to be certain

Bismillah...

Cause' I didn't like to leave things uncertain...

"And they were not commanded except to worship Allah , 

[being] sincere to Him in religion, 

inclining to truth, 

and to establish prayer and to give zakah. 

And that is the correct religion. "

Al-Bayyinah,98:5

There's a scene I like from Omar series that I watched recently, the people from Yathrib came and the leader warned them, if they still held doubts...they'd better return back to Yathrib (Medinah). His people said, 

"we didn't come all the way from Yathrib to turn away from the truth that is clear to us."

and they completed the first pledge (Baiah Aqabah)

If one wishes to be sincere to Allah in religion

don't held doubts

doubts bring you down

appeal to the truth

not own nafs

even if it hurts, even if its tiring

I can never forgive myself for leaving, for staying in the sidelines

for making excuses...

I know I'm tired sometimes, physically...but oh, if you could see the state of my heart

...in Jannah, their words are.. "tired? what is that?" 

We'll forget about it. We'll forget we'd ever complain

I didn't come all the way here to turn my back from it

please...even if my feet bleeds...that's better for me

cause I need to prove to Allah swt that this self is truly for Him

how do we know (how sincere we are)...

well, that's the matter of own heart and Allah swt, isn't it?

- - -

A Proud Mother

Bismillah...

    While the future might be unpredictable, it throws you in some good surprises, too. Do I expect anything from our weekly circles (30mins Tarbiyyah morning slot)? That they derive anything from being acknowledge - both their failures and achievements? Is their weekly solat practise is 'just' to improve and ingrained them on proper ibadah methods? Do I expect anything in letting them 'comment' on their performance (as Imam and makmum) after each solat?

    Imagine my surprise when I asked the usual question "any comments?" that Radjul would offer up a praise the Imam first (its Wardi's turn) and suggested he notch up his voice a bit. If a teacher said that, the pupil would be bashful or nonchalant...but if a peer said that...dude,its cool!

That the others would readily offer anything that I've corrected during their solat. The fact that they themselves offered up those comments with less proding from me. That they are kind when doing so....my heart swelled and I thought, "They grew up...they really grew up."

     I felt like a mother...happy I am that they turn out well with good akhlak, more than I am about their academic achievements. When they gave their all in the sports activities...confident and sure. When they themselves berate themselves or their own teacher for any unkind words.

It really is what it is. When you acknowledge someone on a personal level first, it shows in their attitude towards life in general. They believe in themselves more and succeed more. Just a little bit of understanding and stamping on own temper for anything they achieve less that we expected...that small gesture goes a long way. When they are able to confide in us like a peer would and yet still held you with respect...as an elder...as a teacher.

     I'm proud.

They're just Year 2...yet I saw them mature more than their own age.
For more than being a pupil, they themselves grew up as a teacher.

Red Light

Bismillah..

Its nearing the third phase and already I'm nearing panic attack. Lots are happening and seriously...I need to get a grip before I lose myself.

My uncle had just passed away early yesterday. I didn't realize I'd be so affected as I had. Life is like that. Death is like that.

Surah Al-Mulk

...and today..my little one is restless. Very much so.

...and then hearing one of my kids is leaving for UK...before we can have a proper farewell party..

Oof...why does my heart beats so? Erratic, nervous, painful, afraid...

The uncertainty.

That's the name for it.

Guide me, guide us, Ya Hadi. Only You alone knows where our path takes its turn. Khusnul Khatimah...please. lead us to the right path and don't let fitnah comes after it.

- - -

Mind full of whispers

Bismillah...

Entering another phase..maybe its normal to feel so nervous. The questions grow as everything else does..and answers doesn't come as easily. Maybe it'll take longer..who knows.

...and yet..the unease remains. For a mind that is full of whispers is still a mind that paddles forth despite the currents. Refused to be numbed down by the cold icy waters trying to make you forget, trying to freeze you down.

This fire..I"ll continue to hold even if it'll burn me.

because...

Bismillah...

some things takes time to heal

some wounds are reopen

maybe to address the future, you must first uncover what is buried in the past

so, we can start...not exactly a clean slate, yet, it's  a start

'cause...some things just remains so (painful & fresh every time)

it's a comfort, to know that even these pain are familiar

that it's shared, empathized

O Rasulullah SAW, when you shed tears and people are surprised, you said

"because it's love."

it's a human condition...so we 'can' cry...and that it's ok...and that it's alright to feel grief

to feel a heartbeat

I didn't realize it could be so scary

when memories flood, I realized that sooner or later

am gonna have to face it

undoubtedly, we have to try

even when as a human, we felt we're at a limit

I realize that life is a cycle

in which when the sun sets, it'll rise again the 'morrow

try

"because it's love."

- - -

four tiles and a corner

Bismillah...

Perspective is bitter

within this walls where no words can pass through

comfort in the cold hard surface

where warmth leaves you

pushing back these limits

I wonder what am going through

maybe to taste of feelings again

maybe to hold up..

"This one...is my truth."

I need to feel

hurt when i feel hurt

angry when i'm angry

happy when i'm happy

hope when i'm hopeful

to break these walls I've unknowingly built

defense?

*shuts eyes*

it's time to feel again

- - -

for a woman

Bismillah...

When worlds collide..

There's alot...there's alot...

No more words that can be uttered between us

just silent understanding...a slight glance...that we have just entered big crossroads in our lives

"because you're a woman, too."

Yea, we feel down

we can always go back up, right?

that's how tight-fisted and stubborn we are created to be

for good or bad, 'that'...choose

just don't give up W

fight my dear girl

fight

although I'm here weeping, too

- - -

One Word

Bismillah..

just one word

"Healing"

- - -

Sunk

Bismillah..

Things are starting to sink in for me. This book, this chapter.

Suddenly, it took all of my energy and my heart.

This time...

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

I can't even begin to form words before tears overtake me. 

Why am I helpless now? I don't know.

It's one of those trips I wish I can take.

Near 'that' seaside and drinking in the night air, and ask Allah swt..

O Rahman~ What can I do?

I felt dislocated. My limbs give way..and I can't know my own heart anymore. What's on my mind now? I don't know.

I just know that ... I need You.

coz' I don't think I can pull myself up.

and yet You always save me, when I don't think I deserve to be saved.

If I can afford to be selfish now.

Can I ask for support now, too?

- - -

Growth

Bismillah..

I have to live

to see through this

Making the hard decisions doesn't depend on what others think...that's what I thought, at first

because I can get hurt, because I can feel regret

at the same time...is hearing own intuition the right one?

Then, I decided to do as Allah swt had told, to be loyal to the most important people first. Although, it tore me up initially...I'm open. I lay my heart open to accept whatever Allah swt try to teach me. There are many version of truth, when they seem to be in conflict, refer to the basic. Go to Allah swt. In the end, all those truths are not in conflict after all, but rather complimentary, because humans are different, and each approach is different. 

He lets me listen to those voices. He taught me that just truth alone can't carry the weight of the world, or solve it's problems. It's by learning. Don't barge into the forest, headlong and crashed against forest trunks, stumbled upon bushes, entrapped among vines. It's 'knowing' the forest, hearing their voices, knowing by touch of each trunks, each leaves...knowing enough to navigate around it, and turning this world (jungle) into someplace useful. The community is like that, and I can still remember what the professor said. That marriage is the beginning of 'knowing' the society.

To actually spread this hand to another, and another after that, and another...is something I couldn't have foreseen. To be taught this much, to be cared this much. It ain't easy but the journey, through it's pain and tears...it's beautiful, nevertheless. So, I decided to stay no matter what tide barreled through. Alhamdulillah~ He taught me. 

O Allah swt, to be given hikmah, to be shone light through this heart, hard and weary as it is...that You still spread Your benevolence..there's no other words, or apt enough that I can expressed than Alhamdulillah~ For me, to see, how little I am, how selfish I've been, how narrow-sighted, how impatient, how merciless, how thoughtless I am of others...

O Allah swt, I'm Your abid.

... and O Rasulullah SAW, I'm your student.

Allow me to navigate around this world, transient as it, with the rightful haq, appreciating, loving, caring, be mindful of the people around me, the people around the world. Despite how hard the journey is for me to end up 'here' (to this realization), I'm relieved, thankful...very much so.

I have to grow up.

...and growing up, is not bad at all.

it's beautiful....if I hold on to the right words, to kalimah thoyyibah~

- - -

Serious

Bismillah..

"I made my resolution long ago

...and so does the blog post that comes with it

'nuff said."

Considering..this is a very late entry if am about to make an entry on my new year's (2014) resolution. Maybe because 01.01.2014 cease to be a reason to do so...rather...I should begin when and where I started to grow.

Yesterday was my hijrah's birthday, that coincides with Mauladirrasul. If by that date my age is counted, then, I'm officially 28 years old. What cemented my resolutions is probably a reason to do so. For Allah SWT, for Rasulullah SAW. 

My heart was displaced end of last year. As if a hand reached out from me and grab hold of the blood and flesh, squeezed out the excesses, the impurities...until it found a good hold...on who I am, on who I wanted to be. 

Me. 

I finally learn to accept myself once I began to be serious about everything.

Last December:

Like a wind, I stayed. Like a wind, I swayed. I didn't know...why I'm here. I just follow the flow, checking that it's on the right track...but that's it. Like a kite blowing in the wind. Is that enough to live for?

Then, I came through this ayat:

"And whoever strives only strives for [the benefit of] himself. Indeed, Allah is free from need of the worlds."

"Dan barangsiapa yang berjihad, maka sesungguhnya jihadnya itu adalah untuk dirinya sendiri. Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Kaya (tidak memerlukan sesuatu) dari semesta alam."

Al-Ankabut: 6

Then, I knew why I'm here. 

True, Allah swt put me in His path, but deciding whether to stay, to cement these feet in His path...that's up to me. If I know what's good for me, then I have to strive for that. I spent that day till now weeping for those words. I have to question myself, really. really REALLY. Am I serious in my amal?

With reminders of death at every corner. I was involved in an accident. I wasn't hurt at all..but the impact shook my senses thoroughly. When trying to avoid big things, I could've missed the little things that could've barreled through and hit me.

Gah!

So, I can't afford to procrastinate, to be lalai, to be other than thoroughly serious. 

To live this life is to trully LIVE it. Not half-heartedly but with your all.

I'm blessed to have him, my zauj, my half, who shield and protect me when I'm out there hurtling myself into unknown future and consequences. Now I know what Rasulullah SAW felt in regard to his beloved Khadijah r.a. To be protected is an indescribable feeling. For dreams and resolutions to be protected and supported...

It's Allah swt who took hold of me, of our future. 

To be comforted so... I'm thankful~ I'm thankful~ :")

- - -