Paper-Jam

Bismillah..

"T, it's a wonder. Why does that machine is always jammed when you use it?", W laughed.

Shook my head with equal puzzlement. *sigh* Somehow, this repetition is somewhat tiring. It's like...this machine didn't like me....or for some reason, Allah swt is trying to teach something to me and that requires drilling. So, I closed my eyes a bit, swallowing this in, not wanting to say anything and just pray. Tried my best to be kind with it, made a du'a (du'a that you've read before riding any vehicle), say Basmallah and pressed Enter. 
Then, it's kind to me again.

The same things happened before. Car. Studies. Life. I didn't intend for these things to happened. Took precautions to avoid it, yet it came. It always came. To the point when sometimes...I'm broken. Pushed to my edge and takes me way back into self-reflection...there's been phases. When I beat myself up in regret, when there a lot of 'if' cascading...yet, all reduced to these conclusions.

1. Don't blame other people.

2. Don't blame self.

3. Don't blame Allah swt, either.

4. Accept it as it is. That it happened.

5. Try to find the hikmah in it.

6. Try to identify the problem.

7. Do the best. To avoid the same mistake. To reduce the consequence.

8. Find the solution and act upon it.

9. Seek Allah swt help in every steps...and pray that He grants patience.

..and then I move on. Skin thicker, yet so much conscious that Allah swt is near.

Maybe...just maybe...there's still a lot of ego going on inside me. That I have to be reduced to this state to fully understand what tawakal to Him means. What true sacrifice means.

This time, I know why. 
It's been two weeks His reminder came from every directions. 
About work ethic. 
I, unfortunately, still have a bad case of turning things in on time, process and did things rather slowly. Sometimes, I choose some things over the other, when I knew better. I knew better. When I could've done my best, I stopped and drove back.
That's what I reduced myself into.
Someone I became to lose respect in. 
It's...in simple terms, bad, especially if I'm suppose to work as a team.

 At one time, I just cried. On the way home, wondering why I'm even crying to begin with. Its so sad and pitiful. Then...I realized...I cried for myself. For these weaknesses I had. In regard to consequence, I hurt myself more for not trying, for turning into a coward as I grow older, as I fear people's good opinion over what needs to be done for Allah's sake. I've became selfish, or rather... a coward.

No.

I refuse.

"Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?"
"Apakah manusia mengira bahawa mereka akan dibiarkan mengatakan: Kami telah beriman, sedang mereka belum diuji?" 
Surah Al-Ankabut : 2

"Every soul will taste death. And We test you with evil and with good as trial; and to Us you will be returned."
"Tiap-tiap yang berjiwa akan merasakan mati. Dan kami akan uji kalian dengan keburukan dan kebaikan sebagai cubaan dan kepada Kamilah kamu akan kembali." 
Surah Al-Anbiya : 35

I have to stand on my ground. Call me stubborn or whatever you will. I call it defending my syahadah and hoping that kalimah thoyyibah would sprout from this self.

Taking care of oneself is one thing.
Taking care of another is another.

That's when I realize that..
"To be human...is to have many faults."
Yet Allah swt loves those who had a hard time, bearing with patience among people of different personalities, attitudes, compare to those who lived in serenity in solitude.

"To be human...is to have many faults."

Yet, despite so many shortcomings, great things also come forth from so very few of them. 

Those who give their life to Allah.

Their family.

Their community.

To spread rahmat all over the world.

O Allah swt, teach me, teach my family, teach the people who to live rightfully in Your eyes~

Sometimes...that stubborness lay on the quiet patience. Bad things happen, but yeah, treat 'em like a paper-jam. 
Persevere.


Rasulullah SAW pernah bersabda: "Ujian yang tiada henti-hentinya menimpa kaum mukmin baik lelaki atau wanita yang mengenai diri, harta dan anak-anaknya, tetapi dia bersabar, dia akan menemui Allah dalam keadaan tidak berdosa." 
HR At-Tirmidzi

"You can't choose what happens to you.

But you 'can' choose to be happy or miserable."

- - -