40 days

Bismillah..

It's been 35 days since we heard the news that he had been sick

It had been 24 days that someone else were called to Him.

Today is his turn.

We were sure 35 days ago...there's signs that he even acknowledges. 24 days ago was not.

Life is... transient.

The world is a... facade.

If you are still sleeping.

Am I?

I had been...that's the truth.

But before Ramadhan opens, He reminds me again

O lost soul and tired limbs

Strained voices and broken dreams

You did live by the day love

But for what

For the world or for your own fate

What do you worry for?

Tears? Longing?

Or regrets?

Or a past you can't undo?

For a present not worth called True?

You have regressed for what's infront of you

Letting exhaustion consumes you

Their soul knows now where they are and still waits

The waiting that seems final

What of your soul, Han?

The one you buried deep just to escape the pain and shame?

Live for no one but for yourself

Reflect

...and come back

"O Allah swt, please forgive me. Forgive them. May we return to You in the best state. The one You favored. Not the ones astrayed. Aamiin~"

- - -

For who?

Bismillah...

Time passed, and people changed. Some for good, some for worse, some...and I believe this one, are still searching.

When you worry about people, care for their thoughts and feelings...you are at risk of losing your own, and not having something to stand on. Especially when you yourself are losing connection to the One that matters.

So I did. Prostrate to His feet and really...shedding my ego, shedding my thoughts and feelings. For only to Him really..we look upon and hope from.

I'm glad I got angry. I'm glad I got sad. I'm glad I also got happy.

'I' didn't have to try so hard to be the one that changes things. Truly Allah swt is the holder of all hearts. So something 'did' change.

By Allah's will, He does not move only one heart, but many. 

Me, the observer. 

I know my position now...even if it means removing that personal connection. I shall love and protects how 'I' can. Am not the one responsible for changing theirs.

But by right, I have to be the one who cemented the foundation. Even if I have to be harsh as Sayyidina Umar r.a, or the quiet contemplation as Sayyidina Uthman r.a. 

Allah swt knows.

So make sure the intention is pure..eventhough others saw, perceive, heard you different. Allah swt knows...and He helps those who helps His deen. The thing that I have to do constantly...is to go back to Him.

Endure

Bismillah...


فَاصْبِرْ كَمَا صَبَرَ اُولُوا الْعَزْمِ مِنَ الرُّسُلِ وَلَا تَسْتَعْجِلْ لَّهُمْ  ؕ  كَاَنَّهُمْ يَوْمَ يَرَوْنَ مَا يُوْعَدُوْنَ ۙ  لَمْ يَلْبَثُوْۤا اِلَّا سَاعَةً مِّنْ نَّهَارٍ   ؕ  بَلٰغٌ    ۚ  فَهَلْ يُهْلَكُ اِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْفٰسِقُوْنَ
(Jika demikian akibat orang-orang kafir yang menentangmu wahai Muhammad) maka bersabarlah engkau sebagaimana sabarnya Rasul-rasul "Ulil-Azmi" (yang mempunyai keazaman dan ketabahan hati) dari kalangan Rasul-rasul (yang terdahulu daripadamu); dan janganlah engkau meminta disegerakan azab untuk mereka (yang menentangmu itu). Sesungguhnya keadaan mereka semasa melihat azab yang dijanjikan kepada mereka, merasai seolah-olah mereka tidak tinggal (di dunia) melainkan sekadar satu saat sahaja dari siang hari. (Penerangan yang demikian) cukuplah menjadi pelajaran (bagi orang-orang yang mahu insaf). Maka (ingatlah) tidak dibinasakan melainkan kaum yang fasik - derhaka.
[QS. Al-Ahqaf: Ayat 35]

Its been 10 days...since Uwais was born, and 4 days since Uncle Lamat passed away.  In my heart of heart, I knew the inevitable...yet, like that painkiller gas I've inhaled...believing I had no choice but to numb myself..from the pain? From remembering? From being Reminded?

I very nearly gave up...in the struggle of giving birth...for the second time... I didn't expect the pain and the exhaustion. I thought I did well...with the hypnobreathing technique...yet minutes goes to hours and my body was racking and splitting. I finally took the gas and at one point, despite the pain...regretted it...maybe it had been better for me to endure it (although I knew by the end of it, I'd probably be too exhausted to give birth just dealing with the very close,very deep pain of contraction), because I almost threw the white flag...willing to call it quit. Cut me up or whatever...just end the pain.

This path...too long...too tired...but when the contraction grew stronger despite the gas...I knew I did bad to wish so (quitting). Because quitting means being stuck in the state of limbo...of a numbing pain...you inhale all the painkiller you want, it'll never solve the underlying truth, the pain, the bearing... No matter what...you have to fight through.

...and the seemingly endless had only been a few minutes of such pain...already am willing to trade anything. In the Hereafter, this might be a glimpse of it. The world who seems like its your everything now is actually a mere second.

Astaghfirullahalazim...am I willing to trade the world's comfort for Allah swt redha of me in this life and the Hereafter? Astaghfirullah...

... and so I prayed. "Do you not like it to be forgiven (by Allah swt)?"
By Allah swt, I knew the hadith is true...how He can wipe out a mother's sin and wipe her eyebrows from worry and uplift her soul by pardoning her....and yet...to attain that level...a mother had to endure..have to make peace herself too. For the things that people had done to irritate, to hurt , to aggravate her..."Do you not like to be forgiven?"

"I forgive you. I forgive all of you. I'd held no ill-will, wish for no revenge. So please...may I be forgiven by Allah swt Himself..."

Tears streaming not because of the physical pain...but for the sins I've committed...in procrastination, in dwelling the munkar, in neglecting the maaruf, the haq...

May I remember this moment. While forgetting is a bliss, a nikmat in itself...when the time comes, if I turn to be a dzalimun...to myself and/or to others...may I remember this moment... and may I remember the world is a mere second.

Face it honorably. Stop with the painkiller...don't cloud your eyes and senses from the truth... 

Endure and fight. 
Endure and fight, Han. 
Endure and fight.

- - -

The Unknown

Bismillah...

Its definitely the hormones

At least its the one thing I manage to convince myself to say

Withdrawn, anxious

Appearance can be deceiving

In control?

How? No matter how many times...I don't see why does that makes it any easier

Truth is.

Am scared.

- - -

To Protect

 Bismillah...

It hurts.
Why stay?

'Because'it hurts, I 'have'to stay.

Grandparents

Bismillah...

I long for the people I never get to meet.

What peculiar dream I had

There was a car workshop with an assembly of toy cars lining up infront

While some mechanics were busy doing their tasks, another couple were entertaining the children

Teaching them how to fix the toy cars themselves

Amongst them was a grandfather

Teaching his grandson

Everyday, this would be his routine

Children would sit out infront, learning new things which the elders would taught with patience

This particular grandfather was particularly loved by them

...one day, he was no more

Old age and his time had come

And her daughter, their mother would wipe off the bench table from sawdust and eraser dust

A single tear started and she just silently clean the place 

Unable to contain her love, her memory of her father, and their grandfather

I woke up bewildered

Was the love of that family that profound that I even dreamt it?

For the first time, I cried missing my own grandparents

Never had a chance to meet them

Or at least one grandmother who was too old to entertain us or we got to know her

I was probably six or seven when she died

What do I learn?

That grandparents are equivalent to presence? wisdom? Unconditional love?

Have I ever felt it, not knowing them all this while?

I do. 

When my parents recall the memory of their father and mother with aching fondness

They are our grandparents

They're old and they simply leave when its time

But someone grieve of their loss

Because they are their own father, own father

...and no matter how old they are

You can't help but miss them, remember them

...and when you do, you revert to this child-form

Eyes wide in bewilderment

Aching for the calussed hand to take your own

Of protection, of guidance, of boundless affection

- - -

 

 

When I was younger

Bismillah..

 The moment you lose yourself

is not seeing yourself in the decisions you make

no matter how good, how right they are

or how bad, how wrong they are

because in the process

you just forget why

why you do it

...and to blame others, the situation, something 'else' other than self

when something goes wrong 

because that's easier

or is it?

Being afraid, being hateful, 

being happy, being joyful

life will play itself on its own

without you grasping everything, trying to script it, control it

the best you can do

is to decide by that force of will

.. and will can be a selfish one or a selfless one

so can you say you wouldn't regret it?

when that will is 'guided'

the comfort, the protection He offered

like water flowing through a deserted land

offers hope in times of despair

in times where the illogical

the cruel times and event

when indecision and hesitation vibrates through being

why their names resound so loud?

guilt? duty? love?

whatever it is...action is wanted

the silence holds no ground

breeds fear and indecision

so be truthful, young one

as long as you know Allah swt asks it of you

He will pour bil hikmah in your words and actions

despite ownself belief ownself has no power, or lack the iman (faith) to carry the words carefully

Guide us, Ya Hadi~

lest we be astray

as You have taught us our words and movements whilst we were young

by the power of Your pen, we entrust our lives

- - -

 

I am what I am...and that's ok

Bismillah...

It got me in the feels...

When put on a spot

 Yet at the right moment

 At the right time

Be honest

Everyone is so human

So imperfect

why are thou beautiful?

Because you have room to grow
A dried root, shoot or leaf

 There's story there

Your awkward self

Your sure self

 Trust is a remarkable thing

 not to confuse effort of being fake

 not to confuse being than expecting

Have faith

 would you like to know that someone has faith in you?

 just trust in Allah swt

And do  your best

 don't you want the present to be meaningful?

 fruitful?

will you dare to believe?

 go ahead

 it's ok

It's ok to be yourself

*smile*

- - -

a blade of grass

Bismillah..

tiny feet thread the green

stop

touch a colour. pause.

tiny hand hovering

a bigger one hold it firmly

encouraging. comforting

she follow-suit

picks a purple petal and plucks it

another one and another one

until a mere stub left

her eyes searching for another

takes off her shoes so she can walk

rewarded with a scream of fright

the ticklish green is strange

the world through her eyes is a vast wonder

yet the mere touch of a blade of grass is a fascinating thing

evokes so much emotion

and grows with understanding

my lil' one..

how ummi forgets alot of things

looking so far would get one lost

look at where you are

start from there

why fear a lot of things?

other's people hearts? 

other people's feelings?

getting lost in their problems

wondering how they end up there

wondering why I'm here

wondering why I choose this path

because He says it

"kun fayakun"

He say, "it'll be"...and it'll be

me...this heart?

look no further and start where you are

seek a height lower than yourself

return to humble beginnings are what the sahabah constantly does

because when you're up there, you see very little

when you're down here, you see everything

be humble

tell me..
why am I so preoccupied of people leaving?
why did I fear so much that they get lost?
letting go of the beacon of light that had shone them their path?
should I be angry and shook them back to reality?
should I slammed the ground and "insist"?

they "chose" this
should I let go?
should I claim it is what He had ordained?

no
you know the answer, Han
advise, even if it cost them shutting their ears
covering their eyes
my loves...I am amongst those who had neglected you when you are alone
while you may "chose" your path
He says otherwise
lest this growing guilt build up
a sign that ukhuwwah is not built from mere words
because it is your Haq
and it is something we must say
I...must say

it's either you do or you do not
there is no "try"
be humble
and begin to understand



this tiny blade of grass

- - -

Calm

Bismillah..

The moonlight

reflects upon the tide

calm is the picture

I wondered

when was the last time I felt this calm?

I was honestly surprised

it was recent

in the busy office

with loads of paperwork and planning to do

huh~

was it because I knew I tried my best each day?

was it because I survived the storm when it comes?

did I just grew up?

In the past, I would seek out the coastline often to vent out

rarely had the time to do so as of late

and yet...instead of how the surrounding defines me, I define my own surrounding

coming into grip with reality

and learn to exist 'with' it

there's a lot of expectations on me

when the letter came to legalized my status

I was quite nonchalant

maybe...because the status doesn't define me

I don't need a stamp to tell me I need to lead or validate that I can order people around

no

recent matters pained me

but it's a blessing despite it's cursed state
it made me reflect of my own intention
of my own words when I'm alone and amongst them
it made me think of Rasulullah SAW
of Sayyidina Omar
I put the first 1 minute of Omar series on repeat
Keep affirm on His path
"so the ignorant can learn, the careless be reminded and the seeker could followsuit"

their words or Allah swt's?

So I kept my silence evwn though I was quite shaken, dissapointed, sad...
I do not put myself in this position but when a muslim is given a reaponsibility, you do not turn yoir back on it
it's my responsibility now

Alhamdulillah~
Thank you Allah swt~
You have shown them what's in my heart without me saying it
The Truth is revealed
Thank You~

I look in the mirror and I'm aware of what is reflected
but Allah swt creates the heart so that its bigger than the physical can own up
calm is in knowing you have Allah swt by your side

- - -

Bermimpilah

Bismillah..

We just had our Ambition Day...or it's Ambition week to be precise.

I stood there infront of the morning assembly and remembered this.... 

Pernah sekali, ketika Saidina Umar dan sahabat-sahabat sedang duduk di dalam sebuah bilik, Saidina Umar bertanya, "Bermimpilah!".

Salah seorang sahabat berkata, "Aku impikan bilik ini dipenuhi dengan harta yang banyak, jadi aku boleh sedekahkannya ke jalan Allah."

Kemudian Saidina Umar berkata lagi, "Bermimpilah!"

Kemudian, seorang lagi sahabat berkata, "Aku impikan bilik ini dipenuhi dengan emas dan permata, jadi aku boleh sedekahkannya ke jalan Allah."

Saidina Umar berkata lagi, "Bermimpilah!"

Sahabat berkata, "Whaia Amirul Mukminin, kami tak tahu apa yang ingin diimpikan lagi. Engkau mahukan bilik ini dipenuhi dengan apa?"

Saidina Umar menjawab, "Aku impikan rumah ini dipenuhi dengan ‘rijal-rijal’ seperti Muaz b. Jabal, Abu Ubaidah Al-Jarrah, Salim hamba Huzaifah untuk aku gunakan mereka untuk menegakkan kalimah Allah, supaya aku boleh hantar mereka ke jalan Allah”

...so I asked them to dream.

Dream, young one.

while you may hope for all the riches in the world, or the most delicious deserts to enjoy

they disappeared as soon

but to uphold your ambition in being useful to other people, to give benefit, protect and care for others...

if a room is filled with that type of people

wouldn't the world be a better place?

my dream?

I had a different dream when I was younger; architect, writer

I couldn't imagine being in the position I tried to avoid during childhood

to be a teacher

endless marking of paper

while my father did create an environment that made me enjoy learning...I didn't see myself in that profession

during TP, I sat down, completely depressed at the thought of being stuck as a teacher for thirty to forty years

though, this afternoon, when I saw a physically impaired young man stood there

accounting his life born of no arms, nurtured by people who never stop believing him, and now, he stood there as one of them (a teacher)

heart stuck in my throat

I wanted to say to him....

"young man, if I've been your teacher, I'd have said this. I'm proud. I'm very proud of you."

...and I remembered why I'm here. as if it has only been yesterday...the young boy who said that proud 'ada!'

My life altered just as I hoped his would too.

I want to be able to see you grow up and say those words. "I'm proud of you."

dream, young one. Dream high.

- - -

Fitrah

Bismillah...

Little drops gathered

form small streams run

along its woodland path

past fallen branches

roots protruding from the ground

run and gather they did

trickling fast until they stilled

to the main river they're meant to find

till they meet others still

in their path to their ending one

'Tis life far from over

one story gathers to another one

woven and woven together

what used to be different now becomes one

Once upon a time, I feared looking into the future

first motherhood is that

full of hope and fear

tethering to the edge, pleading for any kind of hold

and really..all that matters is He who Creates us

A very white one she is

everytime someone says that, makes me want to hold her cheeks to mine

yes, indeed

once, she was very

eyes never leaving her till her cheeks become flushed and her first cries be heard

waiting for the flailing kicking that she had done inside

that waiting, just holding on to Allah swt, hoping..praying..

...and for the first week,

just looking..makes the hold tighter, 

whispering soft prayers to her ears

for nine months, for a breath of life

now, for a life dedicated to One who makes her alive

my child, there is only One who could love you more than I do

while I can say I will stay with you forever

love and cherish you

wanting to give the world to you

it's not possible

for the only One who could know your heart

truly protect and cherish them

till goodness comes out from your words

from your actions as you grow up

there can only be One

the best I can do , give as a mother

more than love and affection

is to give you 'ilm

knowledge of this Deen

so you can recognize your Creator

for the saddest thing, really

is to not know

Hadis riwayat Abu Hurairah Radhiyallahu’anhu, ia berkata: Rasulullah Shallallahu alaihi wassalam bersabda: 

“Setiap anak itu dilahirkan dalam keadaan fitrah. Kedua orang tuanyalah yang membuatnya menjadi seorang Yahudi, seorang Nasrani maupun seorang musyrik.” 

Lalu seorang laki-laki bertanya: 

“Ya Rasulullah! Bagaimana pendapat engkau kalau anak itu mati sebelum itu?” 

Beliau menjawab: “Allah lebih tahu tentang apa yang pernah mereka kerjakan.”

---

to be certain

Bismillah...

Cause' I didn't like to leave things uncertain...

"And they were not commanded except to worship Allah , 

[being] sincere to Him in religion, 

inclining to truth, 

and to establish prayer and to give zakah. 

And that is the correct religion. "

Al-Bayyinah,98:5

There's a scene I like from Omar series that I watched recently, the people from Yathrib came and the leader warned them, if they still held doubts...they'd better return back to Yathrib (Medinah). His people said, 

"we didn't come all the way from Yathrib to turn away from the truth that is clear to us."

and they completed the first pledge (Baiah Aqabah)

If one wishes to be sincere to Allah in religion

don't held doubts

doubts bring you down

appeal to the truth

not own nafs

even if it hurts, even if its tiring

I can never forgive myself for leaving, for staying in the sidelines

for making excuses...

I know I'm tired sometimes, physically...but oh, if you could see the state of my heart

...in Jannah, their words are.. "tired? what is that?" 

We'll forget about it. We'll forget we'd ever complain

I didn't come all the way here to turn my back from it

please...even if my feet bleeds...that's better for me

cause I need to prove to Allah swt that this self is truly for Him

how do we know (how sincere we are)...

well, that's the matter of own heart and Allah swt, isn't it?

- - -

A Proud Mother

Bismillah...

    While the future might be unpredictable, it throws you in some good surprises, too. Do I expect anything from our weekly circles (30mins Tarbiyyah morning slot)? That they derive anything from being acknowledge - both their failures and achievements? Is their weekly solat practise is 'just' to improve and ingrained them on proper ibadah methods? Do I expect anything in letting them 'comment' on their performance (as Imam and makmum) after each solat?

    Imagine my surprise when I asked the usual question "any comments?" that Radjul would offer up a praise the Imam first (its Wardi's turn) and suggested he notch up his voice a bit. If a teacher said that, the pupil would be bashful or nonchalant...but if a peer said that...dude,its cool!

That the others would readily offer anything that I've corrected during their solat. The fact that they themselves offered up those comments with less proding from me. That they are kind when doing so....my heart swelled and I thought, "They grew up...they really grew up."

     I felt like a mother...happy I am that they turn out well with good akhlak, more than I am about their academic achievements. When they gave their all in the sports activities...confident and sure. When they themselves berate themselves or their own teacher for any unkind words.

It really is what it is. When you acknowledge someone on a personal level first, it shows in their attitude towards life in general. They believe in themselves more and succeed more. Just a little bit of understanding and stamping on own temper for anything they achieve less that we expected...that small gesture goes a long way. When they are able to confide in us like a peer would and yet still held you with respect...as an elder...as a teacher.

     I'm proud.

They're just Year 2...yet I saw them mature more than their own age.
For more than being a pupil, they themselves grew up as a teacher.

Red Light

Bismillah..

Its nearing the third phase and already I'm nearing panic attack. Lots are happening and seriously...I need to get a grip before I lose myself.

My uncle had just passed away early yesterday. I didn't realize I'd be so affected as I had. Life is like that. Death is like that.

Surah Al-Mulk

...and today..my little one is restless. Very much so.

...and then hearing one of my kids is leaving for UK...before we can have a proper farewell party..

Oof...why does my heart beats so? Erratic, nervous, painful, afraid...

The uncertainty.

That's the name for it.

Guide me, guide us, Ya Hadi. Only You alone knows where our path takes its turn. Khusnul Khatimah...please. lead us to the right path and don't let fitnah comes after it.

- - -

Mind full of whispers

Bismillah...

Entering another phase..maybe its normal to feel so nervous. The questions grow as everything else does..and answers doesn't come as easily. Maybe it'll take longer..who knows.

...and yet..the unease remains. For a mind that is full of whispers is still a mind that paddles forth despite the currents. Refused to be numbed down by the cold icy waters trying to make you forget, trying to freeze you down.

This fire..I"ll continue to hold even if it'll burn me.

because...

Bismillah...

some things takes time to heal

some wounds are reopen

maybe to address the future, you must first uncover what is buried in the past

so, we can start...not exactly a clean slate, yet, it's  a start

'cause...some things just remains so (painful & fresh every time)

it's a comfort, to know that even these pain are familiar

that it's shared, empathized

O Rasulullah SAW, when you shed tears and people are surprised, you said

"because it's love."

it's a human condition...so we 'can' cry...and that it's ok...and that it's alright to feel grief

to feel a heartbeat

I didn't realize it could be so scary

when memories flood, I realized that sooner or later

am gonna have to face it

undoubtedly, we have to try

even when as a human, we felt we're at a limit

I realize that life is a cycle

in which when the sun sets, it'll rise again the 'morrow

try

"because it's love."

- - -

four tiles and a corner

Bismillah...

Perspective is bitter

within this walls where no words can pass through

comfort in the cold hard surface

where warmth leaves you

pushing back these limits

I wonder what am going through

maybe to taste of feelings again

maybe to hold up..

"This one...is my truth."

I need to feel

hurt when i feel hurt

angry when i'm angry

happy when i'm happy

hope when i'm hopeful

to break these walls I've unknowingly built

defense?

*shuts eyes*

it's time to feel again

- - -