black pebbles

Bismillah..

Have you known a moment, when you are rendered helpless?

Unable to move, unable to eat, unable to sleep..and it took all the will-powered you've got to not break down, to muffle the hysterical cry threatening to come out of your throat?

It was a sickness.

A sickness beyond what i've ever endured. Cuts more than skin deep. It lasted six days. It was only in this hour, as i tentatively analyze myself,  i realized that i was more or less cured.

somehow, i was forced to see myself..to reflect harshly on what have I done with my life until this point, my daily habits..

I.can't.laugh.

i.can't.joke.about.it

seriously..what if it's my end? What if I die now with what i've done..was still doing?

it was said that sickness is "kifarah dosa" and i was thinking..there's too many sins..and i don't think a week gonna cut it, or my whole lifetime. i was trapped thinking..would He forgive me? Would He even want to meet me? with my deeds..with my sullied heart, would He??

i know at this state..what i feared the most is that..He wouldn't.

i needed to change. And whatever jahiliyyah that still lives inside me,just as this sickness that were eating my flesh and bones..I have to cleanse it. This sickness is for me to learn that sickness can be more than just skin deep!! that worst, when sickness is in this heart. That's the worst! You can heal a flu, a cough, a pain..by whatever medicine, InsyaAllah.. but what of this heart??

I was forced to confront what i AM.

i got what I wished for..that i'd be removed from it..coz' i can't stand it anymore! ;"( can't stand living on a cross-roads when it does not exist for a Mukmin!! for there's only two ways: Islam or jahiliyyah.

what am i?

O Holder of this heart, don't throw back this heart to that forsaken place, make my heart and feet strong in Your path. I was helpless (from a baby/ from sickness) and you made me strong (a grown-up/ to health) and you can make me weak again. My life, my faith in Your hands. I shall not know what deeds i've made, good or bad until I meet You on judgement day. O Most Merciful, please..be kind and help me, help me be the person that has Your redha...

Robin

Sometimes..I wonder

am i deluding myself?

if I set off into the world not quiet my own

more than part of growing up

it's a part of me, lives and breathe with me

To what extent do I let it

or lest shattering the illusion is the next best thing?

if i didn't have my experiences..would I learn, otherwise?

The falls, the young naive humiliation, the tears

heart-wrenching to see what's reflected in the mirror is not what you expect it to be

and learning to 'not' rely on mirrors, unless it has something important to impart

Thank goodness they (memories) went like a fog

the clarity would've baffled me

or rather, they cease to matter...now

 i fell in love with a child

if i have a daughter, i would probably name her Wana

she's.. a sweet little creature

big round eyes

an almost toothless smile

and it's hard to describe her as a child

wise eyes she has, full of compassion and empathy

often i forget she's only four years old

and yet she is that

she'd hold a crying girl's hand

she'd wait for a friendless friend

more than sweet words of assurances..she's stand by her friends

defend the helpless

shown immeasurable kindness

she has an amazing benevolent heart 

she is the image of what goodness can be

without the false image of child- bratty, tantrum-throwing, self-centered

she is her own little person

i love her to pieces

love her because of Allah