Bismillah...
"uhibbuka fillah..."
(I love you (him) because of Allah swt)
an overdue post?
I've contemplate about it since 25th January, should I write about our akad nikah, wedding ceremonies and all? Yes, to answer any question about my present status, I got married.
Unconventional in a lot of ways, how Allah swt destined it, prepared it...for these two strangers. Unconventional because it's not a union out of love, for me at least, it's lillahi taala. Because when the proposal came, it's istikharah, istikharah, istikharah. I can't decide for my own...I don't know him that well. Will we be compatible, etc? Should I start dating to know him? what?? No! I end up like this exactly to avoid that (coupling)!!
So how...how do I know?
I don't.
I know the past, but do I know the present?
I don't.
...and I didn't ask...why me?, until 'after' marriage.
didn't ask because I don't want us to 'be' because his feelings for me, or if I'll have those feeling for him
untainted...how do I want to keep our feelings untainted until nikah day?
so...I didn't ask the person...instead, I asked Allah swt
I asked and He answered
I asked and He answered
words would be tied to Allah swt
all the way, it's what I fervently asked for, up until our walimah, O Allah swt, Your redha?
O Allah swt, where's Your redha in this?
The first week, twas not love yet...rather genuine respect
for instead of words of love, it's dzikir
it's the reminder of Allah swt in almost every turn
this hadith, this doa
O Zauj, you do the strangest, yet most endearing things
O Zauj, you brought me along for Subuh prayer in Kota Kinabalu's mosque
You brought me to Kundasang (in the mountain), to have duha prayer
in that moment, surrounded by white clouds
the remains of ablution from the sharp yet refreshing cold water of the mountains
serenity
Your Redha...finally, O Allah swt, I can finally name it
Your redha...it's here, and washes over us.
Love comes in the most frightening form
in the book store, my ex-independent self have to search for your shadows
O Allah swt, I'm a wife now...so I have to look for you, O Zauj
suddenly, my feet wanted to bolt out
Is this real? that I'm allowed to look at a man now? That I could love this person that is already my husband?
O Allah swt, all my (single) life, if I had liked someone I had to invent a million reasons why it can't be...he had warts, smelly, whatever ridiculous reasons I could think of to repel him
yet, this time, I'm suppose to stamp my ground and be there, although rather warily
I feared what I couldn't name
what is that feeling? I didn't understand it
my brain says stay here, but my whole self wants to bolt out
are you crazy woman, get back here!
it's a phase..a moment that passed away as if it never happened
almost a week passed
on the first day of work, suddenly alone, only were I able to think for myself
O Allah swt, I can finally name it but I feared it
it's a serious matter yet laughable, too
my pre-wedding preparations were also knowledge about polygamy *twacks head*
I'm starting to love, but my first thought when I realized it, I remembered what I've read about polygamy
what kind of test is this?
I'm jealous like crazy, and there hasn't been any candidates to be jealous about
read Qur'an after that, and came across Surah At-Tahrim
"Hai Nabi, mengapa kamu mengharamkan apa yang Allah halalkan bagimu; kamu mencari kesenangan hati isteri-isterimu? Dan Allah Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang"
At-Tahrim, 66:1
*another twack on head*
so how? what should I do?
why should I love? what use is it?
where does it come from?
there's a hadith I've read recently...about how our intentions should be purely because of Allah swt
if we say, this is for Allah, this is for him/her...there's no such thing. That intention would go to that person 100%, not Allah swt.
so I decided to love Allah swt instead of you, O Zauj
I don't care of human's love, sweet words, or lavish gifts...I didn't understand it
yet, the sweetest thing happened
what is that feeling?
as if Allah swt passed me a letter
"what letter is it, O Allah?"
"It's your Zauj's love letter."
His feelings for Allah swt, He knows...and his feelings for me, He knows...and He passed it on.
I cried, relieved
if it's from You, O Allah swt, I believe in it
how do I know if human words are real?
I don't
but if You say it's true, then I'll believe it :")
So I'll give my whole heart to You, O Allah swt
and if it's halal for me to love him, too... then, can You pass this letter to him, too?
I apologize for the cheesiness of this post
if anyone developed allergic reactions about it, I quite understand it
yet, it'a a reminder...maybe to my future self, too
search not of human's love
rather, go back to Allah swt with your heart
and He would hold another's heart
put Allah swt first
then, he might pass that letter to you, too
- - -
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