He is near :=')

Bismillah..


Listening: Healing - Sami Yusuf

 The weight of two weeks finally settles in
Alight with His love =')


Twas' the second day of riadah
the enjoined hands unclasped
the game still audible in the background
laughters and voices dimmed


backs turned
and facing the sea
i was greeted with a surreal sight
it rained
but so unlike the one i'm used to seeing
10 minutes
it rained somewhere out on the sea
then it approaches onshore and heading my way
the partition was incredible! XD
the line that seperates land and sea becomes more pronounced when there's heavy rain on the sea, but almost none on the land
awestruck, I watched as the giant gray cumulonimbus descended
and descending still
i looked up, saw it looming at me
 one, two thunder can be heard overhead
the fiercesome note of it and yet I stood there, transfixed and .. giddy :D
defiant and extremely curious
the eyes follow the whispy lines, flowing with measured slowness towards the centre
before it registered to me that i was seeing INSIDE a cloud!
The sun was further away, and yet i can see a light inside it
illuminating the workings of a cloud


 ...
Ya Allah
stranger things happen everyday
once we thought we knew, You surprised us with how much we didn't actually
 teach us what we don't know
 part of doa (after you read a Qur'an)


someone said this recently
"Allah wants His hamba to go to Jannah. To reach there is difficult, so He gives us truth. So that by treading on that path (His path), we can find our way home."

 in a hadith, Rasulullah SAW was trying to describe a tree in Jannah
the best he could describe it is...that it's a tree
the colours everchanging and..there's just NO WORD to describe it.
what about the bountiful fruits, the rivers made of milk and wine?

 MasyaAllah~

oh my Lord
my sin is the highest mountain
my good deeds are very few
like small pebbles

  I can only turn to You
to show me, to guide me,
to help me
for i'm so little
and don't know any better what Your plans are set for me
what life You set for me

Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim
To You, i turn
- - -

over here

Bismillah~


i don't realize how two worlds could be so different
until i'm here
at this moment


when i browse against fb status
stalking and growing silent over the second
i realized two things
1. the contrast
2. the distance


whatever happy feeling i got, shadowed in an instant
brows furrowed
thinking
 i 'had' to see this
the truth hurts
and yet, i can't cover my eyes and pretend it didn't happened
it does and though as frigtening it is as it looks,
 i have to face it
coz' they're the people i love


Ya Allah
help me
help me to help them


- - -

:D

Danish :D

silver memories

Bismillah..

did ya' see my cry?
for the years that has gone by?

sometimes you find yourself outside
waiting for the unknown
words need not be spoken
just silent companionship

maybe i've grown old like this *laugh*
for the moment, i still have you
what is this?, i sometimes ask
it's sentimental value

now i know how can a person hold hope for so much
because it's the one thing that makes you happy when the world grows bleaker
i admired the loyalty, the mute anger of even thinking of throwing it away, of quitting
something you're just unwilling to give up
something you let grow underneath your hand
what a happy plant you are, to be growing like that
to be cared like that
to be defended like that

i was afraid that i'd lost
it's nice to know that this existence is still so protected for
i envy that
for one must've love so much to be able to hold others up
thank you :")

Himawari Mini Diary 2010

Bismillah..

This one is dedicated to my kids
Syazwan - for leading me into the caves
Azzim - for showing the way out

When I first entered this new realm, of little people, loud noises and grand gestures..I was overwhelmed.
With a Teaching Degree in hand, I was set out to 'teach' these kids. Imagine it to my surprise and wonder, that instead, I learn from them and learning, I did. My own life unfolds every day, every moment I talked and played with them. The biggest lesson of all started with.. a voice. A whisper.

Do you know what it felt like to have a lifetime of fear to 'speak'? That by time, we began to lost the ability.. Unable to when the heart wants to, soo much! To reach out when you realize noone's going to reach in. Yet, so accustomed to being in the shadows, the light was too piercing. A huge leap, its too hard to venture alone.

My kids (Ya Allah, please bless and guide them always) are a wonder.
He is Syazwan.
Have a speech-disorder..able to talk, only when extremely provoked.
A bright child but lack the means to express himself.
An object to bullying ... but that's another story.

A neglected one (despite the insistent bullying, that is) this child. My heart goes to him but haven't got enough time to actually speak with him. The first real attempt was during an English Spelling Test. I hear pattern of words, his eyes enquiring, his hands and fingers draws upon an invincible whiteboard.
That, is his words.
I heard him said "Wow!' with such a diffusion of joy on his face when I sharpened his pencil. (Take notes, kids and sharpener are inseperable).
This, is his expression.

Then, one day, one AMAZING day...on the first day I became their class teacher, I was set out to hear their hafalan doa-doa. I MUST hear everyone, that fact, is clear. I was set out to hear Syazwan's. With a neutral expression (and purposely seemingly bored expression), waited and recite along with him. I soon found out that he was unable to make a full-sentence, just one or two syllables. More that than, he couldn't carry on..because a cough fit would follow. I don't know..be it his medical condition or it's because he didn't speak for a long time, talking becomes a 'chore', a 'difficulty'. He teared up..him struggling to continue, really wanted to and unable to. The sheer helplessness of himself.. My heart goes..and yet, set on for not 'pitying' him, I waited. When he stops coughing, I only recite two or three syllables in which he can follow. .and he did. For the first time (I think, in his life), he finished reciting doa Qunut. LESSON ONE.

LESSON TWO. Danish was beside him that day. All Syazwan's classmate looked at me like i was crazy, "Teacher, He can't speak!!!!" i can almost see their eyes rounded, wanting to shout the comment aloud. And when he does, at a pace..Danish leaned in, trying to catch his words, barely audible..yet, it's there. His eyes rounded in wonder. Since that day, the bullying (almost) stops. Then I realized what they were doing all this time. They provoked Syazwan just to hear 'his voice'. They would pound him until Syazwan chased them out of mute fury. Sometimes, it could lead to mute despair, but they didn't know any other way to 'speak' with him. Now, they do. Their treatment changed drastically. Danish, Hafiz, Haziq attempted to talk to him after that, sometimes with a brief reply, often a quiet nod just to acknowledge their existence beside him.

Now here comes Azzim, the new kid and the new bully. Honestly, he made it his special mission to annoy the world out of Syazwan. When Syazwan began to trust me (he starts showing me his favourite drawings of ships and whales - my dear, i heart you~ :D), Azzim used it as his medium. Compliment or asking Syazwan to draw for hm. Made to feel competent, Syazwan changes..MasyaAllah, if you could just see him, that mute joy. :"D Syazwan found his expression 'with' others. But it's not enough to make him comfortable to speak. Impatient, Azzim drew on Syazwan's beloved drawing. I'm not proud of it, but I gave him a good scolding. I know how much those drawings means the world to Syazwan, his only medium of expression, his pride and joy. When I scolded Azzim, Syazwan's expression turns to triumphant. He regained his right, to be allowed to feel angry when injustice was being thrown at him. That little act of justice he can claim.

Another, my attendance call-out was initially because I was usually confused with who is Farah and Hasanah. So everyone who is present MUST say "ada". The absentee must be greeted with silence. No one speaks for others. One must speak for himself. It's a joy to tease Syazwan and the class..they kept going to his defense, saying he IS present. My dear, it's my LAW. And soon..when Syazwan builds his confidence, he said a proud "Ada!". A heartfelt shout, I exist!!! :D Acknowledged it with a most unsuccessful attempt to be nonchalant, I can't help but smile. Syazwan finally speaks on his own accord.

He now stand tall, as equal with his 'friends'. Yes, indeed he made friends. And you know what...when Syazwan is competent enough to speak for himself, when he wants to..and when he needs to..Azzim stop badgering Syazwan. A sudden calm. An eye from the storm. He would sit and look at me, perfectly content. His smile says this, "Mission Accomplished.!" Oh my dear boy~ :D you AMAZE me~

Children are more of an adult than we think..they 'care', honest and true. Loyal, energetic, sympathetic...and they forgive people easily, once you make the effort to make peace with. True human heart. When you give them the right surroundings to grow up, rather than in a plastic Disney-world land. They are a 'human'... the most vulnerable and kind. Don't look at them as if they don't know anything. They do. If they don't, it's because they haven't been taught. Don't underestimate them.. they're wonderful. Ya Allah, they are wonderful~ :")

droplets... of Your Mercy, Your Compassion

it will pass..

to feel the weight of solid just for a moment on the tips of your head, just for a fleeting moment before it sinks in through

ease off my sorrow and washed my tears away

comfort when just that last moment it became almost too unbearable, too hard..

and being understood so perfectly

to feel it being lifted up like a bird's feather

He listens when no one else does, soothes in a way that is gentler than a mother soothing her child..

"Jika Allah s.w.t. menolong kamu mencapai kemenangan maka tidak ada sesiapa yang akan dapat mengalahkan kamu dan jika Dia mengecewakan kamu maka apakah yang dapat menolong kamu sesudah Allah s.w.t? Dan ingatlah, kepada Allahlah juga orang yang beriman itu berserah diri." =')

Ali-Imran: 160

Syazwan replied "ada" today during attendance call-out

a strong and sure one

i can't help the smile long after that

i'm glad, Syazwan

i'm glad =")

do you know what it feels like to be able to speak?

i understand

i understand him perfectly =')

- - -

only the heart can understand..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Salaam,

A white fog settled whilst i was driving earlier today. Riding through the highway, a thought beheld me. This highway i was on is more or less straight, seemingly plain and direct..few smart houses decorate it's sides, the world feels open and wide. Then, passing through the traffic junction (in which, the lights blinking yellow a.k.a it's broken. again.)..occurred to me how the people from the other road would pick the winding roads at their area to reach the other end of this highway. Here, at this same road, beyond this smart plain houses, are a far more complex junctions and yet leading to this same one, only longer and more picturesque.

The method could be different but the direction is the same.

If you're a driver, typically you'll search for the shortest way to reach your destination.

What about us in life?

Trying to go to Jannah, the way is, unfortunately, not that easy. It seems easy to speak, and sometimes, easy to feel..but the farther you walk..you would realize it's actually..hard. :'(

And it's even harder to forgive ourselves for the sins we commit, that somehow, we can't help make over and over again. The path of Taubat is like that. Easy to say "Taubat Nasuha"- one you promised you wouldn't do again, and yet..slipping is far too easy. :'( The path to Taubat sometimes means you have to work hard, 'really' hard.

First, is to accept, rather than deny the sin.

Two, to not be redha with it. This type of transgression.

Three, you work hard to do more good than bad, until the bad would be overwhelmed until it reduce to non-existence. Maybe. InsyaAllah~

i'm trying to understand..

i'm jealous.

i'm jealous of those with a pure heart..who could see things clearly, in ways that pleases Allah.

it's hard to face Him when you know that there's stll a lot of black spots in your heart.

as Rasulullah s.a.w once reprimand Abu Zar for calling Billal a 'black woman's son'..

"Masih ada jahiliyyah dalam dirimu"

one that made Abu Zar clenched with fear and asked Bilal to step on his head.

I did something today that i'm not proud of. I let my temper and irritation win. They don't deserve that. They've been kind. I wasn't.

Thank You for the sponge cake, M. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry.

i thought i've grown up. Apparently, being almost-23 still means you got a lot to learn, about yourself and the people around you.

Ya Allah, i may have been on that winding roads now, please please please help me get back to the main road. Ya Hadi, help guide me~

- - -