjid Nabawi. People of different race, colour, language floating by. Fall in love with the woman police in full black hijab at the entrance, directing the way "Ibu..ibu.." . 


Saw our Mutawwif (guide) who led us to Masjid Nabawi. Briefly narrated and explained about Maqam Rasulullah and his two Companions, Roudah, etc. Had a nasty shock of my life. Am still deeply-grieved by it...but I learned. Ya Allah, how much I learned ever since."
 
09: Free slots.

"I expected to fall in love with Medinah. I've just finished reading the whole Sealed Nectar for the second time in the airplane..I cried, feeling the love that Rasulullah SAW has for these Ansar people.  But ever since we went to Roudah, I was tried. The real Roudah (between Maqam Rasulullah SAW and Mimbar) was only the first row, reserved for the women to visit, prayed and made doa.

They pushed. the other race..they pushed, and step over people's head, even when others are in solat, sujud. I felt our Mutawwif's exasperation. we were holding to each other so that the others can pray infont of us. They kept coming and merciless, laughing at our Mutawwif. I was unable to contain myself, the disappointment of my 'Muslimah' sisters and uttered Astaghfirullah loudly. She looked back at me and I held that gaze. We made a wall of three people, protecting with dear life the one praying inside our circle. A Turkey lady watched us with mute amazement. There is much to be learned from different race (Surah Al-Hujurat).

Yet, Allah taught me this one first. See, feel, experience.
You know the where (the places) of the Loved One's struggles but do you know the who he preach these to? 

It's these people who brought their habits and culture into this small world, this Mosque. Their sins, their own ignorance, their own blindness..all from different parts of the world. Here, to cleanse thyself. Wash away prejudice..drank air Zam Zam and prayed always of a clear heart. Then, I see..how language barriers are finally broken down. How one's resolve affect another. How kindness change habits. How convictions turns into positive actions. No matter how different you are, when you're headed for the same goal..Allah's redha, that saff (solat) will be filled. It takes a heart to understand and appreciate kindness of another's. I forgive, Ya Allah. I learned to see beyond their sock-less, non-tertib prayer and see through what matters. The heart, the sincere faith. The niat and Allah will find a way for ALL to be aligned, to be true.

But first..the courage.
I was conflicted. The Saff was a big gap infront of my face, worst than Terawih in Jame' Asr. It was a big wrong. This is Masjid Nabawi and this happens. This is Masjid Nabawi and a lot of people wouldn't get their Pahala Jemaah because there's gaps everwhere, that little bothered to fill. My first intuition was to fill it, but my blood kin..her hands a restraining order. My heart and eyes pleading in silence. O Allah, between a maternal companionship and Ummah obligation, you know what I'll choose. Help me decide. It was Maghrib and an Arab sister insisted on people filling in the saff, because she can't fill all the saff by herself, urging people to do the RIGHT thing, as she does for me when she beckons me to fill than one near her and I took it wthout hesitation. I love you. I LOVE YOU. Thank you. Syukran Jazakillah O sister of mine for doing the right thing and teaching others (including me) to do the same."


10: Jumaat prayer. Tourist trip around Medinah.

"Love his Ummah, then you'll love the places that records their love.


Went to Bukit Uhud. Whilst they were opening their booklets, reciting their doa to Hamzah b Abu Mutallib & the other para syuhada..I remember. Of Nusaibah, of Rasulullah SAW paternal uncle, of the syuhada..I cried, not because of what was lost..but the envy of what they have (Jannah), the doubt (my own Fate)...can I ever see them in Jannah, Ya Allah? will I ever be amongst them, to see, to listen, to talk with these people? The heart yearns..for me to have what they already have..a place beside You, Ya Allah. A place beside You.

The tourist guide is an Indonesian scholar, 9 years in Medinah. It was a bit strange to hear him narrates..what with the seemingly-dramatic pauses. When he explained how he was from Pasentren to University studying all in Arab, it was finally understood why he took time to translate each Arab-Malay. He spoke of the 3 tribe of Jews, their treachery and sentence (Surah Ahzab). Of Khandaq's pit, now a highway that paves the scholars journey. Of places where the verse on two Qiblat (Surah Al-Baqarah) involves. To finally be able to map them...these LIVE words. I was in a bus filled with people from religious departments and backgrounds..and yet i have the faint feeling, there's only two people who actually understood the narration from beginning to end. Such loss..if only they knew."

11: Free slots.

12: Depart to Mekah around 2pm. Checked in to Retaj Hotel Zam Zam Tower around 11pm. around midnight, Tawaf and Saie at Masidilharam.

"We said our goodbyes..praying it's not our last. 
Wear and niat Ihram. Stopped at Quba' Mosque. Trouble there, are problems of deceit, stealing, etc..O heart, sabar~ sabar~


Arrived in Mekah, had a brief drama. The bus driver got lost and was a bit defensive and stubborn. Went to narrow tunnels in a big bus, saw abandoned buses (or they just look the part), police barricades...almost like in an adventure novels/ movies. Finally reached the basement of Retaj Hotel, there's a '-2' on the elevator for a basement, by the way. dumped our things and head out to Masjdlharam at midnight. Had our Tawaf and Saie. Twas' done in much haste and inward glee.


Didn't have a chance to sleep coz' by the time we're over, it's soon to be Subuh prayer. Zoomed to hotel, take ablution and zoomed back to Masjidilharam. Prayer site a mess here, compared to Masjd Nabawi. No sooner we had our TahiyatulMasjid prayer, a syeikh was shoo-ing us. Try asking where the woman side is and he'll looked back, not understanding a word in English. Insert briefly-understood Arab words Nisa (female), Rijal (male) whatever and soon he's demonstarting a hijab place somewhere. okey dokey~ wow, strangely tiring guarding your hijab here. If such exist, it's very minimal."


13: Free slots.

"Spent the day for ihtikaf, because am so tired of shopping. what that Indonesia Ustaz said is true of the tale of 2 Qiblat..the influence. This time, it's Baitul Atiq (Baitullah) vs Bin Dawood (Big Shopping Mall exactly opposite). Frustrated with people's nawaitu, am intent I have this one day. Please..it's my first Umrah, my first beholding Masjidilharam...I wanna be 'here'.

Long story short..Fiqh aulawiyat has it..ibadah has many forms. One that has Allah's redha might not necessary be 'inside' Masjidilharam. Struggling against self and another, I choose Allah's redha..even though that might mean I wouldn't be able to finish khatam Qur'an in His Holy City, Qiamulail in the best part of 2/3rd of the night..My want, You know. My want, You know.


Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart. Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart. Let Dunia in my hand, not in my heart."

14: Tourist visit around Mekah and Miqat Umrah at Hudaibiyah.

"Went to Jabal Rahmah - where Adam and Hawa met after being sent down from heaven to earth. where Rasulullah SAW gave his last khutbah on Haji Wida'. The place, in reality filled with camel poop, of cruelty (to me). I pitied the camels, decorated so ridiculously, their mouth covered to hold their despair..theyse are 'entertainment', 'amusement'. So we climbed, my father and I, away from the filth to the peak of Jabal Rahmah. A monument stood erect, it's base decorated with many words of love of whoever, whatever..but the climb down..was full of reflect.

The girls were decapitated, the man swelled with boils, a woman has half her face disfigured probably by acids. Outcasts. Some probably sentence of Hudud, or they did it to themselves because of extremities, or they have no place to go but here. Though, I hate..I hate..what I cannot speak, for I don't know their heart, what their intentions..but indirectly, I was asked of what was mine (intention on being there). They sold things there, too... What does it feel like to came from a world of luxury where in every stalls people cried out, "Lihat..lihat.." and suddenly you're oin this forsaken place, where people did and said the same things..but at intervals on the stone-stairs..you saw these disfigured ones? "Lihat..lihat.." their voices afloat..

"lihat..lihat.." indeed...

don't be fooled. don't be drown by dunia. Always saying I want this, I want that..what of these people? (Surah Ar-Rahman) What nikmat that your Lord gave that you deny? Give thanks for what you have and be content.. for often, we are thankless and forgetful servants.

then we went to Mina, Mudzalifa, Jabal Nur (Hira cave), Ma'la (Maqam of Saddatina Khadijah) - only unnamed stones place upon their graves, Niat Ihram in Hudaibiyah and back to Zam Zam Tower 

Tawaf and Saie Umrah again. A reaaaalllly long one, this time. Observe Asar prayer in the middle of Saie"

15: Free slots.

"Shopping with babah mama, then Qiam at 2am with Ka Milah. Seriously begins to hate shopping. Why are there no stationaries here?? Jubah, emas, Gah!!!

Babah bought a new handphone and asked what's the warranty. The salesperson pointed up (Allah). i love these people, seriously. 

A moment please, for me to describe these people.
The ukhuwwah was unlike any other i've ever seen. There's no doubt they're brothers in faith. Their love of each other, of Rasulullah SAW's sunnah..how they held each others hand. how they greet each other, embrace one another. Trustworthy, honest and vigorous. Everywhere you here murattal, of the recitals' broken voices-of sadness that reminds me of Abu Bakr everytime. In Rasulullah SAW's lifetime, Abu Bakar became Imam for 11 times. There were complaints from the makmum..that they can't hear what he recites..because..his sensitive soul always cries over every single word. That is Abu Bakr infront of His verse..an understanding so astounding, yet heart-breaking.."

16: Free slots.


"it's a Moon eclipse around mdnight. Little understood the announcement (in arabic) and went ahead with their tawaf, saie, etc. The live broadcast recorded every moment. The Imam recited Al-Isra (of Isra' Mikraj) and Al-Mukminun (Allah's promises to Mukmin). He cried again, he repeats the verse over and over again. Allah Most Compassionate."

17: Depart to Jeddah around 2pm.  Checked in at Al-Khayyam Hotel.


18: Checkout by 11am. went to Floating Mosque by the Red Sea. Off to Brunei around 7pm.

"Went to Floating Mosque by The Red Sea. Contrary to popular opinion, the sea's not red. Strangely clear and has a very calming effect.
Went to Patchi chocolate store. 1kg = 160 Riyal.'

19: Arrived around noon.

am not done editing but it has been a long night. soon, insyaAllah. 

Mid-Year Summary

Bismillah..

the stars flicker

it's a wonder to see them up there

you don't know what's gonna happen next

how they flicker are different from satellite (controlled-blinks)

you don't know what to expect

can't always time it and yet there it is

in a rhythm

always

Has been contemplating future

it was at this moment in my life i have to make important decisions

education and career

somehow had been pulled by practicalities

Classes, tutions, meetings, school programs

my schedule planned out

when i haven't work out what my life's going to be

am thirsty for knowledge

so I know..where I am now, is a temporary setup

i'm leaving

to where?

up for me to decide

just fill in the forms, Han

find other places where i can do better than baby-sitting

honest..i was exhausted

because I can't look at them in the eyes anymore

can't pull them close just to hear their heartbeat

had to be hard on them

i hate that

raising a child is hard enough

but 56??

why are they restless, i don't understand

and the guilt of having them endure someone with mood-swings

they deserve better

how? how? how?

work it out, Han

the whispers are there

Listen

- - -

i'm struggling with patience
with anger
  faced the circumstance every day
yet i refuse to sink that low
it isn't genetic
it is myself
i, myself, will be accounted for my own deeds
say whatever i wanted to say? do whatever i want to do?
tempting?
Allah has guide me to be a better person
so i what? U-turn and walk back?? 'cause it's easier??
ridiculous!

jangan manja! *dush!*

- - -