when the wind blows..

Bismillah...

"Atau siapakah yang memperkenankan (doa) orang yang dalam kesulitan apabila ia berdoa kepada-Nya, dan yang menghilangkan kesusahan dan yang menjadikan kamu (manusia) sebagai khalifah di bumi? Apakah disamping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Amat sedikitlah kamu mengingati(Nya).

Atau siapakah yang memimpin kamu dalam kegelapan di dataran dan lautan dan siapa (pula)kah yang mendatangkan angin sebagai kabar gembira sebelum (kedatangan) rahmat-Nya? Apakah disamping Allah ada tuhan (yang lain)? Maha Tinggi Allah terhadap apa yang mereka persekutukan (dengan-Nya)."

An-Naml, 27: 63-64

it's You, O Allah swt~

it's because of You (lillahi taala)

Too High for our knowledge

Too High to understand Your planning

how the world is created, the mechanism, the habitants

these elements rage, yet You are there to control each waves, each shocks

all in submission to You

those of knowledge, use these hikmah well

as a khalifah

it is He who guides your understanding, who led these hands and feet

to be sure in the act of faith

remember

remember

for only a few remembered You

let us not forget You, O Allah swt

let us not be led astray by what the material world means

by the things that appear to be masked by a drape

it'll still be You to pull the rope of the curtain

Your Secrets revealed one by one

"... ketaatan dalam beribadah, 

kadang-kadang perlu dilakukan tanpa memerlukan sebab, melainkan lilahitaala"

- - -

A bad day

Bismillah...

"... berlaku adillah."

I...tried

the result confuses me, hurts me

threatens to break me

what made their heart a blackened tone?

their voice a mockery?

what possessed them to utter words that a Mukmin wouldn't have said?

"No. No. No."

"who said that? I'll give them a piece of my mind."

"They're wrong. You're wrong. I'm right."

what to do?

I slipped away before I uttered a retaliation in anger

no, Sayyidina Ali r.a wouldn't have done that either

when a Musyrikin spat at his face in Ghuzwul Badar, he lowered the sword intended to kill him

"why? why didn't you kill me?"

"because at first I tried to kill you for the sake of Allah swt, but when you spat at me, I'm afraid I'd strike you because of my anger." 

*I wouldn't be beaten down by my own nafs. I did this because of Allah swt.*

Protect that niat.

Even when they threaten to break me down.

"Allah telah menetapkan: "Aku dan rasul-rasul-Ku pasti menang". 

Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Kuat lagi Maha Perkasa." 

Al-Mujadilah, 58 : 21

Forgive them when they seek it from You, O Allah

for I have forgiven them

what's the use of holding unto this anger?

when it (anger) came from the same syaitan who whispers those words into their ears

I feared that they'd forget

"Syaitan telah menguasai mereka lalu menjadikan mereka lupa mengingat Allah; mereka itulah golongan syaitan. Ketahuilah, bahwa sesungguhnya golongan syaitan itulah golongan yang merugi."

Al-Mujadilah, 58: 19

You will win, O Allah~

Your Words would win~

*am holding unto that* 

"You are the One who makes me strong.

I wouldn't be beaten.

If I hold on to You, come what may

this uncharted water, I'd cross it

I'd crossed this ocean

because I'd know You'd be the One guiding me."

- - -

Ninja Turtle

Bismillah..

soft centre, hard exterior

"... sometimes you got no choice but to be strong..."

"... when you have something to protect."

- - -

Masjid

Bismillah..

if you go to Limbang, or to KK from Brunei, you'd have to pass Temburong. When you stopped at the immigration point, there's also a Masjid there. Simple and humble. Accommodates locals, travellers, wandering souls...

There's a delightful charm of that small section for Muslimah's prayer area. 

Soft light filter through the dim area. Old wooden partitions, bookshelves of well-worn mushafs..a piece of paper, probably dated years back cellotaped on the old partition. A small area...where you can almost see the old woman who plastered it there, a word (an Asmaul Husna), whereby she sits there everytime its Maghrib or Isya or Subuh, sits there obediently, sincerely...whereby everytime she sees that piece of paper, she's reminded of how kind Allah swt is...to find comfort in that, to find loyalty to perform ibadah from that. Everything about the place charmed me...the old has character, because there's sincerity in every rihal used by children who went for mengaji there, every self-made wooden table, every Al-Qur'an, every Islamic books being waqaf there. it's the first Masjid I've felt the sincerity, the loyalty of its attendants...as if each wall absorbs their dzikir, remembers their submission to Allah swt, the tranquility, the serenity...

a friend of mine just had her Walimah (wedding ceremony) today. don't know why I felt like crying... probably am just that happy. I've known them both, knew how it started and the conversations I've had with her came flashing by, how she had prayed this day would come...i'm happy, because Allah swt granted her prayer. am happy that finally, what and who they are becomes halal. and tonight...the tranquility I've felt in that masjid, I can imagine it now.

"... mendirikan masjid."

I've always wondered why people say marriage is like building a masjid. Probably just to make it sound sacred or sweet-talking the event. Because in reality, I don't see how families become a Masjid. Often, I saw the opposite, so how can that word be true?

it's how a Masjid is being built and tended after, even when it's well-worn, old, used...its ruh (spirit) remains alive even when the occupants/attendants have left. The ruh, the niat of why that masjid is being built, the materials, the laborers (usually the masjid's jemaah) carefully chosen. Then, how each items are placed in every corner, not too extravagant - simple, humble, practical. of how frequent the names of Allah swt are spoken to inside those walls, how every inch of carpet have been touched by a servant's forehead, knees or foot in prostration. The tranquility of Allah's redha washes over every visitors who step foot inside the door.

I envy that

the simplicity, the loyalty, the Redha

i can say a million things how I'm not, but a sister said this...to look forward, no matter what, to always say, start now, step by step...regrets doesn't make it real, but how to feed hope alive, to be patient, to be true even when you stumble a million times...stand up. just stand up.

even when tears came streaming, stand up and move forward. its not the materials that first makes a masjid, but rather the ruh. 

sounds scary...not 'bad 'scary, a 'good 'scary, I guess.. :")

- - -

To be fair

Bismillah..

"Hai orang-orang yang beriman hendaklah kamu jadi orang-orang yang selalu menegakkan (kebenaran) karena Allah, menjadi saksi dengan adil. Dan janganlah sekali-kali kebencianmu terhadap sesuatu kaum, mendorong kamu untuk berlaku tidak adil. Berlaku adillah, karena adil itu lebih dekat kepada takwa. Dan bertakwalah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang kamu kerjakan."

Al-Maidah, 5: 8

I was deeply disappointed by her attitude

thought it was unfair, what she did

didn't keep to her promise, didn't guard an amanah

worst, to burden others with her emotional tantrums

are we suppose to just accept that?

that it's her personality?

accept that, and yet the heart is seething with suuzon (bad impression)?

frankly, sick and tired of it

hate to see her in that light

hate that I 'hate'

 thought that I was calm when deliberating

thought I had everything under control

yet, these words keep popping up, serve as a reminder

a reminder of what?

"...do not let the hatred of a people prevent you from being just. 

Be just; that is nearer to righteousness..."

did I made my choices based on my emotions, too?

had I also, been unfair?

I might have, haven't I?

that ain't right

that's not right at all

some people fear confrontations

seeing them as uncivilized

so what?

walk away?

denial doesn't solve problem

have lived my life under that consequences

when the outburst happens, hurts more than if truth be told from the beginning

truth hurts

yet, it's ideal

to be fair

for everyone

especially for the perpetrator

to save them 'from' themselves

it's not rude at all

when your intentions are not to judge

but to be fair

"berlaku adillah"

I have to
it's nearer to takwa
if I fear Allah swt, I should be fair
confront...with lillahtaala in the heart
don't confront if there's even a string of anger still exist within

- - -

Those who came with wings...

Bismillah...

"tergamam aku..."

between EXPERIENCE and KNOWLEDGE

I don't know..should I narrate it back?

I don't know

my goosebumps still hasn't settled..and the fear...

- - -

what started as visiting old friends' blogs, end at a post

had only yesterday 'tried' to teach the kids (5-year-old) about Rukun Iman (Pillars of Islam):

1. Believe in Allah swt

2. Believe in Angels (malaikat)

3. Believe in the Books (Kitab-kitab)

4. Believe in the Hereafter

5. Believe in Qada' and Qadar

Believe in Angels:

Malaikat: They have wings, not two (like birds), but thousands, millions, billions that they could've lift a Mekah with just 1 wing

They're also made of light

I talked about it

but even myself wonder about it

'how' are they made of light?

'how' do they look with wings?

I have never seen them...so how could I be sure?

just take Allah SWT word for it, from the Qur'an, from the seerah (Rasulullah SAW meeting Jibril)

that was only yesterday

I wondered about it, only in passing

but just now, I felt like them (my kids)

I knew NOTHING

O Allah.. :"(

Just read an old friend's post about her dream

she lacks in-depth religious knowledge, so I can vouch how authentic the dream was

'twas NOT made up :'(

she dreamed of waking on a white desert, with pebbles strewn everywhere

everyone were naked, without a single string on them. They were heading somewhere and infront of them there are large figures, with WINGS on their backs, and canes in their hands

hitting the people, as they made into a line

twas hot, the sun so close (hanya sejengkal)

how could she have known that?

impossible unless if she stood there herself

felt the hard pebbles, the heat of the sun

...and she saw MALAIKAT

she saw them...didn't know what they are..saying they're like aliens, but not.

"tergamam aku..."

dunia akhirat itu dekat

dunia akhirat itu dekat :"(

- - -

taming

Bismillah...

"a piece of youth lingers"

"Your redha,

where does it lie?"

- - -

حليم (Haleem)

Bismillah...

Haleem, in Arabic means a sort of deep patience with the trials of life

Halim or Haleem (حليم) is an Arabic adjective meaning gentle, forbearing, mild, patient, understanding, indulgent, slow to anger, "what we call a civilized man". In Islam, Al-Halīm is one of the 99 names of God, with that meaning.

- wikipedia

Flowers That Bloom When Shaken

by Do Jong-hwan

"Where is the flower that blooms without shaking?

Any of the beautiful flowers of this world

all bloom while being shaken

They shake on stems that grow upright

Where is the love that goes without shaking?

Where is the flower that blooms without being soaked?

Any of the shining flowers of this world

bloom as they are soaked

Soaked by wind and rain, petals bloom warmly

Where is the life that goes without being soaked?"

- - -

Stay calm

Bismillah...

It's a trick I've learned recently

suddenly the world is upturned (or so it seems) and people are panicking left and right, eyes dilated, anxious and beside themselves with worry

at one time, I've been in that mess, too

but a talk with my eldest sister calmed me.

she said, "stood your ground. People will keep throwing suggestions at you, but you have to know that your intuition is also right. speak out."

"How can I, when there's no win-win in trying to negotiate/talking with them? How can I, when I've been shouted at, criticized at every turn?," I replied.

yet, there's one thing I found comfort in

someone, at least, is on my side

someone, at least, understood

someone, at least, forgives when I'm being selfish

...and so, I stood up

sometimes it's looking at their eyes, hold them by their shoulders and say, 

"ok, stay calm"

the world would be right again, breathe and think

the answer is always there

the options are always there

turn a 'no' into a 'yes'

if you're a leader, act like it

if those around you doesn't follow your lead, then there's something wrong

either with the ambition and direction, or with the ways (qudwah)

so, am holding back the reins

and O Allah, Thank You~ Thank You..

that when the moment finally came for me to stand up for my own

I didn't have to fight that much with those I cared about

that I 'can' find someone to rely on

that I 'can' trust others to help me

be kind, Han

be kind

and indeed there's a mystery that I could never have seen

how could I have foreseen that?

I can't. 
for once, these things are beyond my logic

yet, it exist.

it has come

the  puzzle

Your puzzle coming into place

will I ever cease to be surprised from You, Al-Bari' (Maha Perancang)? 

- - -

Aina Allah?

Bismillah...

"Aina Allah?"

(Dimana Allah)

"Di segala yang ada

di LANGIT dan BUMI

Di segala yang ada di AIR

di TANAH

UDARA

ANGIN

TUMBUHAN

dan MANUSIA.

Allah meliputi segalanya"

- Sang Pencerah

- - -

"Be at peace with Allah"

Transcendence beyond a human touch

No matter how small, have a magnified value

every cell, every atom of us

created by our Khaliq (Creator)

something that can't quite be explained

such as WIND

we can learn how wind is formed, the different layers, its function, its location

but can one explained the beauty of having it under the fingertips?

the feeling of being freed even in mere small seconds?

of PLANTS

how small it starts, just a seedling

yet, from it, pushed forth a stem, a leaf, a fruit

shot upwards, embracing the sky, its stem changing from green to brown

from flimsy to tough bark

of EARTH

the warmth it stores

the sound of running water underneath it

of how it preserves our natural resources, home of our rezeki (oil, plants, etc)

of how the small grains feel gives one a sense of tranquility (Japanese zen garden)

Ya Khaliq,

the CREATOR of all these things

who Created US, from a mere cell, a blood clot

who taught us all these knowledge which we do not know before

Al-Alaq: 1-2

- - -

peculiar..

"hmm..Mangah, apakan baunya tu? Kayu kah? Nyaman baunya."
-Asyraaf

"cana? Sanang kh payah baca?"
"hehehe..payah, cigu"
"mau pandai baca buku sendiri?"
*nods*
"bah, kalau ia rajin, habis ni 8 set. hujung tahun, boleh sudah baca buku sendiri, napayah orang lain. Mau?"
*nods vigorously*
- Damia, 03.01.2013

Your touch, Ya Khaliq,
in the benign wonder in my nephew's eye
the fascination from just the scent of wood

Your nikmat, Ya Khaliq
how Damia progresses from one phonics to another
herself surprised by her own ability to remember
to read

...and this self own speechlessness
could barely remember how I've manage to be able to read
yet, infront of me...the evidence of Your Greatness
to even be able to form words
to read them

to suddenly 'feel' the beauty of Your Creations, nature, colours
to be able to reflect self from it
how You've taken care of us (Your creatures, Your hamba)
from the minute details to grandest ones

a gift from You
*sujud*

- - -

...less

Bismillah...

"I'm holding on..barely."

wahai insan,
inilah namanya ujian keikhlasan

"heart over head. 
heart over head
heart over head 
(muttering mantra)
forgive, Han
forgive."

- - -

what counts

Bismillah...

Sat with my family for the whole day. 

Blessed I am for the curse of broken car, again.

It's been a long time... sometimes, it's about just 'being' together.

Teaching my baby nephew the wonder of saying the praise "la-wa" (beautiful), my older sisters recounting their childhood full of horror movies, my father recounting the little dialogues he had with his grandchildren, skype-ing with my younger sister in uk...

when the sounds dimmed, lights turned out one by one...have I only realized it's a start of a new year. Entering a new school term rather begrudgingly (it starts tomorrow), piled with more stacks of works, pushed to the last minutes...I forget. That no matter how busy one is, there should be a time to remind self to capped it all of, brushed the box of past, fold things neatly, reflect and ponder, and hope..about the future.

Like a new car, when you start it's engine...it needs time...to push through it's accelerator, test it's brakes, before it warms up to the wonder and challenges ahead. 2012 is like that. A year of planning, preparing, adjusting...in all aspects of life. Because the wheel had turn and it's about to be one of the biggest changes I'll have in life.

 2012 snapshots:

1. Family: Adjusting of the old and the new. This family is learning to accept new people. Getting bigger, learning each other ways. Soon, strangers becomes family. Got a sister-in-law, who absolutely LOVES food. She's like a guru/food-tourist-guide. 

This family is learning to accept that the old ways can't keep a family together. It's not rules, it's the heart, it's the words who mend rather than breaks. At some point, we are pushed to the extremes. Maybe...it's Allah swt way of testing...what makes a family, family. Forgiveness. Give and take. Understanding and compromising. The core of it, is in returning back to Allah swt.

2. Work: It's like someone put a stack of papers on your desk, and on some whim or crazy impulse, decided to throw them in the air. At first, elated, then realizing what a mess was left behind. It's crazy. *laugh*

Yet, it's something to relish about. It's a mess, indeed, with new ideas stacked together with unclear time-plan. Everyone juggling between logistics and human. Felt that crazy enough to just throw everything in the air...and that's it. Some ideas caught the eye, and finally settles, each one fitting nicely. New, untrained...yet the challenge is there! The test of creativity, of resourcefulness, of patience in juggling each own's ethics and emotional compass. A visiting teacher said this before she left: "Don't forget. Before we are the educator, the parent, we are servant and khalifah of Allah. Let the decisions be made based on His redha. Everything else is hikmah, hidayah, rezeki, test. 'Know' the difference. We are different. If we're the same with others, why stay here? for what reason?"

Bless you, O sister of mine. Hopefully I'll see you again this year~

3. Ummah obligation: Life is vibrant, is alive...when you can give benefit to others. Either by giving small advice, of carrying others burden just for them to catch a break. A hand, a random hold, a hug...even through silence, intention made clear. uhibbukum fillah (love you because of Allah swt)~ ... because this heart also hope to receive love and mercy from You, O Allah swt.

4. Old diaries: A closure, and extension. It's there to remind self of how it felt to be at one age once upon a time. To cherish the people who had existed in these life and shape self the way I am. Not different. Am the same person, with a few changes, life that is also my own, not someone else's. Embrace that fact, ya hear?

2013 resolutions:

It's an entirely uncharted waters.

O Allah swt, help me and those around me, the people I know and loved (whether I've known them or not)...to be steadfast in Your path. We might go astray (Naudzubillahmindzalik)... help rein us back into Your circle, Your deen. Let the flow be one. Let us be 'that' strong to be able to change the currents. For You grant victory only to those who made an effort to change, to make the world a better place. Don't go looking for victory, because it is a gift, not some kind of trophy. A gift from You...only to those You have chosen.

Steadfastness (tsabat). If that's also a gift, I wished for it. 

You know my weakness, O Allah...help me turn it into a strength.

- - -