ruang

Bismillah...

ku fikir jarak ini akan melepasi lautan Atlantik, benua Afrika.

kurasa akan jauh mengenal generasi mereka.

kamu dengan duniamu, aku dengan duniaku?

owh...ini salah. sepatutnya mendekati, kan..

soalannya...bagaimana?

dan apabila membaca tinta mereka...ya, aku kenal ini.

aku kenal peribadi-peribadi ini.

kata-katanya, sifat-sifatnya, karakter-karakternya

setiap orang memang berbeza peribadinya

walhal itulah kelebihan yang Allah swt ciptakan dalam setiap hati manusia

setiap orang berbeza, kekuatan dan kelemahan

tabiat, kesukaan, kebencian

kenapa?

itulah makna dalam masam manis kehidupan

mungkin kerana daku ingin mencari kekuatan

ya, tenagaku juga masih bersifat manusiawi

akal ini insani (pelupa)

menadah tangan, memegang beban mesti letih kan?

jika secara fizikalnya boleh tahan, kenapa tidak emosi dan harapan?

ku ingin jadi mereka...

dialog 2 sahabat:

seorang sahabat (A) ingin sembahyang, dan meminta air wudhu dari si B

Si B menuangkan sedikit air untuk memenuhi tangan si A, lalu tidur

hampir fajar sadiq, ia terbangun

terkejut apabila melihat si A masih tetap ditempat duduknya, air ditangannya tidak berkurangan sedikitpun

tersentak si A apabila ditanya, "apahal kawan?"

"tahukah kamu, sejak kamu meletakkan air ditanganku sehingga saat ini, aku terfikir, terbayang bagaimana itu dunia akhirat."

sehingga lupa

sehingga jasad pun lupa untuk letih

di mana sepatutnya ku letak harapanku?

Ya, pada Allah swt

walaupun hati resah memikirkan batas kemampuanku

kemampuan Allah swt lebih besar, menolong diri menadah apasaja yang diletakkan atas tangan ini

Ya Allah swt

hanya Kau yang tahu batas kemampuanku

ku sangka ini batasku, tetapi Kau kerap memberi lebih dan lebih lagi

sehingga diri pun berfikir, ya, sebenarnya diri ini mampu, masih mampu lagi

titiplah kesabaran padaku, Ya Rabb

agar diri sentiasa benar-benar pasti dan berserah akan ketentuanMu

kerana hanya Kau yang benar-benar kenal diriku

- - -

Speech bubbles

Bismillah..

Briefly went to Tamu Kianggeh earlier today, and somehow the buzz have yet to cease. Which words are my own, I wonder?

"... felt like posting kuih cincin to them, maybe next week."

"... need to be as an equal, not as a babysitter."

"... how do you choose? which one is right? 

This career path I didn't know which one to take. Maybe I should try Istikharah."

"... one... two... three... this should be enough."

"... so alike with Rasulullah SAW, his life. So confident was he of the right and wrong, and usually he would step forward in everything, but the few times he falters, it was his wife who stood strong, convincing him of the right."

 "... the 'thought' of walking a few miles and already a white flag? sometimes, I wonder if they're even men. Manja!"

"... they haven't lived our lives. They haven't experience the heat, the broken-down, the pain we went through. Comfort-zone, yes. Sometimes downright unbelievable, yes. But understanding is the essence of acceptance and endurance..and sometimes, its the privilege of pulling the rug from underneath their feet so they'd feel the cold, hard floor. Taste reality and wake up!"

"... undefined by gender, or physical limitations, it's the soul. (Equal in the eyes of Allah swt)"

"... the mind creates he/ she should've... the heart convinces, I can and persevere."

- - -

Anakku

Bismillah...

"Didiklah anakmu sesuai dengan zamannya." 

- Sayyidina Ali bin Abi Talib 

Apabila tersilap langkah, hati mana yang tidak tersayat? 

Apabila tangan yang membentuk, tiba-tiba ditepis kasar, kerana terlalu kuat, terlalu memaksa bagi yang dibentuk. Hati ibu mana yang terasa, hati ayah? Hanya kerana terlupa...rasa bagaimana itu remaja?

Umur 25 tahun...dan 'baru' tahu apa rasanya melihat situasi ini dengan kacamata ibubapa. 

Ya, Remaja. Memberi yang terbaik dalam segala bidang, fasa pencarian, fasa mengenal diri sendiri, fasa menolak diri sehingga batas mana yang ia mampu...sampai kadang-kadang tidak tahu kearah mana ia tuju, atau apabila tahu, kurang fasih membahasakannya.

Ya, Ibubapa. Sarat dengan pengalaman sehingga lupa, apa rasanya itu remaja. Apa rasanya bermula dari tapak, tapak diri sendiri, bukan tapak orang lain. Lupa sehingga apabila cuba membentuk, malangnya telah melukakan, walaupun dengan tidak sengaja. Tandanya ada...dari diamnya mulut, dari bahasa tubuh (mengelak, dll)..tapi saat itu, tidak faham, kerana menganggap semua masaalah itu adalah apa yang diutarakan...sehingga terlewat. Sehingga terlewat memeluk anak yang terluka. :"(

Ya Allah swt, Kaulah yang mengajar...bahawa dalam pahit itu, ada madunya. Jika ini pahit...aku memohon, aku mengharap, madunya ada...ubatnya ada...bukan untuk diri ini, tapi untuk anakku.

Jagalah dia kerana tangan ini tidak berupaya mendekatinya. 

Aku yakin dengan janjiMu, Ya Allah swt.

Urusannya ku hadap padaMu, keyakinannya ku mohon padaMu.

Maka jagalah ia...walau berapa lama ia mencari dirinya. Ya, ia akan sakit, akan terluka dalam pencariannya...tetapi sebagaimana Kau ciptakan luka pada badan, dan Kau juga ciptakan badan untuk menutup luka dengan sendirinya, urusan hati hambaMu Kau lebih mengetahui.

...dan ibubapa, tidak akan putus mendoakannya.

Ya, walau dari jauh...itu tanda kasih sayangnya.

- - -

Tuhan Maha Cinta

Nidji - Tuhan Maha Cinta

OST "Sang Pencerah"

Tahukah Tuhanmu selalu hidup di dalam hatimu

Cinta dariNya menjawab semua masalahmu

Dia mendengar melihat dan selalu berfirman

Perangi neraka di dalam hatimu 

Damaikan jiwamu dengan cinta Dia

Memberi yang ikhlas kepada yang butuh

Bersyukurlah terus tanpa kenal waktu

Serukan, ikhlaskan, pasrahkanlah hanya kepadaNya

CintaNya adalah jawabanNya karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Tahukah Tuhanmu selalu hidup di dalam hatimu

Cinta dariNya menjawab semua masalahmu

Dia mendengar melihat dan selalu berfirman

Perangi neraka di dalam hatimu 

Damaikan jiwamu dengan cinta Dia

Memberi yang ikhlas kepada yang butuh

Bersyukurlah terus tanpa kenal waktu

Serukan, ikhlaskan, pasrahkanlah hanya kepadaNya

CintaNya adalah jawabanNya karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

Karena Tuhanlah Maha Cinta

- - -

O Allah,
Verily, there's no competition to Your love
in magnitude, in compassion, in hikmah
for I found myself truly bewildered
happy, relieved, thankful at how deep Your love can be
because You return what is lost
You assure when we doubt
You forgive when we regret our sins
You give the solution even through the unspoken
always in the heart of every person, every living being

I remembered the tempest
I also remembered the calm
because my teacher, who guide this heart
even when stepping unto a boat, about to sail to uncharted waters
that hold this soul, head and heart
is You

I remembered 
that although this feet stands on the ground now
to always remember to protect this nikmat well
as a sign of those who is knowledgeable and those who are thankful

- - -

Growing up

Bismillah...

"What do I want to be when I grow up?"

"I know what I don't want to be...you."

Thinking about it...those words are harsh...yet many spent their adolescent, even up to adulthood thinking that. Mitch Albott narrates in his 'five people you meet in heaven book', how one fights with childhood, how he thought parents are being cruel, inattentive, robs youth of dreams and hope.

It's harsh and unfair.

Yet, why does it rings true?

such as cruel things. it wasn't suppose to happen...yet, it happen. Just as there ARE parents who abandon, abuse or neglect their children.

...but in normal cases...

they're human

serious flaws as they age up, and so would we, actually...when it's our time

what's unforgivable, we might understand as we grow older

but right now...

injustice, frustrations vented out on kids

I mean the mild emotions ones

O loves (sons and daughters), have patience

you might know more

you might know less

even if its unfair, be silent and deliberate before speaking or choosing not to

cry if you must

Allah swt loves you better when you persevere and be patient

don't want to grow up to be like them (act like them)?

then, don't

be better, and forgive them

the way you'd hope your kids would forgive you when 'you' make mistakes, intentional or not

- - -

Moving Week

Bismillah...

A wee bit hectic this week,

work keeps on piling up, one after another

report-writing, furniture-moving, book-hunting

it's december, and I don't think I'll get any closure anytime soon

kept telling myself that it's a phase

a new life in every direction: family, work

wishes upon wishes

expectations upon expectations

hopes upon hopes

it's been nagging

a feeling that stings, like iron rust, a misplaced violin chord

a sweet pain named melancholy

when there's something in life you missed

and kept looking at your back 

trying to catch a glimpse of it

maybe because I haven't had a proper goodbye to them

to B, to my lovely twins

like a scratch on a mirror

as if trying to find a balm to smooth that surface

"part of it (love) ... is also letting go."

because I missed them :"(

what kind of person cries everytime she sees her six-years-olds graduate?

when seeing two green money packets?

Afwan my loves, this silly teachers of yours is also a child at heart

thank you for still believing in me and love me unconditionally

regardless of all of those flaws and faults

thank you for your sweetness and loveliness that has been matchless, up till now

yes, am letting go

yet, it doesn't mean the air is less cheery, less vacant from your presence

  

Gah! *face-palm*

right now am hopeless

no matter what

it's still du'a

I want to see you girls again

and hopefully, that essence would still be part of your character

- - -

Ground

Bismillah...

"... ain't kidding from where I'm standing (or sitting)."

This surface is real

Connected, even if only in essence

People and places shift, but not thy footsteps

"Indeed, Allah has purchased from the believers their lives and their properties [in exchange] for that they will have Paradise. They fight in the cause of Allah , so they kill and are killed. [It is] a true promise [binding] upon Him in the Torah and the Gospel and the Qur'an. And who is truer to his covenant than Allah ? So rejoice in your transaction which you have contracted. And it is that which is the great attainment.

[Such believers are] the repentant, the worshippers, the praisers [of Allah ], the travelers [for His cause], those who bow and prostrate [in prayer], those who enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, and those who observe the limits [set by] Allah . And give good tidings to the believers." 
At-Taubah,9: 111- 112

"It is He who made the earth tame for you - so walk among its slopes and eat of His provision - and to Him is the resurrection."
Al-Mulk, 67: 15



O traveller,
La Tahzan, place your life and wealth to Allah swt
start your journey with pure intention, solely for Allah swt
whether you may be taught a lesson from it
or  found ways to know His attributes (Asmaul Husna)
or ways to gain His redha

don't stay
except to reflect
then go, spread to the ends of the earth
you may find your guide in the unlikeliest of form

- - -

Doa

Bismillah..

Allah SWT berfirman:

"Dan Tuhanmu telah memerintahkan supaya kamu jangan menyembah selain Dia & hendaklah kamu berbuat baik pada ibu bapamu dengan sebaik-baiknya. Jika salah seorang di antara keduanya atau kedua-duanya sampai berumur lanjutan dalam pemeliharaanmu, maka sekali-kali janganlah kamu mengatakan kepada keduanya perkataan “ah” & janganlah kamu membentak mereka & ucapkanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang mulia."

(Al-Israa', 17: 23)

Allah SWT berfirman:

"Katakanlah (Muhammad):

“Marilah aku bacakan apa yang diharamkan Tuhan kepadamu:

Janganlah kamu mempersekutukan-Nya dengan apa pun,

berbuat baiklah terhadap kedua orang ibu bapa,

janganlah kamu membunuh anak-anakmu kerana miskin.."

(Al-An'am, 6: 151)

- - -

"bersabarlah atas apa yang menimpamu..tegakkan agama dalam hati dan berlakulah ihsan terhadap kedua ibubapa mu." - cermin

- - -

La Taghdab

Bismillah..

Abu Hurairah, radiyallahu 'anhu, reported that a man said to the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam:

"Advise me! "The Prophet said, "Do not become angry and furious." The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, "Do not become angry and furious."

[Al-Bukhari; Vol. 8 No. 137]

- - -

Matter of thought

Bismillah...

"...right now...I only have Allah swt."

like a painted canvas, trying to figure out the message it tries to give, the colors used, the technique, the beauty..

right now might be a hectic mess, emotional more than the physical exhaustion

O Allah swt, You told me to be patient

You told me to remain quiet in the fight of words, 

and in that silence, work through solution to that problem

"And He gives you of all that you ask Him; and if you count Allah's favors, you will not be able to number them; most surely man is very unjust, very ungrateful." 

Ibrahim, 14:34

- - -

Time

Bismillah...

"am happy"

met my bestfriend today :"D

- - -

initially, intended to write about M's wedding ceremony earlier today - about the impromptu Form 6 reunion, about the whirlwind of happenings, birth, marriage, conversions, etc...

yet my head can only wrap itself around that one thought

"I met my bestfriend today"

Truthfully, over the clouds about it

it's M's day...yet somehow, literally, we are the only one left in that hall section

chatting away of all those years, when her  9-year-old self first inspired me to 'care' how a glass door should fit into its frame...about the present, our friends and our wacky jobs, our futures

just to be able to walk side-by-side

all those years

...in realizing just how precious and valuable those times are

Alhamdulillah~ :")

- - -

what grows

Bismillah..

"..i never knew"

- - -

kindness in a palm

Bismillah...

"...am a cruel teacher, I admit that, and yet they're still adamant with their own little ways."

There's a new routine my twin kids recently developed. It started this week, right after Eidul Adha. The first day, was a colored-in card (it's paper torn from an exercise book). 

Their gesture made me laugh. I used to do the same thing to my favourite teacher in elementary school (garfield sticky paper, drawings, etc). 

The second day, it's a Hari Raya money envelope. 

My eyes rounded, uh-oh, did I forgot if I asked their parents to pay for something? Photos? Stationary?

N-uh, for me?

Why?

Last self-conclusion, must've been the Hari Raya thing. O-kay~~

Third day, the sister hold another envelope shyly. 

o-kay~~

"sweet jua durang ani...tapi...duit ani dri mana exactly?"

Fourth day, a plastic butterfly.

o-kay~~ no matter how sweet that is..I seriously started to worry about their brother's and mother's belonging. My loves are known to bring whatever they can have their hands on.

so, I replied their little affections with my own cruel grown-up ways

give it to your mum, that's better

they were a bit downcast, yes

but I'd rather have them salaam me everyday rather than give me these little gifts

kindness is already at the palm of your hand

and I've received and cherished it almost everyday.

that's enough.

...and I got an early birthday gift from a store yesterday. Serious, it's my first time as a customer there. 
saw my juniors at the exhibition. it's been a long time. saw someone I've prayed for a long time to come home, and there he is, finally.

So overall, it's a great day. One wrapped in a big bow.
Thank You, Allah swt~ for this gift.

- - -

Eidul Adha

Bismillah...

"Their meat will not reach Allah , nor will their blood, but what reaches Him is piety from you. Thus have We subjected them to you that you may glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and give good tidings to the doers of good."

Al-Hajj,22:37


“Dari Aisyah r.a. katanya; Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda: “Tiada amalan anak Adam pada hari Aidil Adha yang disukai Allah selain daripada menyembelih korban. Korban-korban itu akan datang kepada orang yang melakukannya pada hari kiamat seperti keadaan semula, iaitu dengan anggotanya, tulangnya, tanduknya dan bulunya. Darah korban itu lebih dahulu jatuh ke suatu tempat yang disediakan Tuhan sebelum jatuh ke atas tanah. Oleh sebab itu, berkorbanlah dengan senang hati”.

(at-Tirmidzi dan Ibnu Majah)

- - -

"..a certain kind of sadness"

untapped waters

underneath..cold and dark

it's unsolved

somehow...time kept being pulled from beneath us

fate wouldn't let it

and these dangerous waters kept piling up

what's it for, O Allah swt?

so that when the glass breaks, we'd know?

what we really are?

how bonds can unite and break?

how strong would you hold unto them?

how strong would oneself hold unto Allah?

when dunya is taken from us

it's ok

Prophets Ismail a.s and Ibrahim a.s (pbuh) love for Allah swt

extends beyond their own blood-relationship

extends beyond what future may brings it

extends what whispers aimed to stray oneself from the straight path

that kind of submission

full and wholeheartedly

so that when that sacrifice is made

You exchange Prophet Ismail a.s (pbuh) with a ram

as a reward for those who do good deeds

what intention have I when that flesh and blood passed through these fingers?

that it'd be treated as any ordinary day, any ordinary meat?

no.

this to remind us

how Tauhid is being raised above anything else

when one does have that kind of position in his/her heart

to admit and fully accept the power that govern his/her life

even if threatens to take one closest to you

to choose Allah swt, nevertheless...

just when I thought the decision is being taken from me

it's Yours, O Allah swt

it has always been Yours for the taking

"Hearts in the hand of another heart and in God's hand are all hearts"

- - -

Unbeaten

Bismillah..

a tractor pulled through and swept the debris away

what's left is its own track lines

patterned against the puffy dried soil

a hand patted the earth

small as a child's

indeed a child, she is, yet her eyes speak otherwise

physically forced away from home

now returning, all that's left are these dust

reality lost, memories remains

a loud snap shattered the brief moment of silence

a pair of boots led to a pair of sympathetic eyes and forced smile

internal war waging, beaten by a momentary shutter

acceptance

eyes now opened, the hand beckoned

"Let's go home."

"Where's home, 'yah?"

"here."

"It's still here, anakku."

- - -

"...to my brothers and sisters around the world

who are rebuilding their lives

the past exist, no matter how they're wiped clean

the land remembers of their origin

it's what kind of future are being rebuilt from it."

"Indeed He grows from a black burnt soil,

from a destitute land

for such things are easy for Him.

Do they not reflect on the state of hearts?

(from asleep/ dead hearts to full awareness)"

- - -

aligned

Bismillah..

Song: Sami Yusuf - Wherever you are

"...when words of mouth and heart are the same

that's amanah."

- - -


This one is for my late uncle.
who passed away whilst I was in the first year of form 6 (pre-university)

as of lately...
somehow he's always there, 
that fleeting memory of him, as clear as yesterday, as benevolent as a dream.
his rocking chair (where they found him)
of the unfinished kitchen tile (which his son finished during his mother's grief)
but mostly, the living, breathing evidence of him.

his family would have their daily Maghrib prayer together
have saum (puasa) to the best of their own ability
their kindness and polite ways
simple and humble as their father

a thoroughly ordinary man
but am continually amazed of how his qudwah shown through from this small of a roof
an aura flowing, always, as if he never left

This kind man..

"I missed you, Paci W. 
I hope you're among the solihin."

- - -

The wise

Bismillah...

"why wouldn't you loan a car?"
"because its seven years with interest.
..and because I don't know what'll happen to me tomorrow."

Sayyidina Umar r.a says: "I was one among ten people who came into the presence of Rasulullah SAW (pbuh). One Ansari stood up and asked Nabi SAW): 

"Who is the most intelligent and careful person?" 

Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam replied: "Those people who remember death most and prepare for it most. These are people who have excelled in the nobility of this world and the honor of the hereafter." 

- - -

"why would you watch those korean variety shows (up to the point of obsession)?"
"because it's fun, simple genuine humour, because of the great ideas for games...but actually, mostly because it's entertaining."
"so you do know, despite the benefits, it's actually a waste of time...just like manga, games, etc?"
"yeah" don't be a spoilsport, will ya'. I'm trying to cool myself of.

“A wise person is one who guards and restrains himself from that which is harmful and strives for that which will benefit him after death. 

The foolish one is he who gives into his cravings and seeks from Allah the fulfillment of his futile desires.” (Riwayat Imam At-Tirmidzi)

Entertainment, if mild and within syara' is acceptable...but not when that entertainment takes up your heart..in your favor, in speech, in action, in your akhlak

don't be fooled, my brothers and sisters

because if you follow a people's lifestyle, you'll become that very people you adore (and worship)

where's the lifestyle of Rasulullah SAW and sahaba you used to follow?

what's the use of those games, if the intention was to just spend time playing?

what's the use of 'studying' culture, just to become like them, to favour their 'styles' and way of living?

am not condemning

cause I've been in those shoes

just..ask your heart..what's your state of iman?

does it increase or decrease?

does muhasabah (self-reflection/ self-assessment) even matter to you anymore?

"judge our own end, by what we're doing at present."

be wise..O brothers and sisters

"Has the time not come for those who have believed that their hearts should become humbly submissive at the remembrance of Allah and what has come down of the truth? .."

- Al-Hadid, 57:16

http://sakuraiteruyo.blogspot.com/2010/12/kisah-ketua-penyamun-menjadi-wali-allah.html
am ashamed of myself
because he was better than me
because despite his sins, his akhlak is admirable
his faith towards Allah swt
so that verse..thank you, O brother of mine~ :"(
I understood, finally
don't play around with faith if you're a person of thought

- - -

why not?

Bismillah...

a positive negative question

"why not?"

..as if to dare someone to say otherwise

"why not?"

"cause life is about that one possibility."

begin with the end in mind

when you look so much forward to it

you'll feel a deep regret even at the thought of losing it

missing it the entire time

the heart's fervent wish

then that life is for that destination

not to be distracted by the little toys of this world

a real dream

I know am not worthy of it, yet I couldn't bear having the alternative

coz' Jannah is Your gift

a true reward

...and a true reward goes to a true person

3 signs of a complete iman are:

1. Someone who is fair to him/herself

2. To give provisions for others even in times of own poverty

3. To easily give salaam to a Mukmin/ Solihin

there's a lot of reasons why ownself is far from ever getting that

but...one possibility

Ya Rahman~ Ya Rahim~

so.. "why not?"

"strive on..till it's decided by You, O Allah swt"

- - -