Endure

Bismillah...


فَاصْبِرْ كَمَا صَبَرَ اُولُوا الْعَزْمِ مِنَ الرُّسُلِ وَلَا تَسْتَعْجِلْ لَّهُمْ  ؕ  كَاَنَّهُمْ يَوْمَ يَرَوْنَ مَا يُوْعَدُوْنَ ۙ  لَمْ يَلْبَثُوْۤا اِلَّا سَاعَةً مِّنْ نَّهَارٍ   ؕ  بَلٰغٌ    ۚ  فَهَلْ يُهْلَكُ اِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْفٰسِقُوْنَ
(Jika demikian akibat orang-orang kafir yang menentangmu wahai Muhammad) maka bersabarlah engkau sebagaimana sabarnya Rasul-rasul "Ulil-Azmi" (yang mempunyai keazaman dan ketabahan hati) dari kalangan Rasul-rasul (yang terdahulu daripadamu); dan janganlah engkau meminta disegerakan azab untuk mereka (yang menentangmu itu). Sesungguhnya keadaan mereka semasa melihat azab yang dijanjikan kepada mereka, merasai seolah-olah mereka tidak tinggal (di dunia) melainkan sekadar satu saat sahaja dari siang hari. (Penerangan yang demikian) cukuplah menjadi pelajaran (bagi orang-orang yang mahu insaf). Maka (ingatlah) tidak dibinasakan melainkan kaum yang fasik - derhaka.
[QS. Al-Ahqaf: Ayat 35]

Its been 10 days...since Uwais was born, and 4 days since Uncle Lamat passed away.  In my heart of heart, I knew the inevitable...yet, like that painkiller gas I've inhaled...believing I had no choice but to numb myself..from the pain? From remembering? From being Reminded?

I very nearly gave up...in the struggle of giving birth...for the second time... I didn't expect the pain and the exhaustion. I thought I did well...with the hypnobreathing technique...yet minutes goes to hours and my body was racking and splitting. I finally took the gas and at one point, despite the pain...regretted it...maybe it had been better for me to endure it (although I knew by the end of it, I'd probably be too exhausted to give birth just dealing with the very close,very deep pain of contraction), because I almost threw the white flag...willing to call it quit. Cut me up or whatever...just end the pain.

This path...too long...too tired...but when the contraction grew stronger despite the gas...I knew I did bad to wish so (quitting). Because quitting means being stuck in the state of limbo...of a numbing pain...you inhale all the painkiller you want, it'll never solve the underlying truth, the pain, the bearing... No matter what...you have to fight through.

...and the seemingly endless had only been a few minutes of such pain...already am willing to trade anything. In the Hereafter, this might be a glimpse of it. The world who seems like its your everything now is actually a mere second.

Astaghfirullahalazim...am I willing to trade the world's comfort for Allah swt redha of me in this life and the Hereafter? Astaghfirullah...

... and so I prayed. "Do you not like it to be forgiven (by Allah swt)?"
By Allah swt, I knew the hadith is true...how He can wipe out a mother's sin and wipe her eyebrows from worry and uplift her soul by pardoning her....and yet...to attain that level...a mother had to endure..have to make peace herself too. For the things that people had done to irritate, to hurt , to aggravate her..."Do you not like to be forgiven?"

"I forgive you. I forgive all of you. I'd held no ill-will, wish for no revenge. So please...may I be forgiven by Allah swt Himself..."

Tears streaming not because of the physical pain...but for the sins I've committed...in procrastination, in dwelling the munkar, in neglecting the maaruf, the haq...

May I remember this moment. While forgetting is a bliss, a nikmat in itself...when the time comes, if I turn to be a dzalimun...to myself and/or to others...may I remember this moment... and may I remember the world is a mere second.

Face it honorably. Stop with the painkiller...don't cloud your eyes and senses from the truth... 

Endure and fight. 
Endure and fight, Han. 
Endure and fight.

- - -

The Unknown

Bismillah...

Its definitely the hormones

At least its the one thing I manage to convince myself to say

Withdrawn, anxious

Appearance can be deceiving

In control?

How? No matter how many times...I don't see why does that makes it any easier

Truth is.

Am scared.

- - -

To Protect

 Bismillah...

It hurts.
Why stay?

'Because'it hurts, I 'have'to stay.

Grandparents

Bismillah...

I long for the people I never get to meet.

What peculiar dream I had

There was a car workshop with an assembly of toy cars lining up infront

While some mechanics were busy doing their tasks, another couple were entertaining the children

Teaching them how to fix the toy cars themselves

Amongst them was a grandfather

Teaching his grandson

Everyday, this would be his routine

Children would sit out infront, learning new things which the elders would taught with patience

This particular grandfather was particularly loved by them

...one day, he was no more

Old age and his time had come

And her daughter, their mother would wipe off the bench table from sawdust and eraser dust

A single tear started and she just silently clean the place 

Unable to contain her love, her memory of her father, and their grandfather

I woke up bewildered

Was the love of that family that profound that I even dreamt it?

For the first time, I cried missing my own grandparents

Never had a chance to meet them

Or at least one grandmother who was too old to entertain us or we got to know her

I was probably six or seven when she died

What do I learn?

That grandparents are equivalent to presence? wisdom? Unconditional love?

Have I ever felt it, not knowing them all this while?

I do. 

When my parents recall the memory of their father and mother with aching fondness

They are our grandparents

They're old and they simply leave when its time

But someone grieve of their loss

Because they are their own father, own father

...and no matter how old they are

You can't help but miss them, remember them

...and when you do, you revert to this child-form

Eyes wide in bewilderment

Aching for the calussed hand to take your own

Of protection, of guidance, of boundless affection

- - -

 

 

When I was younger

Bismillah..

 The moment you lose yourself

is not seeing yourself in the decisions you make

no matter how good, how right they are

or how bad, how wrong they are

because in the process

you just forget why

why you do it

...and to blame others, the situation, something 'else' other than self

when something goes wrong 

because that's easier

or is it?

Being afraid, being hateful, 

being happy, being joyful

life will play itself on its own

without you grasping everything, trying to script it, control it

the best you can do

is to decide by that force of will

.. and will can be a selfish one or a selfless one

so can you say you wouldn't regret it?

when that will is 'guided'

the comfort, the protection He offered

like water flowing through a deserted land

offers hope in times of despair

in times where the illogical

the cruel times and event

when indecision and hesitation vibrates through being

why their names resound so loud?

guilt? duty? love?

whatever it is...action is wanted

the silence holds no ground

breeds fear and indecision

so be truthful, young one

as long as you know Allah swt asks it of you

He will pour bil hikmah in your words and actions

despite ownself belief ownself has no power, or lack the iman (faith) to carry the words carefully

Guide us, Ya Hadi~

lest we be astray

as You have taught us our words and movements whilst we were young

by the power of Your pen, we entrust our lives

- - -

 

I am what I am...and that's ok

Bismillah...

It got me in the feels...

When put on a spot

 Yet at the right moment

 At the right time

Be honest

Everyone is so human

So imperfect

why are thou beautiful?

Because you have room to grow
A dried root, shoot or leaf

 There's story there

Your awkward self

Your sure self

 Trust is a remarkable thing

 not to confuse effort of being fake

 not to confuse being than expecting

Have faith

 would you like to know that someone has faith in you?

 just trust in Allah swt

And do  your best

 don't you want the present to be meaningful?

 fruitful?

will you dare to believe?

 go ahead

 it's ok

It's ok to be yourself

*smile*

- - -