For who?

Bismillah...

Time passed, and people changed. Some for good, some for worse, some...and I believe this one, are still searching.

When you worry about people, care for their thoughts and feelings...you are at risk of losing your own, and not having something to stand on. Especially when you yourself are losing connection to the One that matters.

So I did. Prostrate to His feet and really...shedding my ego, shedding my thoughts and feelings. For only to Him really..we look upon and hope from.

I'm glad I got angry. I'm glad I got sad. I'm glad I also got happy.

'I' didn't have to try so hard to be the one that changes things. Truly Allah swt is the holder of all hearts. So something 'did' change.

By Allah's will, He does not move only one heart, but many. 

Me, the observer. 

I know my position now...even if it means removing that personal connection. I shall love and protects how 'I' can. Am not the one responsible for changing theirs.

But by right, I have to be the one who cemented the foundation. Even if I have to be harsh as Sayyidina Umar r.a, or the quiet contemplation as Sayyidina Uthman r.a. 

Allah swt knows.

So make sure the intention is pure..eventhough others saw, perceive, heard you different. Allah swt knows...and He helps those who helps His deen. The thing that I have to do constantly...is to go back to Him.

Endure

Bismillah...


فَاصْبِرْ كَمَا صَبَرَ اُولُوا الْعَزْمِ مِنَ الرُّسُلِ وَلَا تَسْتَعْجِلْ لَّهُمْ  ؕ  كَاَنَّهُمْ يَوْمَ يَرَوْنَ مَا يُوْعَدُوْنَ ۙ  لَمْ يَلْبَثُوْۤا اِلَّا سَاعَةً مِّنْ نَّهَارٍ   ؕ  بَلٰغٌ    ۚ  فَهَلْ يُهْلَكُ اِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْفٰسِقُوْنَ
(Jika demikian akibat orang-orang kafir yang menentangmu wahai Muhammad) maka bersabarlah engkau sebagaimana sabarnya Rasul-rasul "Ulil-Azmi" (yang mempunyai keazaman dan ketabahan hati) dari kalangan Rasul-rasul (yang terdahulu daripadamu); dan janganlah engkau meminta disegerakan azab untuk mereka (yang menentangmu itu). Sesungguhnya keadaan mereka semasa melihat azab yang dijanjikan kepada mereka, merasai seolah-olah mereka tidak tinggal (di dunia) melainkan sekadar satu saat sahaja dari siang hari. (Penerangan yang demikian) cukuplah menjadi pelajaran (bagi orang-orang yang mahu insaf). Maka (ingatlah) tidak dibinasakan melainkan kaum yang fasik - derhaka.
[QS. Al-Ahqaf: Ayat 35]

Its been 10 days...since Uwais was born, and 4 days since Uncle Lamat passed away.  In my heart of heart, I knew the inevitable...yet, like that painkiller gas I've inhaled...believing I had no choice but to numb myself..from the pain? From remembering? From being Reminded?

I very nearly gave up...in the struggle of giving birth...for the second time... I didn't expect the pain and the exhaustion. I thought I did well...with the hypnobreathing technique...yet minutes goes to hours and my body was racking and splitting. I finally took the gas and at one point, despite the pain...regretted it...maybe it had been better for me to endure it (although I knew by the end of it, I'd probably be too exhausted to give birth just dealing with the very close,very deep pain of contraction), because I almost threw the white flag...willing to call it quit. Cut me up or whatever...just end the pain.

This path...too long...too tired...but when the contraction grew stronger despite the gas...I knew I did bad to wish so (quitting). Because quitting means being stuck in the state of limbo...of a numbing pain...you inhale all the painkiller you want, it'll never solve the underlying truth, the pain, the bearing... No matter what...you have to fight through.

...and the seemingly endless had only been a few minutes of such pain...already am willing to trade anything. In the Hereafter, this might be a glimpse of it. The world who seems like its your everything now is actually a mere second.

Astaghfirullahalazim...am I willing to trade the world's comfort for Allah swt redha of me in this life and the Hereafter? Astaghfirullah...

... and so I prayed. "Do you not like it to be forgiven (by Allah swt)?"
By Allah swt, I knew the hadith is true...how He can wipe out a mother's sin and wipe her eyebrows from worry and uplift her soul by pardoning her....and yet...to attain that level...a mother had to endure..have to make peace herself too. For the things that people had done to irritate, to hurt , to aggravate her..."Do you not like to be forgiven?"

"I forgive you. I forgive all of you. I'd held no ill-will, wish for no revenge. So please...may I be forgiven by Allah swt Himself..."

Tears streaming not because of the physical pain...but for the sins I've committed...in procrastination, in dwelling the munkar, in neglecting the maaruf, the haq...

May I remember this moment. While forgetting is a bliss, a nikmat in itself...when the time comes, if I turn to be a dzalimun...to myself and/or to others...may I remember this moment... and may I remember the world is a mere second.

Face it honorably. Stop with the painkiller...don't cloud your eyes and senses from the truth... 

Endure and fight. 
Endure and fight, Han. 
Endure and fight.

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