Cobwebs of Youth

Bismillah..

I guess it's a first

and am still reeling from the shock of it.

to be scold like that

B came in and apologized

I was confused at first, then she said she's sorry

I received the blow of the blame

and her unable to defend me

unable to speak

when me and A stood as the target of the attacks

It's them. The parents and the complaints.
Saying that we didn't teach, leaving the kids to watch TV.
They had learned, only we changed our tactics..from formal to infromal form of education. That's what our recent preschool education courses were trying to show us. To make their learning more integrated..more fun. The kids must've misunderstood because of the sudden change of tactics..and assume we were just playing all day. The videos..well, I can only say, it's their form of brief reward for their hard work in the early morning and for the year throughout.

But from the parents perspective and her:

Her. Receiving the direct end from it.

The distress, the pressure, the disappointment, she poured back to us and say some hurtful things.

Do you know why I wished to stay for next year? You.

But if you feel that I'm incompetent, then I'll go.

Thank you for the consent, because if it had to be personal, I have dreams to chase

it's my final decision. 

I've been hesitating...but that blow kinds of sealed it.

I..was angry at first.

The complaints understood but unjustly executed.

she could've said it personally and we could've been spared from the humiliation. The unjust of it.

because we sure have something to say.

Yet she wouldn't listen

and then..adding insult to injury?

when you ordered Z to monitor my own class??

Ya Allah, I was furious.

This seething cauldron that is my heart...

Alhamdulillah I could control my self, I held myself in check and took care of my kids

I love them. I love them. I love them.

They must have been startled.

I hid my face from the outpouring tears, barely holding them in check when B came in and hold my hand sympathetically.

I'm almost crazy mad and yet insanely calm, seeing each pieces, angling from different views.
Kindergarten teachers: we are multi-taskers, trying to be creative and yet still dealing with children of low psychomotor skills, short fuse, short attention span, and yet disciplining and loving them all the same.
Parents: they are just the listeners of their child's brief and easily misunderstood interpretation of events.
Kids: Ya Allah, I love them to pieces but how shall I start...
Her: Years and encounters with different people attitudes made her this way. Complaints from the parents are the hardest. Ask any teacher, it's emotionally challenging and negatively/positively-charging. 

Trying to forgive. I understood too well, the anger, the expectations. I might've expect better from her, but judging from recent encounters..her heart. I fear for it. Emotions she could barely control..and that human ego.

On the outside, there is in many ways we are alike.

but inside..I guess my T made me who I am. More perceptive. More accepting. More forgiving of human condition, of human weakness.
Especially after Umrah, seeing the People. I learn this, whatever trouble i encounter from people, it's just the beginning. because there's a whole more people alike out there, so you might as well brace yourself and prepare for it.
 Because when I failed, I failed hard, yet I can reflect upon it, put Allah first as my priority to held my logic at bay, and allow the heart to forgive..to really forgive.

it's...hurting, isn't it? that you can't break free yourself? from your own demons?

I've made my peace a long time ago.

for me to be able to move forward, to be tentative at my footsteps and yet still moving forward, no matter how slow it is.

so no, I'm not mad anymore.

Yet, I'll still go.

I can't deny that it still hurts..but rather..it's better for two person who are alike and yet so different in dealing with her own intrapersonal feelings...to just remains at a distance. Until you can look past yourself. because these problems: parents complaints, administration trouble will always come..but you had to deal with it, with a clear heart.

I'm gonna back off but I just wanna say...

I love you,my sister..

I love you because of Allah SWT 

(because His love is bigger than mine, His Forgiveness is ahead of mine)

Ya Allah...whatever steps, whatever path i took now...I hope it has Your redha.

Even if it means that this (friction of ukhuwwah) is just a beginning of many more to come.

Hold our hearts, Ya Allah..because it wasn't mine to keep.

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