Fight

Bismillah...

"... jangan kalah pada mereka."

I don't know what I'm up against. 

An invincible army? One I can see and one I can't?

Do you know how much fear I felt in my gut?

worrying, just worrying...

considering every act as permanent

one thing I know, and what I've just learned

never have I believe that being alone have its consequence

until now

in the past, it might revive me

now I know, in a long turn, it'll be my downfall

so as a newbie who had just learn to be a team-player...help me

for inside of me there's this lingering doubt

if two or more voices are better ...

if I can depend, trust others ...

if I can help anyone ...

I'm pushing myself aside

so please tell me it's ok

that it's ok to believe that there'll be a hand, made of flesh and blood to help me through

for there's a mental war raging

I've only conquered one fortress, there's a lot more

and they are sly and slick (syaitan)

tell me it's ok to push myself harder, without fearing the consequence of another

for I only know this

it's Allah swt redha am looking for

... and sometimes the voice inside tells me that sacrifice is better

to sacrifice time, effort...and often, my own heart
with whom and where I want to be, sometimes, I have to look past that

so I'll always look up, look forward to Him, rather than be dragged, be lied to by dunya

"Dan tiadalah kehidupan dunia ini, selain dari main-main dan senda gurau belaka. Dan sungguh kampung akhirat itu lebih baik bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa. Maka tidakkah kamu memahaminya?" 

Surah Al-An'Am ayat 32

Katakanlah: "jika bapa-bapa, anak-anak, saudara-saudara, isteri-isteri, kaum keluargamu, harta kekayaan yang kamu usahakan, perniagaan yang kamu khawatiri kerugiannya, dan tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai, adalah lebih kamu cintai dari Allah dan Rasul-Nya dan dari berjihad di jalan-Nya, maka tunggulah sampai Allah mendatangkan keputusan-Nya". Dan Allah tidak memberi petunjuk kepada orang-orang yang fasik."

At-Taubah, 9: 24

to be ikhlas ... is to do amal consistently, with gradual upgrades
this ikhlas needs time
this ikhlas needs patience
this ikhlas needs the moment when those sacrifices are just like bit of cookies
the tiredness, the tears ... forgotten
cause the distance forward is still long and I got no time to look at the shadows I've left behind
cause the light infront is brighter, embrace me with open arms

so this choice, is clear, isn't it?
the 'why' I'm fighting for

- - -

Regret and Forgiveness

Bismillah..

Recently, it's a walk on memory lane. Piecing through past events, the words exchanged and uttered, what had been done. Of how does 'that' pieced the present. The Now.

How many years had passed when I left secondary schools, passed through adolescence, learned about love and losses, IPTs...how much had I known then, what I know now? What if I hadn't done this? Had done that? Alhamdulillah, despite had been a lost soul, I've lived a sheltered life...and some 'realities' were protected from me (because of my upbringing, the surrounding environment, my generation). 

I once believed that it doesn't matter, if you do stupid things. Adolescence is like that..you push through extremes to know yourselves better, to test your limits...because one day, you'll reflect upon it, a wiser person. 

But what if you had done something bad, something really really bad?

what if we did something we'll always regret? It seems so insignificant, then. Yet. it continues to haunt our lives...as we grow older and older. We forgive, but can we forget?

Thought about that...if I had wanted to say, 

"Your truth is hurting me." 

How can I be that person who can't accept someone as they are?

How can I not believe in Qada and Qadar, despite how painful or dark that past is written as?

Who am I to judge someone's moral conscience, be it past or present?

There are some things...it's ok that we're not ok about it, but...

"I am not taught to criticize the darkness, I am taught to enlighten it." 

-Yusuf Al-Qadrawi 

If it hurts me this much to know that 'that' past exist, what about those who had darker, deeper ones? How much hurt would it be? How can one survives that?

When Khalid Al-Walid embraced Islam, the sahaba claimed that a moment before, he had hated Khalid the most in the world, yet right then, he became someone he had loved the most in the world. That is ukhuwwah. MasyaAllah~ :")

Though...what about the sinner himself/ herself? Wouldn't it still kill ownself (with regret)?

Earlier, on the ride home, somehow am reminded of Hindun (Abu Sufyan's wife). Both are the biggest enemies of Allah SWT and Rasulullah SAW, and yet both got the 'chance' to embrace Islam in the end. How had Allah swt still love them.

...and I remember this particular scene, when Hindun urged the Musyrikin (when she was a musyrikin herself) to take avenge on the events of Badr'. She lead the army by bringing their wives along in the war and urged them to head forth, lest they go back, they'll be shun and spat upon by their own wives.

Yet, when she became a muslim and she, too, had participate in a war, she uttered the same line, though with a more noble intention. That if the muslimin men had gone back (as a coward), instead of marching forth as Mujahidin, their wives would feel ashamed. How she knows how to stirred the hearts of men into action.

This person, who Rasulullah SAW had once said, that her blood is halal (wanted list) for the atrocities she had done to muslims, yet is still forgiven and what had she done now?

How did she redeem herself and paid for her past deeds? 

same lines and spirit..yet with a vigor with a much more noble intention. Lillahitaala.

MasyaAllah~

One's past are not necessarily bleak. Inside everyone, Allah swt creates our own specialty...and when that specialty is used for the good, with the right niat... replace that bad deeds with the good.

On the authority of Abu Dharr Jundub ibn Junada and Abu Abdul Rahmaan Muaadh ibn Jabal (may Allah be pleased with both of them) from the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) who said, “Fear Allah wherever you are. And follow up a bad deed with a good deed and it will wipe it out. And behave towards the people with a good behaviour.” 

-Al-Tirmidhi

The past exists...

The truth may hurts, but learn the hikmah behind it. What kind of person Hindun is now if she's just a normal obedient woman?
she, who had a very bleak past, hold that sword by the helm and claimed her own destiny, to avenge back her 'own' deeds. To repay back a thousand, million times...to have Allah swt redha, The commitment she holds, stronger than the some of the muslim men of her time...because the thought of her past sins pushed her forth.

"That is because Allah would not change a favor which He had bestowed upon a people until they change what is within themselves. And indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing."
Al-Anfal, 8:53

...and who is she to those who had done the same deeds? 
She's a role model, a good example of those who wanted to repent and redeem themselves. 

That through her life, many learned the word 'hope'.

Despite how bleak and dark it was, there's light. There's always light.

Just waiting for us to recognize it and take it rather than dwell in regret and self-blame.

- - -

Thanks to Tears

Bismillah...

O Allah swt, Thank You! X"D

...however can I express the love I felt right now?

for the nikmat You have given me

the surprises and cares from the angels You've sent to me

Clams dipped in kicap, and now Dim Sum..huhu...

...and the endearing habits and small gestures around the house, at work, the car rides

lights up my world and filled it with so much...

so much kindness

Thank You~

Alhamdulillah~

...my personal angels, Thank You, I love you to pieces! :"D

- - -

Husnudzon

Bismillah...

I should be jealous... instead, I weep inside, for him

of what he had to go through

how can a muslim does that? breaks their pact, be selfish...how can a person who has hidayah  turns their back and returns to jahiliyyah? The answer is simple but the heart, unfortunately, is not (as simple).

Am tempted to text her, 

"my dear piece of my heart, be ready to 'let go'.

putuskan harapanmu pada manusia dan bertautlah pada Allah."

I was disappointed.

"What are you thinking?," he asked me.

"I think this hurts you more than it does me, because he's someone close to you and you've been in the victim's position."

 It's a conflict of forgiveness...of the past and trying to be a threshold for someone's future.

how can a mukmin does that?

earlier, a friend confided in me...about how one turns more to dunya than akhirat

why is that? how is that?

how can a mukmin turns back to jahiliyyah?

she replied about a story she had read, that is quite common to us

about how syaitan, who used to be a very obedient servant of Allah swt, his position raised from the earth to the heaven, respected by malaikat (angels)...yet for one huge flaw, he became disobedient (Surah Al-Baqarah,2: 30 onwards) to Allah swt. If he did that...what about us? 

Are we immune against those flaw?

we don't.

it's possible for those things to happen to ourself (Naudzubillah min dzalik)

before Fathul Mekah (the conquest of Mekah), Rasulullah SAW held a secret meeting with his selected sahaba of his plans to ambush Mekah. A particular sahaba had cold feet, fearing for the lives of his families and friends back in Mekah, and so he sent a messenger. Thankfully, Allah swt enlightened His prophet of this sahaba's deed and riders were dispatched to intercept the messenger. The messenger was caught and indeed, the sahaba's deed in breaking Rasulullah saw's trust was revealed. Sayyidina Umar was red in anger and threathened to kill that sahaba. How could you? How 'COULD' you?? Yet Rasulullah s.a.w calmed Umar r.a down and said, "Don't you know he is ahl' Badr, and ahl' Badr sins are forgiven by Allah swt?" 

O Rasulullah saw, how could you be so calm?

how can a muslim does that?

because we are insan

we are not above committing sins or flaws

"... hate the sin, not the sinner."

if Allah swt could forgive such transvesty, how can we not?

"Hai orang-orang yang beriman, jauhilah kebanyakkan dari prasangka (kecurigaan), karena sebagian dari prasangka itu dosa. Dan janganlah mencari-cari keburukan orang dan janganlah menggunjingkan satu sama lain. Adakah seorang diantara kamu yang suka memakan daging saudaranya yang sudah mati? Maka tentulah kamu merasa jijik kepadanya. Dan bertakwalah kepada Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah Maha Penerima Taubat lagi Maha Penyayang" 

Al-Hujuraat 49:12

his/her deeds are his/her deeds, and our deeds are ours

let them with what they've done, but don't let us sinned too by thinking bad thoughts and voicing it out, possibly creating fitnah and spreading aib of others

I leave you to Allah swt

Your hak is to be advised, and my hak is to advise, in any ways that are best understood and followed. My own dear sahaba, May Allah swt lead you to the right path.

- - -

Hikmah

Bismillah...

"... just be yourself."

'twas a trying week

trying and trying to accommodate self to different roles and responsibilities, trying to be 'there' for everybody. Afraid I'd fail in my carelessness or ignorance that would invite Allah's displeasure of me. So, when he texted me that message whilst I was rushing home just to be 'there', beside myself with worry...

O Zauj, how did you know? How did you know 'those' were the exact words I needed to hear? To calm self and just 'be'.

who am I?

a wife. a daughter. a daughter-in-law. a sister. a sister-in-law. a teacher.

there's a bit of drama in my in-laws house last week. How my eight-year-old sister-in-law is quite stuck to me. hero-worship? or just seeking for a role model? I don't know.

who is she to me?

an innocent pure young heart, who seeks Allah swt. Who would lit up at my presence with a telekong in hand, eventhough its's not dzuhur yet, just so she could pray in Jemaah. sometimes...most times, I felt she's better than me. ^^"

 Yet, I'm a teacher at heart. Am actually quite strict with her....at one point, I question my influence on her. whether its a good thing or not. because my in-laws are quite wonder-struck at these sudden bond....and quite frankly, so am I. Trained her with self-sufficiency, because I know my own kids (KG), so I treated her the same. Be self-sufficient and do something good for others. Do good deeds lillahi taala, not just because someone else are doing it.

...but there's where my patience are also tested. I can't quite stand when kids didn't finish their food on their plate. My own childhood was filled with tears about that subject, so am quite sensitive about it. *sob* I did what I could, advice, decreasing the amount of food on her plate, etc...just so she could finish it. That one day, she didn't. It's quite ridiculous when I think about it. Why do I insist on teaching her this one etique? Why was I sulking? *laugh*

Twas hard for me to accompany her when she wants to be with me. I was really disappointed. The concept of wasting, not being thankful, ignorant of the effort of others to prepare that food...how am I suppose to teach her these things? They see her a s a child and is permissible to do such thing. No, you are a human being, a muslim, who needs to know the rights and wrongs in this world.

I didn't want to be angry with her, but its hard...I don't trust myself to speak, lest my anger seeps out. Its ridiculous and I know it, but I felt a wrong here and its something I shouldn't leave it as it is. So how? I kept quiet and avoided her. When I saw her finished her food the next day, my temper was sated. That night, I allowed her to pray Isya with me, and after solat, I explained. Why I prayed dhuha on my own, and didn't called out for her eventhough she 'waited'? What's the point of asking for rezeki when you're not thankful for it? Why does she prayed dhuha anyway? Because of me or Allah swt? If she insisted on throwing food away, I refused to pray 'with' her.

How cute is that? I can threat her with prayer? O Allah, it's funny and a blessing in itself...MasyaAllah, this child is very pure.

she was silent, but in my heart, I knew she understood. That night, she managed herself well, even as far as to clean up after herself. My in-laws, my zauj and me were staring at her back in wonder as she cleaned the dishes on her 'own' will.

Bless, O Allah swt~ Bless~ :"D

May she istiqomah in seeking Your redha~

Aamiin~

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