Syaitan

Bismillah..

How bad this feeling. ='(

i did an awful thing.

I scolded my students, not by being strict. Angry..with capital A.

If truth be told, the issue in which they received my blow was.. rather mudane.

Ya Allah,sungguh there's a fine line dalam memarahi. 

i just..learned it today. ='(

what happened was..i was exhausted. Six periods straight, no breaks. Each class, I was really disappointed, because my aim was not met, that they haven't learned what they should have. That I've only just learned that the old kids haven't learned the fundamental basics. New kids surpasses them. How is it that their eyes becomes vacant? I expect more from them (old kids)..

i was..sore.

The first class, there's a little boy..he's 'sensitve', if you understand. At that moment, when i recall 'how' he is, there comes a whisper..urging me to challenge him. I get angry on purpose. Somehow, it carries to the next period and the next, and the next. I tried to gain back my bearings, but as I said..no breaks, and i was hurled into something too soon, too fast, too noisy.

The last class, I was...aware i became ballistic. I 'need' one thing to go right..and they screw up. Once. It's nothing to be furious about.

Yet, exasperation wins, and ...

I'm sorry, M. I'm sorry. *heartbreaks*

 I have no excuse for what I did.

I..let my anger flows.

When his parents called..common teacher excuses passed through my head. common traditional-style-education-i've-had-it-worse-in-my-days were all there.

Then, I realized what they are. Denial defensive excuses. Infact, weak excuses that meant nothing to those parents..to me.

I'm forced to confront who I DO NOT want to be and yet, that's exactly what I DID..

 I was between my ego and truth.

I choose truth, so I opened the Qur'an, expecting verses such as "La taghdob (Jangan marah)", instead..

"Dan (dikatakan kepada org2 kafir), "Berpisahlah  kamu (dari org-org mukmin) pada hari ini, wahai org2 yg berdosa!

Bukankah Aku telah memerintahkan kepadamu wahai anak cucu Adam agar kamu tidak menyembah setan? Sungguh, setan itu musuh yang nyata bagi kamu,

dan hendaklah kamu menyembah-Ku. Inilah jalan yang lurus."

Dan sungguh, ia (setan itu) telah menyesatkan sebagian besar di antara kamu. Maka apakah kamu mengerti?

inilah (neraka) Jahanam yang dahulu telah diperingatkan kepadamu.

Masuklah ke dalamnya pada hari ini kerana dahulu kamu mengingkarinya.

Pada hari ini Kami tutup mulut mereka, tangan mereka akan berkata kepada Kami dan kaki mereka akan memberi kesaksian terhadap apa yang dahulu mereka kerjakan."

Yasin, 36: 59-65

Ya Allah.. ="(((((((((

I thought I only followed my anger..

It's far far worst..

It was a split moment and yet, it's still a conscious choice

my choice to follow anger

is to follow syaitan.

I thought i'm rid of my Jahiliyyah

Allah knows how long this journey is

i'm still far from it

Still..Alhamdulillah, He knocks some sense back into me

showed me how i could still 'slip' up, so easily

Moral for today:

La Tagdob

don't follow syaitan

It may seem mudane

but Anger never is

They(syaitan) are slick..very very slick..they have their whole lifetime since the creation of Adam to perfect the art of deception

You be careful

with yourself, with the syaitan within

- - -

black pebbles

Bismillah..

Have you known a moment, when you are rendered helpless?

Unable to move, unable to eat, unable to sleep..and it took all the will-powered you've got to not break down, to muffle the hysterical cry threatening to come out of your throat?

It was a sickness.

A sickness beyond what i've ever endured. Cuts more than skin deep. It lasted six days. It was only in this hour, as i tentatively analyze myself,  i realized that i was more or less cured.

somehow, i was forced to see myself..to reflect harshly on what have I done with my life until this point, my daily habits..

I.can't.laugh.

i.can't.joke.about.it

seriously..what if it's my end? What if I die now with what i've done..was still doing?

it was said that sickness is "kifarah dosa" and i was thinking..there's too many sins..and i don't think a week gonna cut it, or my whole lifetime. i was trapped thinking..would He forgive me? Would He even want to meet me? with my deeds..with my sullied heart, would He??

i know at this state..what i feared the most is that..He wouldn't.

i needed to change. And whatever jahiliyyah that still lives inside me,just as this sickness that were eating my flesh and bones..I have to cleanse it. This sickness is for me to learn that sickness can be more than just skin deep!! that worst, when sickness is in this heart. That's the worst! You can heal a flu, a cough, a pain..by whatever medicine, InsyaAllah.. but what of this heart??

I was forced to confront what i AM.

i got what I wished for..that i'd be removed from it..coz' i can't stand it anymore! ;"( can't stand living on a cross-roads when it does not exist for a Mukmin!! for there's only two ways: Islam or jahiliyyah.

what am i?

O Holder of this heart, don't throw back this heart to that forsaken place, make my heart and feet strong in Your path. I was helpless (from a baby/ from sickness) and you made me strong (a grown-up/ to health) and you can make me weak again. My life, my faith in Your hands. I shall not know what deeds i've made, good or bad until I meet You on judgement day. O Most Merciful, please..be kind and help me, help me be the person that has Your redha...