black pebbles

Bismillah..

Have you known a moment, when you are rendered helpless?

Unable to move, unable to eat, unable to sleep..and it took all the will-powered you've got to not break down, to muffle the hysterical cry threatening to come out of your throat?

It was a sickness.

A sickness beyond what i've ever endured. Cuts more than skin deep. It lasted six days. It was only in this hour, as i tentatively analyze myself,  i realized that i was more or less cured.

somehow, i was forced to see myself..to reflect harshly on what have I done with my life until this point, my daily habits..

I.can't.laugh.

i.can't.joke.about.it

seriously..what if it's my end? What if I die now with what i've done..was still doing?

it was said that sickness is "kifarah dosa" and i was thinking..there's too many sins..and i don't think a week gonna cut it, or my whole lifetime. i was trapped thinking..would He forgive me? Would He even want to meet me? with my deeds..with my sullied heart, would He??

i know at this state..what i feared the most is that..He wouldn't.

i needed to change. And whatever jahiliyyah that still lives inside me,just as this sickness that were eating my flesh and bones..I have to cleanse it. This sickness is for me to learn that sickness can be more than just skin deep!! that worst, when sickness is in this heart. That's the worst! You can heal a flu, a cough, a pain..by whatever medicine, InsyaAllah.. but what of this heart??

I was forced to confront what i AM.

i got what I wished for..that i'd be removed from it..coz' i can't stand it anymore! ;"( can't stand living on a cross-roads when it does not exist for a Mukmin!! for there's only two ways: Islam or jahiliyyah.

what am i?

O Holder of this heart, don't throw back this heart to that forsaken place, make my heart and feet strong in Your path. I was helpless (from a baby/ from sickness) and you made me strong (a grown-up/ to health) and you can make me weak again. My life, my faith in Your hands. I shall not know what deeds i've made, good or bad until I meet You on judgement day. O Most Merciful, please..be kind and help me, help me be the person that has Your redha...