Growth

Bismillah..

I have to live

to see through this

Making the hard decisions doesn't depend on what others think...that's what I thought, at first

because I can get hurt, because I can feel regret

at the same time...is hearing own intuition the right one?

Then, I decided to do as Allah swt had told, to be loyal to the most important people first. Although, it tore me up initially...I'm open. I lay my heart open to accept whatever Allah swt try to teach me. There are many version of truth, when they seem to be in conflict, refer to the basic. Go to Allah swt. In the end, all those truths are not in conflict after all, but rather complimentary, because humans are different, and each approach is different. 

He lets me listen to those voices. He taught me that just truth alone can't carry the weight of the world, or solve it's problems. It's by learning. Don't barge into the forest, headlong and crashed against forest trunks, stumbled upon bushes, entrapped among vines. It's 'knowing' the forest, hearing their voices, knowing by touch of each trunks, each leaves...knowing enough to navigate around it, and turning this world (jungle) into someplace useful. The community is like that, and I can still remember what the professor said. That marriage is the beginning of 'knowing' the society.

To actually spread this hand to another, and another after that, and another...is something I couldn't have foreseen. To be taught this much, to be cared this much. It ain't easy but the journey, through it's pain and tears...it's beautiful, nevertheless. So, I decided to stay no matter what tide barreled through. Alhamdulillah~ He taught me. 

O Allah swt, to be given hikmah, to be shone light through this heart, hard and weary as it is...that You still spread Your benevolence..there's no other words, or apt enough that I can expressed than Alhamdulillah~ For me, to see, how little I am, how selfish I've been, how narrow-sighted, how impatient, how merciless, how thoughtless I am of others...

O Allah swt, I'm Your abid.

... and O Rasulullah SAW, I'm your student.

Allow me to navigate around this world, transient as it, with the rightful haq, appreciating, loving, caring, be mindful of the people around me, the people around the world. Despite how hard the journey is for me to end up 'here' (to this realization), I'm relieved, thankful...very much so.

I have to grow up.

...and growing up, is not bad at all.

it's beautiful....if I hold on to the right words, to kalimah thoyyibah~

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