Growth

Bismillah..

I have to live

to see through this

Making the hard decisions doesn't depend on what others think...that's what I thought, at first

because I can get hurt, because I can feel regret

at the same time...is hearing own intuition the right one?

Then, I decided to do as Allah swt had told, to be loyal to the most important people first. Although, it tore me up initially...I'm open. I lay my heart open to accept whatever Allah swt try to teach me. There are many version of truth, when they seem to be in conflict, refer to the basic. Go to Allah swt. In the end, all those truths are not in conflict after all, but rather complimentary, because humans are different, and each approach is different. 

He lets me listen to those voices. He taught me that just truth alone can't carry the weight of the world, or solve it's problems. It's by learning. Don't barge into the forest, headlong and crashed against forest trunks, stumbled upon bushes, entrapped among vines. It's 'knowing' the forest, hearing their voices, knowing by touch of each trunks, each leaves...knowing enough to navigate around it, and turning this world (jungle) into someplace useful. The community is like that, and I can still remember what the professor said. That marriage is the beginning of 'knowing' the society.

To actually spread this hand to another, and another after that, and another...is something I couldn't have foreseen. To be taught this much, to be cared this much. It ain't easy but the journey, through it's pain and tears...it's beautiful, nevertheless. So, I decided to stay no matter what tide barreled through. Alhamdulillah~ He taught me. 

O Allah swt, to be given hikmah, to be shone light through this heart, hard and weary as it is...that You still spread Your benevolence..there's no other words, or apt enough that I can expressed than Alhamdulillah~ For me, to see, how little I am, how selfish I've been, how narrow-sighted, how impatient, how merciless, how thoughtless I am of others...

O Allah swt, I'm Your abid.

... and O Rasulullah SAW, I'm your student.

Allow me to navigate around this world, transient as it, with the rightful haq, appreciating, loving, caring, be mindful of the people around me, the people around the world. Despite how hard the journey is for me to end up 'here' (to this realization), I'm relieved, thankful...very much so.

I have to grow up.

...and growing up, is not bad at all.

it's beautiful....if I hold on to the right words, to kalimah thoyyibah~

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Serious

Bismillah..

"I made my resolution long ago

...and so does the blog post that comes with it

'nuff said."

Considering..this is a very late entry if am about to make an entry on my new year's (2014) resolution. Maybe because 01.01.2014 cease to be a reason to do so...rather...I should begin when and where I started to grow.

Yesterday was my hijrah's birthday, that coincides with Mauladirrasul. If by that date my age is counted, then, I'm officially 28 years old. What cemented my resolutions is probably a reason to do so. For Allah SWT, for Rasulullah SAW. 

My heart was displaced end of last year. As if a hand reached out from me and grab hold of the blood and flesh, squeezed out the excesses, the impurities...until it found a good hold...on who I am, on who I wanted to be. 

Me. 

I finally learn to accept myself once I began to be serious about everything.

Last December:

Like a wind, I stayed. Like a wind, I swayed. I didn't know...why I'm here. I just follow the flow, checking that it's on the right track...but that's it. Like a kite blowing in the wind. Is that enough to live for?

Then, I came through this ayat:

"And whoever strives only strives for [the benefit of] himself. Indeed, Allah is free from need of the worlds."

"Dan barangsiapa yang berjihad, maka sesungguhnya jihadnya itu adalah untuk dirinya sendiri. Sesungguhnya Allah benar-benar Maha Kaya (tidak memerlukan sesuatu) dari semesta alam."

Al-Ankabut: 6

Then, I knew why I'm here. 

True, Allah swt put me in His path, but deciding whether to stay, to cement these feet in His path...that's up to me. If I know what's good for me, then I have to strive for that. I spent that day till now weeping for those words. I have to question myself, really. really REALLY. Am I serious in my amal?

With reminders of death at every corner. I was involved in an accident. I wasn't hurt at all..but the impact shook my senses thoroughly. When trying to avoid big things, I could've missed the little things that could've barreled through and hit me.

Gah!

So, I can't afford to procrastinate, to be lalai, to be other than thoroughly serious. 

To live this life is to trully LIVE it. Not half-heartedly but with your all.

I'm blessed to have him, my zauj, my half, who shield and protect me when I'm out there hurtling myself into unknown future and consequences. Now I know what Rasulullah SAW felt in regard to his beloved Khadijah r.a. To be protected is an indescribable feeling. For dreams and resolutions to be protected and supported...

It's Allah swt who took hold of me, of our future. 

To be comforted so... I'm thankful~ I'm thankful~ :")

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