ruang

Bismillah...

ku fikir jarak ini akan melepasi lautan Atlantik, benua Afrika.

kurasa akan jauh mengenal generasi mereka.

kamu dengan duniamu, aku dengan duniaku?

owh...ini salah. sepatutnya mendekati, kan..

soalannya...bagaimana?

dan apabila membaca tinta mereka...ya, aku kenal ini.

aku kenal peribadi-peribadi ini.

kata-katanya, sifat-sifatnya, karakter-karakternya

setiap orang memang berbeza peribadinya

walhal itulah kelebihan yang Allah swt ciptakan dalam setiap hati manusia

setiap orang berbeza, kekuatan dan kelemahan

tabiat, kesukaan, kebencian

kenapa?

itulah makna dalam masam manis kehidupan

mungkin kerana daku ingin mencari kekuatan

ya, tenagaku juga masih bersifat manusiawi

akal ini insani (pelupa)

menadah tangan, memegang beban mesti letih kan?

jika secara fizikalnya boleh tahan, kenapa tidak emosi dan harapan?

ku ingin jadi mereka...

dialog 2 sahabat:

seorang sahabat (A) ingin sembahyang, dan meminta air wudhu dari si B

Si B menuangkan sedikit air untuk memenuhi tangan si A, lalu tidur

hampir fajar sadiq, ia terbangun

terkejut apabila melihat si A masih tetap ditempat duduknya, air ditangannya tidak berkurangan sedikitpun

tersentak si A apabila ditanya, "apahal kawan?"

"tahukah kamu, sejak kamu meletakkan air ditanganku sehingga saat ini, aku terfikir, terbayang bagaimana itu dunia akhirat."

sehingga lupa

sehingga jasad pun lupa untuk letih

di mana sepatutnya ku letak harapanku?

Ya, pada Allah swt

walaupun hati resah memikirkan batas kemampuanku

kemampuan Allah swt lebih besar, menolong diri menadah apasaja yang diletakkan atas tangan ini

Ya Allah swt

hanya Kau yang tahu batas kemampuanku

ku sangka ini batasku, tetapi Kau kerap memberi lebih dan lebih lagi

sehingga diri pun berfikir, ya, sebenarnya diri ini mampu, masih mampu lagi

titiplah kesabaran padaku, Ya Rabb

agar diri sentiasa benar-benar pasti dan berserah akan ketentuanMu

kerana hanya Kau yang benar-benar kenal diriku

- - -

Speech bubbles

Bismillah..

Briefly went to Tamu Kianggeh earlier today, and somehow the buzz have yet to cease. Which words are my own, I wonder?

"... felt like posting kuih cincin to them, maybe next week."

"... need to be as an equal, not as a babysitter."

"... how do you choose? which one is right? 

This career path I didn't know which one to take. Maybe I should try Istikharah."

"... one... two... three... this should be enough."

"... so alike with Rasulullah SAW, his life. So confident was he of the right and wrong, and usually he would step forward in everything, but the few times he falters, it was his wife who stood strong, convincing him of the right."

 "... the 'thought' of walking a few miles and already a white flag? sometimes, I wonder if they're even men. Manja!"

"... they haven't lived our lives. They haven't experience the heat, the broken-down, the pain we went through. Comfort-zone, yes. Sometimes downright unbelievable, yes. But understanding is the essence of acceptance and endurance..and sometimes, its the privilege of pulling the rug from underneath their feet so they'd feel the cold, hard floor. Taste reality and wake up!"

"... undefined by gender, or physical limitations, it's the soul. (Equal in the eyes of Allah swt)"

"... the mind creates he/ she should've... the heart convinces, I can and persevere."

- - -

Anakku

Bismillah...

"Didiklah anakmu sesuai dengan zamannya." 

- Sayyidina Ali bin Abi Talib 

Apabila tersilap langkah, hati mana yang tidak tersayat? 

Apabila tangan yang membentuk, tiba-tiba ditepis kasar, kerana terlalu kuat, terlalu memaksa bagi yang dibentuk. Hati ibu mana yang terasa, hati ayah? Hanya kerana terlupa...rasa bagaimana itu remaja?

Umur 25 tahun...dan 'baru' tahu apa rasanya melihat situasi ini dengan kacamata ibubapa. 

Ya, Remaja. Memberi yang terbaik dalam segala bidang, fasa pencarian, fasa mengenal diri sendiri, fasa menolak diri sehingga batas mana yang ia mampu...sampai kadang-kadang tidak tahu kearah mana ia tuju, atau apabila tahu, kurang fasih membahasakannya.

Ya, Ibubapa. Sarat dengan pengalaman sehingga lupa, apa rasanya itu remaja. Apa rasanya bermula dari tapak, tapak diri sendiri, bukan tapak orang lain. Lupa sehingga apabila cuba membentuk, malangnya telah melukakan, walaupun dengan tidak sengaja. Tandanya ada...dari diamnya mulut, dari bahasa tubuh (mengelak, dll)..tapi saat itu, tidak faham, kerana menganggap semua masaalah itu adalah apa yang diutarakan...sehingga terlewat. Sehingga terlewat memeluk anak yang terluka. :"(

Ya Allah swt, Kaulah yang mengajar...bahawa dalam pahit itu, ada madunya. Jika ini pahit...aku memohon, aku mengharap, madunya ada...ubatnya ada...bukan untuk diri ini, tapi untuk anakku.

Jagalah dia kerana tangan ini tidak berupaya mendekatinya. 

Aku yakin dengan janjiMu, Ya Allah swt.

Urusannya ku hadap padaMu, keyakinannya ku mohon padaMu.

Maka jagalah ia...walau berapa lama ia mencari dirinya. Ya, ia akan sakit, akan terluka dalam pencariannya...tetapi sebagaimana Kau ciptakan luka pada badan, dan Kau juga ciptakan badan untuk menutup luka dengan sendirinya, urusan hati hambaMu Kau lebih mengetahui.

...dan ibubapa, tidak akan putus mendoakannya.

Ya, walau dari jauh...itu tanda kasih sayangnya.

- - -

Tuhan Maha Cinta

Nidji - Tuhan Maha Cinta

OST "Sang Pencerah"

Tahukah Tuhanmu selalu hidup di dalam hatimu

Cinta dariNya menjawab semua masalahmu

Dia mendengar melihat dan selalu berfirman

Perangi neraka di dalam hatimu 

Damaikan jiwamu dengan cinta Dia

Memberi yang ikhlas kepada yang butuh

Bersyukurlah terus tanpa kenal waktu

Serukan, ikhlaskan, pasrahkanlah hanya kepadaNya

CintaNya adalah jawabanNya karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Tahukah Tuhanmu selalu hidup di dalam hatimu

Cinta dariNya menjawab semua masalahmu

Dia mendengar melihat dan selalu berfirman

Perangi neraka di dalam hatimu 

Damaikan jiwamu dengan cinta Dia

Memberi yang ikhlas kepada yang butuh

Bersyukurlah terus tanpa kenal waktu

Serukan, ikhlaskan, pasrahkanlah hanya kepadaNya

CintaNya adalah jawabanNya karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

- - -

O Allah,
Verily, there's no competition to Your love
in magnitude, in compassion, in hikmah
for I found myself truly bewildered
happy, relieved, thankful at how deep Your love can be
because You return what is lost
You assure when we doubt
You forgive when we regret our sins
You give the solution even through the unspoken
always in the heart of every person, every living being

I remembered the tempest
I also remembered the calm
because my teacher, who guide this heart
even when stepping unto a boat, about to sail to uncharted waters
that hold this soul, head and heart
is You

I remembered 
that although this feet stands on the ground now
to always remember to protect this nikmat well
as a sign of those who is knowledgeable and those who are thankful

- - -

Growing up

Bismillah...

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

"I know what I don't want to be...you."

Thinking about it...those words are harsh...yet many spent their adolescent, even up to adulthood thinking that. Mitch Albott narrates in his 'five people you meet in heaven book', how one fights with childhood, how he thought parents are being cruel, inattentive, robs youth of dreams and hope.

It's harsh and unfair.

Yet, why does it rings true?

such as cruel things. it wasn't suppose to happen...yet, it happen. Just as there ARE parents who abandon, abuse or neglect their children.

...but in normal cases...

they're human

serious flaws as they age up, and so would we, actually...when it's our time

what's unforgivable, we might understand as we grow older

but right now...

injustice, frustrations vented out on kids

I mean the mild emotions ones

O loves (sons and daughters), have patience

you might know more

you might know less

even if its unfair, be silent and deliberate before speaking or choosing not to

cry if you must

Allah swt loves you better when you persevere and be patient

don't want to grow up to be like them (act like them)?

then, don't

be better, and forgive them

the way you'd hope your kids would forgive you when 'you' make mistakes, intentional or not

- - -

Moving Week

Bismillah...

A wee bit hectic this week,

work keeps on piling up, one after another

report-writing, furniture-moving, book-hunting

it's december, and I don't think I'll get any closure anytime soon

kept telling myself that it's a phase

a new life in every direction: family, work

wishes upon wishes

expectations upon expectations

hopes upon hopes

it's been nagging

a feeling that stings, like iron rust, a misplaced violin chord

a sweet pain named melancholy

when there's something in life you missed

and kept looking at your back 

trying to catch a glimpse of it

maybe because I haven't had a proper goodbye to them

to B, to my lovely twins

like a scratch on a mirror

as if trying to find a balm to smooth that surface

"part of it (love) ... is also letting go."

because I missed them :"(

what kind of person cries everytime she sees her six-years-olds graduate?

when seeing two green money packets?

Afwan my loves, this silly teachers of yours is also a child at heart

thank you for still believing in me and love me unconditionally

regardless of all of those flaws and faults

thank you for your sweetness and loveliness that has been matchless, up till now

yes, am letting go

yet, it doesn't mean the air is less cheery, less vacant from your presence

  

Gah! *face-palm*

right now am hopeless

no matter what

it's still du'a

I want to see you girls again

and hopefully, that essence would still be part of your character

- - -