The responsible one

Bismillah...

Every working days I watched her back. Sometimes as late as 5.30pm. Juggling things which such flexibility it reminds me of a sotong (octopus). You know, with the tentacles and all. Vicious, efficient and creative.

That's why she's in charge of the academic, and not me.

My own cousin. Weird, wacky, outer-worldly...yet, when she's on the job. *jaw-drop* Because she can handle it, the pressure and all. Such strong self-determination.

There's a lots of things I learned from her. Part of it is emotional stability. Recently, I've been hit with a huge blow, lost something, someone. I was heart-broken. I can count..in my life, there has been three such cases. This one, takes longer to heal...I expected myself to last for a week in such ruin. Alhamdulillah, it's Allah's lesson for me...and it took less than that. Tried to locked it inside me, keep it with me, lest they'll be worried. He'll be worried.

In the beginning, I can't. Tried to mask it amongst people, because once I'm alone, the dam burst...and even I can't stop the rain from falling down. I've contemplated. Should I tell her? Should I tell anyone?

I slap (mentally, of course) myself a million times. What I've learned came to me and all it takes is for me to believe in them. That all things lost would be returned, and to Allah swt all of us would return. That there's something I have to learn first...that I have to grow up, and learn to be more serious (not face-serious, but heart, hope and effort-serious) so that I can bear responsibilities. That I'll be able to hold that responsibility, protect it, nurture it and bear witness of the fate that Allah swt would have ordained for us.

...but this one, touched my inner nerve to the core. I was emotionally unstable.

Though, for the first time I felt like I could put my heart in someone else's hand. 

Literally, figuratively...

Thank You, Allah swt, for sending me these two people in my life (my dear Zauj and my cousin). That with their presence, am continually be reminded of You. Their presence closest to me, helped me bit by bit, pick myself up from pieces. Helped me to find myself in company and guide me toward independence.

I...want to be responsible.

The independence, the trust...

The time had passed for me to walk behind someone else's shadow. The time had passed for me to rely on someone to hold my future, to be held accountable for my actions. 

When you 'can' trust yourself (with your mujahadatun nafs, iman), then its time. I want to protect and guide others, too. This hope is a reality, not just a dream.

When you can held yourself accountable, then its time.

"... don't fear failure. Because from failure, do we know how to rise above it."

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