Sudah hilangkah rasa malu kamu pada Allah?

Bismillah..

I wanted to ask
"do you feel nothing?"


because I felt my heart squeezed into suffocation
that to be in the same radius was like exposing myself to a deadly disease
Lest I follow, I'd die in His displeasure, in His fury


Logically, it's just a custom
that you send your blessing to your brother
that everyone's having fun, taking their turns
that it's innocent
we're relatives, anyway
not strangers


Ya Allah...


I was facing with their apparent displeasure
"Babah request for you."
I'm sorry...I never meant to disobey
but if its between you and Allah swt
you know what I'd choose
so, don't
don't insist
I have my reasons
and those reasons can't be explain in words
in logical terms
because the heart
the heart denies the logic
that if it's wrong in the eyes of Allah
it's still wrong


Do you know?
I actually felt relieved
to be thus suffocated into tears
because it's a true indicator that ones heart is still alive
that my heart didn't die from sheer habit of witnessing munkar
of following along
when all this time
I feared the day will come when I didn't feel that way
that I wouldn't be able to differentiate right and wrong anymore


So, Ya Allah
thank You
Alhamdulillah~
Alhamdulillah~
Alhamdulillah~
:"(

- - -

new leaf

Bismillah..

Sincerely..I woke up this morning..and barely registered that its 1st January and what it meant.

Beginning of the year?

Wasn't that supposed to be Hijrah year? *smile*

 When I read my friends' comments on the beginning of the year, I realized I need to make a moment for reflection, and for conviction. A disclosure and..probably a fresh start. :)

2011 Snapshots:

1. Family: In the process of repairing family relationship...this year marked an astronaut step to the moon. 

Highly momentous and tears-inducing moment. :")

2. Ummah obligation: Felt like I understood Rasulullah SAW more, the seerah, the Quranic verses played in my head and my heart...like music that fits a film image. 

Astaghfirullalazim~ I'm still naive and ignorant...why do I covered my head with a pillow from the plight of my brothers and sisters? When they're fighting with a bigger obstacle than mine? 

Subhanallah~ Allah showed His Mercy by giving me a chance still to be here, to be aware. 

Alhamdulillah~ His Rahmah is bountiful and great! 

Allahu Akbar~ His Redha & Jannah..that's the true winnings for a Mu'min, and that has been called out faithfully in Azan (5 times a day!)

3. Work: At first, it was like being a new train driver, the friction was great..I brake a lot and I zoomed recklessly alot, too..and released  a load of hot air. Ya Allah, I cringed at the memory~ :S Alhamdulillah, I found my footing..not an expert but at least..I guess I was coping and learn to enjoy each moment, and my love for them kids...Syazwan's my first love, Asilah's my second,tehehe... I hope I got her this year too. My curious, stubborn, lovable little child...you do remind me of myself alot.

4. Went to Umrah: Like a car battery charger..it electrocuted me from my half-coma state with 1000000Megawatts power.

5. Self: What is the difference between quiet and silent? 

Both has similar meanings, yet...The former a calmer, wiser version. The latter a gloomy prospect. Either way, I prefer them than talking carelessly, which unfortunately, I had done a lot for this year, I think. Am not liking the black spots on my mirror. :"(

Conviction of 2012: 

First: refresh niat...what seconds remained of my life..for You. 

Let me have an end that is Khusnul Khatimah (good end), NOT Suul Khatimah (bad end).

You understand me, Ya Allah. You have watched and guide me through my life ever since I'm one of the ruh in LuhMahfuz. You know better of my akhlak, of my character. Please perfect my religion, my faith, my character. Make me guard my words without being too silent, and pour good deeds & hikmah to my words. And give me the strength to fulfill my pledge to you.

Because You are my witness...and I'm a witness to them people.

- - -