bells..

Their laughters
sunflower of smiles
chasing soapy bubbles
spinning around
hands reaching out
happy
content

This quote somehow keeps popping out in mind recently,
"A man is a child who puts childish things away."

a place of my childhood

something..bad happened
i didn't understand it
is it all ruined because one man made it bad?

it's where i played sandcastles in the backyard
aerobics every saturday morning (That's where i learned to crossed my arms behind me)
rainbows on my way to school
small cut-off pictures for colouring
exams with a half-page for colouring
to colour the name of Allah

it's a place where i was taught how to love
to know of Allah's name

does the present change the past?
no..it doesn't

it's not something you write in your diaries for years for
it's something you would always remember
when everything is true and innocent

i missed a lot of things
a lot of people
Antih Y,i missed you..so much
how are you?

to listen,,

love isn't about grand gestures
it is subtle pieces that grew and grew
like plants

Taranum Qur'an rides the air of Subuh
surprising and soothing
lights out here
and am suddenly aware of my surrounding
drops of rain that hits rythmatically against the roof
few cars swosh pass by, taking their time
the shift of air, in result

senses becmes more acute and triggers feelings that are somewhat familiar
i've done the grand gestures, talking alot, smile alot
and fell down flat
i started to pause, as of tonight
the glimmer dies and forced me to face reality
i started t take notice of my surrundings
taking in that subtle pieces
learning
giving and taking

it was like that time
During Ramadhan, for the first time, i prayed at midnight
Fear and hope were what i felt
and I, for once, started to realize how love for your creator can exist
that it is possible to love, rather than fear Him
You are kind to me,O Allah
but have i been that to You?

"Wahai jiwa yg tenang!
Kembalilah kepada Tuhanmu dengan hati yang redha & diredhaiNya
maka masuklah ke dalam glongan hamba-hambaKu
dan masuklah ke dalam syurgaKu."
Al-Fajr,89: 27-30

- - -

A blog entry:

Salam =)

i feLt like writing in EngLish today..b'cos that du'a was translated in engLish..

It started like this..

i was enveloped with great sadness and grief,tired beyond measures that i thought i had faced my limit. Then, upon intuition Allah had blessed me with on that night, i opened the book "The Sealed Nectar" - a complete biography of our beLoved Prophet Rasulullah SAW.

I came across to a story that maybe all of us know so well as children. The part when Rasulullh SAW went to Taif for the sole responsibility of Amar Ma'ruf,Nahi Mungkar. Instead of a welcome,he was thrown with hard and sharp stones till he bleed to his ankles. He was tired ad wounded but confident of the help of his Lord:

"O Allah! To You alone i complain of my weakness, my insufficient ability and my insignificance before the people. You are the most Merciful of the mercifuls. You are Lord of the helpless and the weak. O Lord of mine! Into whose hand would You abandon me: into the hands of an unsympathetic distant relative who would angrily frown at me, or to the enemy who has been given control over my affairs? But if Your wrath does not fall on me, there is nothing for me to worry about."

"Your pardon is ample enough for me. I seek protection in the light of Your face, which illuminates the darkness, fixing the affairs in this world as well as in the Hereafter. May it never be that i should incur Your wrath, or that You should be wrathful to me. And there is no power nor resource,but Yours alone."

...

Think for a moment..

i cried

..and never had i felt so helpless,so human..so human..so human..

that i realize how true it is that your sole Protecter,sole Helper,sole Listener,sole Observer...is Allah. The One and Only God.

...and never had i felt so hopeful.

i've once heard that sometimes Allah gave you great pain and great sadness because He miss hearing your voice. That should we face the truth in ourself is when we're at the tip of a cliff, isolate from any resource or assistance..and all the walls within us were broken down..till we find this naked patch that is our heart...

even the great Lennin who claims himseLf an atheist,when faced with death,had said.."Oh God!"

No matter how great we think we are..we'd face a situation that is beyond anything we have ever endured. Regardless of what religion you are..please, do remember that prayer..and you ask yourself..how much it is true..

Wallahualam,

From your sister in Islam. =)

MengenalMu, Ar-Rahman~

di sudut hati ini
seperti malam yg bening
alunan ayat-ayat Ar-Rahman mengetuk Qolbu

Rata-ratanya bertanya
Fabi ayyi ala irobbikuma tu kazziban
"Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah yang kamu dustakan?"

Nikmat mata, telinga, lidah
Yang terbesar adalah nikmat hidayah
nikmat ukhuwwah
seperti tidak akan kering airmata
Ya Allah
sungguh banyak nikmat yg Kau berikan
namun daku..

Nikmat mengenalMu
nikmat mengenal mereka, mencintai mereka hanya keranaMu
nikmat mengasihi dan mengasihi
nikmat mensyukuri nikmat

i know you're lost at this point, my dear readers
"come on,what is she saying?"
*laughs* ='')

nikmat mengetahui diri bisa mempercayai
terlalu lama bersendirian
dengan perasaan takut dan terlalu berharap akan hasil
nikmat berlapang dada
nikmat berkata
nikmat menasihati dari lubuk hati
nikmat belajar erti ikhlas
nikmat belajar mengasihi

Baru marking paper students
macam ada yg dapat 0% utk monthly test
Ya Allah, sungguh, aku ingin menangis
this is not normal
my loves, kenapa kamu suka cakap "payah teacher"?
don't give up!
masa balik, durang sampat salam lagi
pun bersedih pasal paper durang
tau they haven't done their best
tapi masyaAllah
masatulah baru sedar betapa semangat mencari ilmu mereka masih sangat tinggi
most would quit
but not them
"teacher, nanti kami tution sama teacher aa."
Allah bless you, my loves~ =')

When they sit for their test
a TP friend who invigilate said this
"you're going to cry."
i did
it's not normal for me to see people fail
i know it's their past (more than half failed in their PMB)
but i never believe it's their present
that it's their future
for someone with heart like theirs
i'll never believe they'll quit trying
but i was so afraid of myself
can i teach them?
can i make them understood and be understood?
can i be a good teacher?

caught a glimpse of what doctors life would feel like
do you how it is to have someone's life in your hands
to see it slipped from your fingers?
although you know that life and death is not within your hands
you can't help asking
did i do enough
or because i was so incompetent that i couldn't save his/ her life?
how can you save your heart when you see other lose theirs?
you try as much as possible to save what you can

my students
i'll work hard for you too

Mengenal sifatMu,Ar-Rahman (Maha Pemurah)
aku tak terkira, dimana penghujung kemurahanMu
tak terhitung banyaknya
tak terisi hati
andai langit ini diperbuat oleh kertas dan nikmat yg Kau curahkan turun
tak akan sampai sesaat ia terbocor
terlalu banyak
terlalu banyak
Ar-Rahman...

"nikmat Tuhanmu manakah yg kamu dustakan?"

- - -

Walk towards the Light

To new beginnings ...

Beneath thy Earth

numb

how can i look up now?
unable to lift my head ='(

different from 2004 Acheh's Tsunami
different from the earthquakes, typhoons..the things i've learned from Environmental Hazard course last semester
my grade for it was pretty high..but what of it?
what use is it?
when the heart fell
a loud thunk to the bottom
inside..

why?

can you imagine it?
it's the feeling you get when death is so close
as if it's staring you in the face..by inches, nose to nose

heard of Haiti..of all those relief efforts that all those Hollywood stars work so hard upon..give a hand..give a hand..
i didn't bother
not much because it felt so surreal, so far away
but rather i had the same feeling wrapped up around the catastrophe, similar as of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans
in both places, black magic, voodoo
overwhelming and crawls into our lives worse than a deadly virus
thick with it's deep secret, deceitful plans, of murderous intent and raw greed
it's a cleansing act

but something grabbed hold
squeeze this windpipe and choke out this tears away

217,000 people
no matter what
human
am, that, too

217,000 is a lot
217,000

how small are we?
when the world is flattened, the earth vomit its content, the sky falls..The Day of Judgement..that number is all so very little
Being in that much of a crowd
so easily be dismissed
when your arms flailing from the rubble
you can see and touch the air
you were crying out with your whole heart "Help! Help!"...till your voice becomes dry, hoarse and exhausted
when that person passed you by
couldn't see you..couldn't hear you..couldn't save you
oh God,no!!!!
tears fall, with great hope and fear
hoping so much to be saved..

and here i am, about to lay back after school and enjoy a cup of coffee
reflecting and smiling at my students behaviour

how comfortable..

='(
and i didn't learn from this
from the ever existing voices that rise from below the ground
still..they are there
still..now,at this very second..there's still people trapped inside!
voices of regret..of deals and agreements are made between them and God
save me and i will submit myself to You!!
i promise!
i promise!
i promise!
a fervent wish
though, when this becomes a past
we begin to forget
forget that we made a deal with Him

on the day of Judgement
there's a more sorrowful voices than that, could be heard
"Woe is me! Woe is me!"
(Celakalah aku! Celakalah aku!)

but by then..
it's all too late..
.
.
.

"Kami tidak mengutus sebelum kamu, melainkan orang laki-laki yang Kami berikan wahyu kepadanya di antara penduduk negeri.
Maka tidakkah mereka bepergian di muka bumi lalu melihat bagaimana kesudahan orang-orang sebelum mereka (yang mendustakan rasul) dan sesungguhnya kampung akhirat adalah lebih baik bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa.

Maka tidakkah kamu memikirkannya?"

Surah Yusuf,12:109

- - -

my 60th entry
if that's an age..

before it's too late
fastabikurats (bekejarlah dlm kebaikkan)!